.: frustrations galore :.

I hate technology! For the past month, I haven't been able to post to my blog. Hope I didn't lose your attention. But by the grace of God... and the work of Jason... I am back!

(Meaningful articles to follow...)

.: glorified wounds :.

"I got a hole in me now... yeah, I got a scar I can talk about." - Matchbox 20, "Bright Lights"

Is there something wrong with being healthy? Is there anything wrong with finally being whole? Then why is it that I can sense a natural bent towards accentuating my weaknesses? I even find myself mentally working out ways that I can capitalize off of the places in my life that I fall short. Why are some of us so quick to grab onto any sort of deep wound? Is it the fact that it gives me something to offer in conversation? Maybe. Maybe it is the fact that I feel most human when I feel the weakest. And why is it important that I feel human, especially around others? Because I want to feel normal. I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. And often times, people who have easy lives with little to no problems or wounds, they are the very ones that we distance ourselves from. We don't like to be surrounded by people who aren't hurting like us. It almost makes us feel like the wounds are our fault. I want to be a whole person, no longer divided in terms of my desires and longings. I want to be cured of all fears and temptations. I want those things with some of the deepest places of my heart. Yet I still hold onto certain damaged parts of my life. And in part, it is because I want life to be exciting. The question haunts me: will life with God, life in the Kingdom of God, be that exciting? Will it capture my interests, apart from all the ways that I or others may subtly dress it up? Does Jesus have what it takes to not only draw me in, but keep me within fellowship simply on the basis of His goodness and grace? Were I in Peter's shoes, I would have replied to Jesus that morning on the shore, "You don't understand, Jesus. I betrayed You. I said I wasn't going to... but I did! You don't get it! I am not a good person. I am not even remotely a faithful person. And I will almost surely do it again, if I am ever given the chance to down the road." What is that about? Why do I so often resist the healing hand of God in my life? Am I keeping them around so as to parade them as souvenirs of my struggles and woundedness in life? The reality is that they so often come through for us as badges of honor... or even licenses for further faithlessness. I don't have to strive towards godliness if I can simply get everyone around me to agree that I am anything but. But I don't need them. They are only getting in the way, calling me away from remaining in Him. And what is more, they are keeping me from allowing Christ's love to remain in me, in so far as I cling to that blessed reality. I can have it either way; either make the most of my fallen nature and the places where I am cheated, hurt, or betrayed... or renounce any fleshly advantage that I could find through them and remain focused on who I am now becoming as a follower of Christ. But I cannot have it both ways. I cannot hold onto how my rights have been violated, or even the ways that I violate others, and still renounce everything but what Christ offers me in faith, life, and love.

.: for good or for gain :.

Power means different things to different people. For some, it leads them to enter into a role of participating with the Father in setting the captives free. For others, it is the cause for tremendous abuse, the means by which they build their own kingdom. For some, it gives them the freedom to boldly proclaim the Truth. For others, the Truth as they have refashioned it. We are surrounded by those sent to revive us, as well as those who have even greater weights to place upon us. Power gives some us the authority required to fill the space of Creation that we have been called into. But at points throughout history, even now in the days in which we live, power has led to devastation and abuse. Those of us who have been instilled with the ability to influence others must be so watchful of how we carry such a blessing, suspicious of even the slightest evidence of misuse among our equals. Those called to rule must do so with a spirit of liberating grace towards others. Our command must not be that of a tyrant, lest we become the very ones from whom people must be rescued. The gift of power is the calling to release all in need of such. Our strength must be used to protect the weak, to encourage potential, and to care for those who have been cast off. Good must surpass the intensity of evil in the world today. How can we who have the capacity to make change happen stand by and condemn our environment? The privilege of making right that which is wrong is one that we cannot afford to squander. The call goes out to position ourselves between the offenders and the offended, those who create and those who destroy. To remain quiet is to grant approval. Those with the power to perform, we need you to take your much needed place and live out your calling. We need your power, for you to act on our behalf!

.: so near to suffering :.

There is a woman weeping next to me. I sure wish I knew what she was crying about. It looks like she is pouring her thoughts, maybe even her prayers, into that little journal. Her grief seems deep, though she seems to be doing quite well at holding back the full weight of her emotions. I wish I could help her. I wish that I could step into her situation and bring her some help. Maybe she needs peace right now over a situation that seems beyond her control. She keeps wiping away her tears. I wonder what is provoking them to pour out, right here, right now. As conversations continue all around her, she must be feeling so tremendously lonely. What would it take for me to speak a word of peace or blessing to her? Would she even accept it, or would it only deepen the pain or loneliness? She has now picked up a book, probably hoping to forget what has maybe only now caught up to her. I doubt it will help much. Who is in this room that could put their arm around her? Maybe a friend who knows her name and could speak to some of her pain, her fears or intense feelings? She is much older than me. Would she even care to hear what anyone might say? I know that in my own life, I would far rather hold onto my isolation than have it shattered by the misspoken words of a well-intentioned individual. Is it worth the risk to try and offer some consolation, knowing that I may only succeed in making her feel more awkward. Her heart seems to have silenced now. She remains pretty calm, considering her posture and muffled sounds only minutes ago. How could I even begin to assume that I know what she is going through right now? I hate when people say such words. It only weighs me down with more grief, bothered by the reality that I don't always see God's hand in all of these things. Such pride would only tear at the sutures that are beginning to be internally woven. But are we really left to ourselves in this world, apart from the divine comfort we often sense from above? Maybe that is why it is so important to be fostering deep relationships, so that I might be ministered to at every point in my day. Then again, what is the fellowship of the Body good for if not to speak a fresh word from God into the heart and life of another sister or brother in the faith? But that would require the sort of confidence that would undo the cultural norms that I have embraced in this society. Speak only when spoken to - not without invitation! How sad it is that we cannot extend grace to another lest we offend them or make their burden more severe. Father, give her the grace that she needs to be where she is this very moment! Alas, the word of grace, as silent as it just happened.

.: burden as life :.

Why we didn't catch it any sooner than this is beyond me. All I know now is that this is not healthy for us to be living like this. In fact, this isn't even living. It is more like survival, just barely keeping our lips above the waves of tasks to be done that crash over us. Something in my soul has never allowed me to settle down and bear under this weight. Rather, it has been crying out for release, for more help and a deeper sense of our future. Everything can be accomplished if we will continue to focus on His strength and ability to bring us through this. And I am more sure than many others that this will serve to make us into what He desires us to become. But this gradual disintegration of grace and peace in our lives is setting off all kinds of alarms, and only now do I have the ears to hear them. I think God may finally be offering insight into entering that new context of understanding the climate of these events. We assume the kind of busyness that this world exalts, but it is costing us both intimacy and rest. Tiredness seems to be the closest thing to our hearts, but they cannot thrive and grow if we allow them to remain there, in such an absense of faith and hope.

Why have we been allowing ourselves to stay planted in this spirit of restlessness? If we keep up our obedience to such demands, we will miss out on the joy of seeing Him work beyond ourselves. Where is our faith in times such as these? Is there anything more typical of our everyday lives? Yet we are more prepared to excuse it as temporary and part of our current path. Would we really confess that He was not prepared for what laid around the bend? He can give us that rest if we would only hold out for such, and refuse to be satisfied with our enslavement to such elements. This is a natural part of our createdness. We are defined as those who have been made for that kind of space in our lives, a space that the world only seeks to despise and remove. Does our fullness really lie in the accomplishment of everything that we have exalted to such a high place in our lives? Needless to say, that is a scary place to continue within. We feel burdened because we are burdened. And we do ourselves a tremendous disservice when we create excuses for living like this.

This Father we know is one who longs to have us daily experience His presence as the Prince of Peace. Our worthiness does not lie in staying busy, becoming more efficient, or remaining engaged in elements that demand more of us than is appropriate. We must see how we are collapsing under this burden of busyness, this weight of "getting it all done". Life does lie beyond our success or failure. And maybe we would be better off to watch it crush us so that He might restore us to where we once were. Being still and acknowledging His divinity means that we intentionally find calmness in our days. Maybe we are just allowing ourselves to be caught up in the in-between, amidst our journey from here to there. We will reach where we headed out for, no question about that. And maybe it won't be everything we were hoping for, though I imagine the beauty will come through in the incidentals of it's unfolding. But we simply cannot allow it to rob from us the pleasure of our fellowship and love.

We will repeat back to one another that it will all get done. We will see time and again that we will make it through - not just survive, but find deeper roots on the other side. And this too will bear the fingerprints of His leading and fashioning within us the image of His Son. But to do that, we must lay down the burdens we have embraced at the times that call to us, and enter into the places in which we find His glorious restoration. This is, after all, the last place that we would want to lose sight of His control over Creation!

.: the way it should have gone :.

Time is rarely ever on our side. We claim that we would do so much more if only we had the daylight and initiative to pull it off. Some of our best intentions get traded away for lesser opportunities, and we come to the end of the day feeling like it was squandered. How can we hope for so much, yet so often give ourselves over to some of the most classic distractions of life? We leap out of bed on the waves of doing something grand, only to watch it be diminished to crossing off some of the lines on our "to do" list. Oh, to be great! But doesn't greatness have something to do with the use of the hours and days that are given to us? Our lives certainly will not make the front page on a daily basis. But is it too much to hope for a sense of deep satisfaction as we place our heads on the pillow each evening? I would hope that I could regularly find the peace that comes with completion. Rather, I keep coming away with the feeling that I have so much left in me as the sun fades behind the hills by my home. That fullness that lies within me feels as if it has barely been drawn from. Where might I find the proof that I am making the best out of what I have been given? My heart longs to be invested in a work that will stretch beyond the years of my own presence on earth. The prayers of each day pour from my anticipation that this day will be something unique, in which I will discover something profound, or be used to lead someone else to such. But the days that play themselves out feel like they would have me to be a side character to a far bigger drama than my own life, living, and end. Maybe that sense of fulfillment would be better found by the confirmation in my own soul that I remained faithful for one more period of time. Maybe I can find far more stillness in my soul in the realization that instead of my being able to pull off something grand, something grand is happening all around me... and I have the unfathomable privilege of taking part in it in so much as I desire. And maybe this calls for drawing upon those far deeper, more divine desires that cry within my heart to be satisfied. All I know is this: the day that presents itself before me at dawn is an invitation to live more fully in the reality of God's Kingdom entering into our world and fashioning it into what it once was. I am called into living within that space, as are you!

.: questions of completeness :.

I often find myself questioning my own completeness as an individual. What more would it take to be a "better me"? What exactly is that image impressed upon my soul? And even more, what (or who) is informing that ideal of who it is that I aim to be? What does the accomplishment of perfection even feel like? I doubt I could ever find someone to speak to such a completed event in his or her own life. I just know that deep within my heart, something keeps itself busy with the task of always informing me of how I continually come up short. The reality is that I am surrounded with men and women in the same predicament, though every one of us has silently committed at some level to never letting anyone catch on to that truth at work in their own souls. Everyone keeps coming up short, in so far as we compare ourselves to the latest and greatest. Faults, failures, fears, and frustrations. They all bear themselves as markers of our movement towards what we might hope to be. Or are they witnesses to our being made in the image of the Son? I long to find the rest that comes with knowing that I am fully who He intended me to be. That perfecting work bears a weight upon me that I could not survive on my own. I long to be complete, and live a life that yearns for wholeness. We all can sense that ache within our hearts even now. The only thing that separates you from me is what we have chosen to do with that throbbing pain. Compensation is the easy way out, the way that will silence the feelings that woo us away from obedience. Unfortunately, we have succeeded in disconnecting holiness from happiness, preaching that we can either choose one or the other. When did we first fail to see that to place our hope fully in the Father, and to live as residents of His eternal Kingdom, was the place of what stands as our greatest source of enduring joy? The truth remains that only He can satisfy us fully. Those ever-deepening gaps, those missing pieces, those places that I work so hard to make up for - those are the very spaces that the Son of God longs to fulfill and bring meaning to. He truly is more than enough for me. And when I choose to remain in Him, resting in His work and in His presence, I am complete. I am full. I am whole. What was once shattered has been restored. The story of my tarnished glory concludes in divine completion, something that I could never undo. It is not a girl. It is not a job. It is not achievement. It is not resourcefulness. It is not human strength or a title by which to exalt myself. It is the person of Jesus Christ. He and He alone restores us to what we were intended to be at the dawn of Creation. Thank God, it isn't left up to me. I seem to only succeed at making a larger mess!

.: the price of wholeness :.

Forgiven. Cleansed by His blood for the pardon of our sins. What does that mean? That means that Death no longer has its hold over me. I have been forgiven. Released from the debt of my selfish living. He has done away with the record of my wrongs. Before Him, I am clean. Forgiven. No longer am I a condemned man before a Holy God. He has set me free and continually calls me into that freedom. The Cross has shattered the Old Law. Having never possessed what it would require to keep that Law, He has fulfilled it on my behalf and I am seen as pure. What does that mean? That means that Satan can no longer control me. I am no longer his rightful possession. He no longer holds any claim over my life. Forgiven. Forgiven and invited to come share in fellowship with the Triune God. And the shame that keeps me from entering into that, that also has been dealt with by Christ. Any sense of feeling it linger in my heart is either by my own volition, or comes from the Enemy of my soul. The life I live was once one that was held in dark bondage. But Christ has undone the chains that held me there. I am forgiven, once and for all. Past, present, and future. The things that I openly acknowledge, as well as the things that would cost me dearly should they ever be exposed. But even in that instance, the cost is a temporary one of losing face and tarnishing my reputation. In terms of eternity, I am one who has been prepared to receive what only the Son could provide. In the eyes of my Father, I bear a righteousness that is like unto that of Christ. I am soon to be a recipient and resident of the Kingdom of God. My life is no longer my own - the one in which I did what I wanted, and proceeded to entrench myself in sinful habits. But not only have my external words and actions been forgiven, but I no longer bear the heart I once had. I am a new creature, vindicated by my Loving Creator. Having once been damned, my whole being has been restored. His Spirit is bringing me more fully each day into the reality of what was accomplished on my behalf at Calvary. Hallelujah!

.: heart offerings :.

Though I have been feeling overwhelmed in a way that I haven't for some time, I am trying to remain faithful to certain commitments that I have made, one of them being this blog. My head right now is crying out to get busy and stay on task and accomplish what remains on my mental list of things to do. But my heart is drawn to this place, to offer what is here and now alive within me. I cannot help but be encouraged as I consider the many things in my life that I ought to be thankful for. A life that is constantly viewed through a darkly negative lens soon runs dry. And lest I feel the waters of my soul dwindle down to a trickle, I want to confess the blessings that surround me.

A family that loves me, and though sometimes failing, still remains committed to the foundation of love and continual returns to the extension of grace. Friends that come in and out of my life at what is so often the perfect time for such. A foundation provided from a school that I so often feel deeply critical of. A church that is often the target of cynicism come quickly, that extends a deep fellowship with those who share common paths with me, and I with them. A heart that loves deeply, and though easily wounded, is learning how to hope for the reality of things to come - things that even now are manifesting themselves. Someone who loves me in a way I had never anticipated, accompanied with grace in the spaces of my life where I come up short and incomplete. Someone that I am continually set free time and again to love in my own volition, seeing her through His eyes. A life of deep meaning. A being of divine creation, with richly engrained longings. Health that I take for granted. Wisdom beyond what I naturally acknowledge. A sustained spirit of laughter and joy. Places that bear my shape and impact, with those who are encouraged when I am most myself (and then some).

The list continues! Warmth, shelter, protection, and provision. Peace at a level that temporary circumstances cannot touch or control. And salvation, apart from which I would dwell in isolation, panic, insecurity, and desperation. These are the very things that can only wash over me as I so choose to ruminate upon them. A critical and embittered attitude continually stands ready to grant me words that mark my path with frustration. But to reach in, through, and beyond them is to find life and praise and endurance for the miles ahead of me. The journey contains meaning, even when I refuse to hold out for proof of such.

.: a silent permission :.

How could one human soul ever even begin to think that it could truly know another? We assume so much so often, and pay the price of fellowship when we are poorly mistaken. Maybe that other person doesn't want to be discovered. Then why do we obligate them to enter into our way of coping? Maybe they would choose to just keep falling. Maybe they want to embrace the full weight of every decision that they have ever made up until that moment. Maybe they want to be allowed to have everything that they feel will grant them satisfaction, no matter how temporary we may know it really is. We need to stop keeping people from making the mistakes that they are dying to make. Sometimes, we need to let them feel the warmth on their faces from the bridges that they are burning. And we certainly need to stop assuming that we know what leg of the journey they are at in their lives.

Could we dare to hold our tongues, and could we possibly choose to offer silence as opposed to our home-cooked remedies? Would that be as tragic as we have so quickly assumed? People need to sometimes be given the sort of patience that gives them over to their preferred modes of functioning. And instead of only adding to the pressure that leaves them feeling like they are dying on the inside, could we choose to honor them by not offering them the maps that we have fashioned for our own paths? What is it that makes us so quick to think that people want to be saved?

I guess that I am just growing tired of those who drain others through their particular style of showing care and concern. Some of us have way too much of ourselves invested in our role of helping those all around us. Is there any space even left for us to fulfill our callings and still never receive any praise? This fixation upon success has subtly attached itself onto our sense of simply obeying the Lord's aim for our lives. None of us wants to just fill a role. None of us wants to just be there. Yet that is sometimes the very thing that our friends or family need. I realize that very thought only leaves us with feelings of discouragement and disappointment, causing us to maybe assume the worst. But is there something to be gained by not presuming that we know why something might be happening to someone else? Perhaps we could even grow by first deciding to no longer think that it somehow centers on ourselves, or that we are the key to another person's future or freedom.

I long for the Body of Christ to be a gathering of people who see themselves in the business of setting others free. Unfortunately (for all who stand guilty), that begins by doing it in a way that they do not even notice it. And though some of us see ourselves in the role of naming reality for others, we need to not require that they take our words as the Gospel truth. I will be the first to admit it - I don't want to be average! I want to have an impact and make a difference upon the world all around me (though in truth, I would be fortunate to have even a slight impact upon even one of the communities in which I live). But we need to be allowing others to fail, especially when that definition has been self-fashioned. What will it take for us to set others free from any and all expectations?

As followers of Christ, we don't get to be their savior and healer. At best, we can only help in the process. But there is much to be gained in seeking the Spirit's leading in His work, rather than placing the foundation for our own upon their hearts and minds. Since we all see so dimly, we would be safe to assume that we are never able to see the full picture. Our visions are bound to be blurry. So let us commit to moving forward under that conviction. And though it is terrifying at such a deep level to have our meter of success intrinsically tied to something that we cannot control, we need to move away from saying something, even if it is lying on our tongues. The boldness to speak is not the same as the permission to speak. I promise you here and now - your life is sure to be filled with a long list of people who have failed to come through for you time and again. Truth be told, there isn't even anything to be gained in comparing such lists. But maybe we could enter into other people's world only so far as they open the doors... and no further.

The Spirit stands ready to act and move once we choose to hold off on our own attempts to do so. We are called to love one another. That begins by seeing that it is His work to make them holy. Sometimes, all we get to do is watch and pray.

.: full life :.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my heart. Waiting for something to come together, that I can offer to you. Plenty of passion, yet there are so many different avenues that I struggle with running down. I doubt I could travel down any one of them for much longer than a sprint. People from the past are making their way back into my story. Wishing I had held then that which is finally in my grasp. Never have I felt so misunderstood, but I guess that is the price of growing older and more set in my beliefs and behaviors. I feel saturated in feelings of both deep love and intense confusion. Where are the people who won't try and force their way of life upon me? I need to rethink and relearn how to breathe all over again. My soul is ready to find a quiet place and be restored. Is what I have right before me made up of the things that I have been longing for? Why do the pages of this next chapter that is being written in my life waver so frequently between seeming so real, yet so strange and foreign only moments later? To be touched is to feel my burden lifted, just when I was needing it most. Set me apart. Set me aside. Set me beyond all that weighs me down. For those who mean to help are only setting me in my new ways of life. You cannot form the paths of those you know for your own peace of mind. They must be allowed to walk where life has led them thus far. The struggle to remain in control will only expose you far more greater than what you anticipated. Learning to leave them (and us) alone is a skill mastered by few. You don't get to control us any more. Loosen your grip and set us free. I for one could use that sort of freedom right now.

.: seven days :.

A week after taking one of the biggest steps of our lives, Kelly and I are still receiving such encouragement and support from all our friends and family. We both feel so loved by everyone who has taken the time to stop us and share how excited they are for us and our future together. God is at work in both of our lives, and we are reminded of it everytime someone new says something to us about getting engaged. There is nothing greater than sharing good friendships with those all around us, but to have them make the extra effort to make us feel extra special... well, we definately know now that we are in the midst of something so tremendously beautiful and rich! Thanks for all of you who have come around us and shown us such deep love. We are excited for what lies ahead of us. Please keep us in your prayers as you remember us from time to time. We desire for this time until the wedding to be a period in which we are brought together even closer, rather than tossed from one frustration to another. That will require plenty of grace, patience, and enduring love to see it become a reality. May God lead us into even deeper intimacy with both Him and each other as we continue down this road together!

.: a beautiful day :.

This 2006 Labor Day, with perfect sunny weather and the help of two good friends, I took Kelly to Fairhaven Park (Bellingham, WA) under the premise of Geocaching. When we came to our final "cache" of the day (around 1:30PM), the GPS led the two of us to one of our favorite spots - a bench that overlooks the park - and I asked her to marry me. As you might have guessed, she said "yes"! We walked down to another favorite spot close to the park, prayed together, and returned to a wonderful spread of food, drinks, and gifts. We both have been looking forward to one day getting engaged, though we both still found it so surreal at moments. God continues to catch us off guard, and draw us closer to Himself as we desire more and more to honor and love each other in better and deeper ways. He truly is the good and loving gift-giver!

.: the swing of identity :.

Some of us live in the continually swinging pendulum between incredible pride and deeply rooted shame. We take stock of our existence and come off on one of these two sides. We are either driven to boast of abilities that have supposedly come by our own strength, or we are compelled to hide ourselves from society and sink the enemy's accusations even further. Whichever end we find ourselves in for the moment, both of them are far from the blessed reality of grace. What we have in and of ourselves is a gift. Each of us has been blessed with various capacities, certain forms of deeper knowledge, or even superior talents that deem such when we compare ourselves to the right types of people. Rather than simply being ourselves, we carry on in our self-promotion, only to bury our heads in the sand when we are in any way exposed. We do everything within our power to keep everyone around us so little, only to later subject ourselves to the same intense disgrace that we rule others by (often for reasons that lie beyond the surface of our hearts).

What's more, little do we recognize how incapable of true love we are when we require such equality from those who are supposedly inferior to us. Who made us the judge of our family and friends? Is there anything within our nature, personality, or character that was not placed there by our Creator? We are caught up in the habit of comparison, and by its telltale signs in any given interaction, we either present ourselves as greater or lesser than our neighbor. The status and reputation that we have made for ourselves have nothing to do with our identity in Christ. What would it take to keep us from ever so subtly sizing others up in our own minds? Who am I to say that someone is more or less worthy than another of something or someone? How mistaken we are when we compel others to come up to our own contrived standard. How much more mistaken we are when we camouflage its evil intent in religious jargon and images! Many of us are caught up in the exercise of obligating every listener to live life as we see it defined. They are forced to conform to that which we are best familiar with. Our limited perspective becomes the litmus test for their supposedly inherent value, and we pride ourselves by giving it as quickly as we take it away.

Every person is only aware of the tale of his or her own life. None of us is capable of accurately comparing our own story to another. We are right where we need to be, in that we have arrived to this point by choosing and moving as we have best been persuaded to do so. Freedom comes when we determine to enter into what we are been called into, the life that lies right both before us, as well as within us. And should we have the opportunity to liberate a fellow member of creation, that role itself was a divine gift - not something by which we can promote and exalt our personal existence. Worthiness is inherent in our design. Beauty comes by the hands of our Creator, granted at the time of our very birth. Anything we become further on down the road does not bear with it the right to obligate others to follow in the same vain. Thank the Father; we have not received what we truly deserve as previous participants in the rebellion! We are now free to come away from living between the two extremes of judging and being judged. And though we may be subjected to it ourselves, no accusation truly remains upon us. The call remains to live in light of the grace that we have received, that which debilitates any pride that may well up within us.

.: what can now become :.

I want it all to change. I don't want to return to what I once was. Time had bred familiarity, and that familiarity had caused me to assume that what I have been is what I will always be. But distance has pulled back the covers, and I am finding myself aware of places in my life that I have given up control. Sure, what has gone on has been the pieces of some of my greatest days. But the shame that now tries to seep into the memories of such leave me feeling confused as to why I ever allowed for such indiscretions. I want to be free. I want to be at ease when I consider all that has taken place. I want to be filled with the kind of joy that comes from living in the light. In the places that I have thrown off all caution, I want to regain these footholds and keep moving even further. She deserves far better than this. I have given her the offer of a half-self, and have acted upon curiosities mixed with assumptions. We cannot undo the story thus far, but her return can make for far better days. There would be nothing greater than to trade all moments of anxiety for the knowledge that we are where we need to be. This certainly calls for a large portion of wisdom, but we have not because we have failed to ask and wait. There is further to go in my own story. I know that each day will present me with the spaces in which I can make that decision over and over again. Consistency has not always been my stronger suit, but by holding onto these lines in the sand within my heart, I can see progress rather than regress. This life that has been shared with mine fills me with the sensation that it calls for all that I am. I have slipped into the belief that my patterns are truest reality. But I am seeing things now in a way that I haven't in years. With the assurance that this is only the start of something far more beautiful, I want to turn my face towards the sky and run with the kind of passion that I knows lies within me. Unfortunately, I have allowed it to come out in misguided directions. Those temporary desires had felt deeper than that at the time, though none of us escape those kinds of motives that disguise themselves. Everything has surely not been a waste. But the chance to turn a corner and enter into something grander and deeper, something more centered on an eternal kingdom, cannot be silenced with any sort of commitment to indifference. We make these choices so that we might grow and learn and find intimacy beyond physical proximity. We see the best self that lies within that other. If we move towards drawing that out, we can become what we have been dreaming of for some time.

.: washed away :.

Trust is something you build through single steps over time. Yet once you betray it, the waters of the offense wash out those fortified sand walls and you must try again. There is no way around it. You must push through the guilt and shame, and face the reality of the offense at hand. With every fiber of our being, we refuse to be treated like children, though we have acted in childish ways. And their reaction will be to play the role of the betrayed person, though their hurt is genuine and deeply felt. All we can do is throw ourselves at their mercy and hope for quick healing. But though we would give anything to cover over the offense, there must be confession and reconciliation before there can be healing and joy. Though we wish they will instantly release the offense, that in itself would not be genuine forgiveness. They deserve to be hurt. They have been wounded and are in fact bleeding from the offense. But by the Father's grace, they can move with us through this. It is when they hold us at arm's length that we tend to seethe. We all want quick forgiveness, yet when the offense is against us, we nurse our wounds and hold it over the offender. There is a right to be angry, and a time to release that anger and disappointment. We desire with all of our hearts to rewrite our history, yet we are only given the blank page of each day to compose what our future history will consist of. We long to be trusted, but we must act trustworthy. None of us gets to escape the results of even our poorest choices, for each event will come to the surface somewhere down the road. Coming clean is not an option. The best we can do is damage control, determining the depth of the impact we have upon it all. Relationships are given to receiving such bumps and bruises, though we ache when they actually occur. But there is a strength that allows us to persist through the pain and confusion. One day, we will be back to where we were. But the process is one that requires we honor it, not rushing through with quick fixes and swift responses. Having chosen to satisfy our curiosity, we cannot escape the fallout that is yet to come. All we can do is delay it and hope that it falls upon one of our better days. We hope for grace. We will be blessed if they stick by us. And we mark our souls so as to never return to such senseless behavior. Feelings of disappointment, shame, and disgrace are sure to do it for you. But we must push through the cover-ups and half-truths, and reclaim the beauty that once was - that still remains beneath and behind it all. We cannot survive alone. The call goes out to hold onto love and receive forgiveness as it is extended. But this is not the end for us. We will keep moving along, though we hope we are much wiser for all of this. Otherwise our confession will have been in vain.

But I truly am sorry...

.: making sense of the makeshift :.

I have been living someone else's life for some time now. These aren't my feelings... at least they aren't the ones that I have been growing used to. This home I find myself in has new walls, with pictures and colors that feel like they may belong to me one day... but just not right now. Truth be told, I had been in the midst of being graced with such company. But these days, I am once again walking alone. Each hour seems to carry me along with the least amount of passion that one could bear to survive on. The world burns all around me as I bear with days that are stretching me to my limits. Were You expecting to do this to me all along? And where is Your Spirit in all of this? This expected variation leaves me grieving in profound, yet debilitating, ways. My soul feels speechless, wondering if anyone truly has been down this road too. Yes, you are all right! I too will get through this. But such lines of reasoning cannot seem to pass through to the very core of me. And beyond what eyes can perceive, there is an ache that lies past the story presented. We are called to bear our own loads - this one will surely not crush me! But the sting comes in the space left vacant for weeks to come. It all presents me with the reality that this one human space mimics the space divine. There is no life here without what it requires. And in the absence comes the sense wash over me that solutions to medicate and insulate abound all around me. But I doubt I really have the strength to take any one of them that serious. Nothing remains here that will allow me to coast on daily emotions, outside of the memories already set in stone. But to enter into the presence of where so many of them remain requires that I be present to both joy and grief. Claims towards the future keep popping up, with the hope that the themes of so many of those days fall by the wayside. I continue to cry petitions to the Father, asking that He guide us more fully than what we have already allowed Him to. Success is found in remaining focused, both today and in the days to follow. But great reasons lie before me to both concentrate, as well as to absorb myself with the busyness of this makeshift life.

.: discipleship of life :.

In anticipation of sharing my story with a Sunday School class this morning, I had one of the greatest feelings in the world. Being the typical worrier that I am prone to be, I glanced up to see a good friend of mine walk into the room. Just seeing him made me take a deep breath, drawing in the sense that things were gonna be okay - that I wasn't alone. How many times have we each had that sense, in reaction to seeing someone enter into a space that had left us feeling pretty isolated and distant only moments prior to their entry? I guess that I didn't realize just how much I needed that, to feel like the impending encounter necessitated the presence of someone who knew my heart.

In fact, he hasn't even been someone who has been a disciple of intellect as much as a disciple of life, as I saw it for the first time this morning. We have seen all of our variety of expressions and reactions. He knows me for a large part of who I am, though I am freshly experiencing once again the reality that we only fully know our own "stories". We have been in the process of teaching each other what it means to really live in ways far too subtle to distinguish - partly in sharing in forms of how not to, as well as offering ongoing invitations to move deeper. I have shared a number of relationships with people who have blessed me with how to think... but the discipleship of life has been shared with far fewer individuals.

It is not even really the kinds of encounters that one prepares for, though many sense that yearning once they develop eyes to see such a desire. I want to know how to think... but in all honesty, I long to know how to live. No one possesses the corner of that act, but in relationships with a select few, we are seeing it fashioned in us in spaces that we could not create in isolation. It's in the moments of inspired randomness that we take the sort of leap that promises to pay off in deeply personal ways. Our eyes are opened more fully and our breath is taken away by a silent sense of satisfaction. And the ones we think to be such are rarely ever truly those mentors and guides. We are led into it at times when we least expect it. Only when they come back into our lives do we vividly perceive them as such.

They are the ones who have taught us how to live. Their movements have mimicked our own, and that harmony confirms the divine answers we have been waiting on. Every exchange that composes your history together whispers those three words that cause life to burst within us. We share in the chase. We remind each other of our need for grace. We weep together for the dead ends that we come across, and carry each other through the confusion that tints any given day of existence. But that knowledge only exposes itself in glimpses and suggestions. Draw it in as deeply as you can, and then it begins to move on.

.: awaited :.

Today is the final session of classes for the week. A week that has paused over and over again, so as to give the sense that it won't let me through this one too quickly. Five days down and three weeks to go. Fully aware of what I once had, what lies ahead of me, what it will take to finish what was set in motion. Some of the best laid plans matched with the greatest of intentions to see them all come about. Content to be here with a heart that eagerly awaits her return. Not wanting to be a hinderance or distraction. Distracted myself in ways I cannot do anything other than simply push through. Hoping that I don't dismiss these days of summer. Knowing that the day will arrive soon enough. Looking for fellowship, for release, and for a return to home. Frustrated that I cannot ever just remain in the moment, seeking out what my heart can latch onto, though only for minutes at a time. Is anyone listening? How I wonder if anyone remains here whose relationship still bears any weight. Many frustrations have been provoked here. But I doubt that they have not simply just passed through my mind en route to what I am longing for - something that is playing itself out apart from me. Until then, I know that I will continually be hoping for that perfect moment. But I have not felt loneliness like this since years past.

.: moving in brokenness :.

Life has taken an expected turn, in that 24 hours ago I took my girlfriend down to the airport and said goodbye to her for a little under four weeks. Then I packed my own bags and headed up to Vancouver to take a summer course on Christian Apologetics this week at Regent. Needless to say, I am a pinata full of emotions, getting the tar absolutely slammed out of me by simply having my life (or at least for most of August) change from how it has been. It takes very little for me to realize how I can so easily settle into the patterns of life as I grow to expect it. I miss her more than I was anticipating. There are tears welling up at some of the softer moments of my days. I am excited to get to be with old friends from Regent, for there is still faint remnants of my life up here that I can slip into when the need be. But with that joy comes deep-seated jitters, the kind that comes with the traditional first day of classes. My heart is heavy with both sorrow over the loss of Kelly (that is exactly how my soul is bearing her temporary absense)... and fears over my ability to handle what I have gotten myself into here at school. So often in moments like these, my prayer is that God would release me... from fears, from unreasonable expectations, from ways that I am being hindered or restrained. Having prepared me for this time and these experiences that I am about to encounter, I simply ask that He would allow me to be the person that He has been fashioning far before this day arrived. Do I have what it takes for even this? That question remains woven throughout so much of my story. Would I be here if I had the chance to change it all? That almost feels like an even harder question to answer in the midst of feeling alone and, at some level, back where I once sought to escape. I want to hear her voice, to hear her encouraging me to give it my best and give myself grace in every space that leaves me exposed and vulnerable. But I also want to hear His voice, one that is bidding me to abide in Him, to trust her in His hands (which are far greater to save than my own), and to enter fully into what lies ahead of me this very day. I want to enter into it... but a large part of me was hoping to enter into it with her beside me. I find now that I am far more divided than I was anticipating.

So release me, Father...

.: falling from desire :.

I feel myself at times falling out of desire. It wanes from time to time, and I feel like I must hold onto the previous experiences of rich joy and contentment to point back to what I know is true. And I do know that it is true, for it has proved itself true time and time again. It would be so easy for me to give into the whispers in my heart that claim self-deception. They would have me to believe that my vision was skewed and my intentions mistaken. But a kind of clarity remains in staying where I am, not being wooed away to what would calm those lingering uncertainties. Those places that bear my footprints are far too common, promising life with foreseen directions. No one would fault me for going back there. We all have, with excuses remaining prepared upon our lips. But these days, I have been choosing to teach my heart to settle in such spaces. I cannot always win the arguments that seem to lodge themselves in undefended areas. But silence has done me much good, as it has allowed me to rest in what I know is right, though my resolve is often questioned. But I guess that is to be expected.

.: sickness from safety :.

We have all hedged that safe bet, quite possibly a hundred times over. We dared not to risk losing it all by trusting in that which would provide the majority of what we have been longing for. Far too few of us are willing to put the fulfillment of our deepest desires into jeopardy. We mark our boundaries at the outset of emerging threats to our happiness. But who of us will push through such dangers and give up what feels like everything for even the potential of something greater? A sad sickness stirs within me as I dwell upon all those times when I have gone the path of least resistance and refused to hold out for more (even if there was no promise of keeping anything at all). But when my own heart is placed on the line and the die is cast for a lot that includes my future, nothing remains that would keep me silent any longer. None of us wants to lose it all, and we want something to promise us real life. But will we ever become truly settled with something that we could have seen deepen and mature down the road? Better to possess something that would give us a name than to take a chance which could leave us feeling exposed, or having come up empty. There are forces beyond our control that push us into those moments in which we pledge safety as our guide. Our self-made shelters seem to be giving us what we require. No point in chancing the loss of any one of them. Unless... unless we could find something closer to our hearts. Unless we could find something that does far more than simply get us through the day and make us feel tolerated. We long for real beauty - will we hold out for it? We desire the passion of another - will we do what that requires, even if it costs us moments of life itself? We want life in full color - will we reject the half dozen shades that we have taught ourselves to endure? Then safety will have to be cast off for the sake of finding our heart's delight. But it will cost us, for the life that is worth defending first takes a fight to take hold of.

.: reality and the unsurpassed :.

Regret. It leaves us desperately wanting to rewrite the past. We had set out with great expectations of what would come of you and me. The story has taken turns and twists that leave us wanting more. But spaces remain that could easily make it all dwindle down to the mistakes of our best intentions. We would never have wanted to cast shadows upon what stirs the deepest of joy within us. And it's not as if it continues to be so effortless to repeat. We can try and try harder each time, but we cannot reshape how things have already come about. There is far too much going for us to allow such moments to surpass what lies within the future. But will it haunt us in unguarded pieces of our lives? It was absurd to think that we could find perfection in every movement, though I admit I was hoping for it for us alone. This life contains more muddle to it than I am used to living with. Traditions and systems have taught me otherwise for far too long. But days like these are stretching us, painting with colors darker than the past. But we have done nothing upon which shame could attach itself for any longer than an instant. Daylight calls us into that life beyond ourselves, in which we find the essence of both Creator and Creation. We can rise above what we want and enter into what we long for. These emotions, they come and they go. But that which has been unsurpassed becomes reality as we surrender ourselves at any given occasion to what will speak His glory into that which keeps unfolding. We have no room for regret in our hearts, for our spirit desires to see that work take root. And it is, brilliantly erasing every opportunity for disappointment to creep in. Tastes of things to come are moments of unfading hope. We can continue, knowing that we cannot unravel these ties of devotion.

.: the importance of being alone :.

We are far too distracted from the discipline of healthy introspection when we get caught up in the flood of maintaining relationships. There is an inner dialogue that eventually begins to rise up, questioning if you really are who you once saw yourself to be. The lens of your mind’s eye develops some sort of steam on it, and you find little to no time to deal with it. Eventually you grow to take your temperature from other people’s reaction to your antics, all the while wondering if you are selling little pieces of your heart for the sake of good interactions. You breathe a sigh of relief when potential time alone presents itself, only to have it stolen by the “ought to” or “always have”. Rest will hopefully make its way to you soon – the chance of finding some is unlikely. You need this. You need time to take your own pulse and to set yourself straight once again. You need to trace your steps, and if the need be, discover how you have ended up in this particular place. No one is going to fight for that “space” for you, not even the ones you give yourself for. Especially them. But you will not be able to give what you do not realize you even possess. Not if you don’t somehow find the time. Schedules and routines have a way of running you at their own demanding pace. But do not accept the obligation to live like that without some sort of necessary compromise. Leave them wanting more. Give them time to themselves. Make that call and take the heat for seeming to be the more unloving of you both. You need to know who you are. You need to recall where you are heading. You must see the subtle compromises that may have been made to find what you were looking for. And you need to settle all bets, to betray those alliances that are stealing life from you, and to recollect the strength and confidence that is your own – that which no one else but the Father has placed within you.

.: the God of the free :.

Recently I have been growing more and more uncomfortable with this phenomena of worshipping the concept of America. I have no problem with supporting the cause of freedom and fighting for that... but we should not be fighting to protect America as a regime. It is not about the USA - it is about people being free, and us working to liberate those who are not. When we are singing songs about this place called America, and not about how we are what we are by God's grace, we place our focus on a competing kingdom. Don't just sing about "the land of the free" - sing and worship the God who has worked to set us free! This is certainly not intended as a shot against our soldiers... but if they think that are only fighting for America - rather than what it ought to rightly stand for and represent (freedom and love) - they are fighting for a finite regime, one that continually turns its back on the One who liberated it first and foremost!

.: a peace that breathes :.

Something beautiful happens when all of our relationships (with God, with others, and with self) are all in harmony and perfect working order. When everything is at peace, and we see better than ever before where our heart lies in the midst of being involved with everyone around us, we breathe deeper and long to venture even further. And we know it at a soul level, when everything is as it should be. We have longed for this place, and now that we are here, we would be even willing to fight for it at the first inkling of it passing. What are the things that so often steal it from our grasp? We never wanted to stir things up for that effect alone, nor would we hold onto our woundedness once we see it for what it is (though once this was not true). And yet we live day to day, knowing that our honesty may cost us again in the near future. But it is a price that we would pay time and again for what it promises down the road. The defensiveness that raises itself up in the face of being cut deeply has its limitations, for it will never allow us to grow. We want to be here. We have longed to be here. And we might even hope to bring others with us, knowing that they too are weighed down in this particular section of their own stories. But we can rest only in the hope that we will experience this feeling once and for all in the return of the One who heals what so often finds itself wronged.

.: back again :.

First day of Summer 2006. Sooo much stuff to pack and unpack and repack. Settling into life back home. Rainy weekends are my reward for finishing off strong. More than passed the one class that I was worried about (B+). Wishing I was where I am longing to be. Periods of silence and settledness move slowly back into my life. This is unblazed territory for me... but the beauty is overwhelming. No plan for how to receive the people and moments that surround me. Just take it in and listen to the words my heart forms for each instance. A life that throws me from managable to unpredictable and back again. Mornings that are slow but start early. All of this was not to be expected. But age and experience has made safety and control seem more useless in my grip. Contining on...

.: walking the long road :.

At this stage in the game, one has the propensity to start wondering if he or she started down the right course, one that is fitting for what they are gifted to do and passionate about. There are activities in life that feel like a sprint, and these things are over before they begin. They come, they take place, and we move on. But in those matters that feel more like a marathon, some of us runners start wondering if we are even running the right direction. When does it become more practical to finish the race before you, rather than slowing down short of the end and begin preparing for the race that is indeed right for you? There certainly have been plenty of people cheering on from the sidelines... but do they even have the ability to know if you are in over your head or not? No one knows us better than we know ourselves, outside of our Creator. But I sense that some of my deepest curiosity, matched with some of my fears and concerns, has been trying to get the best of me recently. And I am wrestling with the essence of what I began so long ago. Nevertheless, I find myself developing questions so that I might probe these apprehensions for their roots. Do most people really enjoy what they do from sunrise to sunset, or is it simply to fund their weekends? But then again, do I really want what the average laborer has grown to be satisfied with? This could not come at a worse time, and I begin to see the end, having had the terrain change midcourse. The best thing is to do what it requires to keep myself from being thrown off so close to this completion. But I wonder if some of the slightest mistaken realities and well-meaning companions have caused me to be miles from where I would find a much richer destination. Oh, to rediscover what started me off down this path, and to embrace once again my design and destiny!

.: a song for each season :.

"Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, life is wonderful... ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, life goes full circle." - Jason Mraz

Music has a way of catching me off guard at some of the deepest moments of my life. And in a matter of a few chords and a couple lines, I so often find myself being caught up in the reality of someone saying exactly what I was feeling. Now I don't exactly figure myself to have a hard time expressing what I am feeling - sometimes more than I should have. But there is something beautiful that happens as I put those earpieces in and get lost in hearing what any given artist is singing. Today is definately one of those mornings where I am trying to process all that life consists of right now - primarily strong desires and looming fears. And as I seek to find clarity, my heart hears a handful of songs in the midst of a sunlit walk... and part of me cries out, "Yes, that is exactly how I am feeling!". The beauty comes in having someone acknowledge some of your deepest feelings, even if it is some pop sensation or the greatest person to ever strap an acoustic guitar on. What are some of those songs for you? What are those tunes that you can play in which those lyrics sound like pages from some of your most recent journal entries? What are the melodies that have those sections that cause you to look around to see if anyone is looking, right before you belt it out at the top of your lungs? For me, those are some of the greatest moments in a day to experience, finding a song that has the ability to carry you through the hills and valleys. A song that potentially sheds light on inner chaos and even names certain parts of reality for me. My mental list of "top ten songs" is certainly always changing, but there are those instant classics that allow me to breathe much easier simply by soaking in their words and sounds. And in a powerful way, they call me into places where I can feel my strength coming back to me... and be reminded that life is more than simply experiencing the weight of my heavier emotions. In a simple song, I am able to return to peace and ease and incredible joy.

"Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?" - John Mayer

.: johnnycache316 :.

As of yesterday, the world-wide Geocaching community has a brand new member: JohnnyCache316. I had the privledge of joining three veterans in this wonderful sport for a day of sun-filled geocache hunting all around Whidbey Island. We had a list of 11 possible caches... attempted 8, and only found 6. But I think I have found an exciting new hobby to share in with local friends and family. For those of you who are already plugged in, any recommendations as to a good, basic, cheap hand-held GPS unit? I have never had such a great time blazing through dog parks, walking across snake-filled muddy roads, searching around park bushes, and laying on my stomach looking under stone-fashioned Flintstone cars ("Flintstone Park" in Oak Harbor) for film canisters and ammo boxes. God bless the inventor of this incredible summer sport!

.: last day at twenty-eight :.

Today is the last day I will ever be 28. Tomorrow I will wake up as a 29 year old... and begin to live the last year of my twenties. What have been some of the highlights? Graduating from college, going to Israel, working in Junior High Youth Ministry, going to Regent, working at Mount Hermon, meeting so many new people, learning so many new things (about myself, about others, about God), and potentially meeting a life long friend. Tomorrow is the day that I begin acting my age, I guess... and at least acting out the best years of my life all over again. There are no re-dos in this life... but there are moments of sweet redemption all around us, just waiting until we are distracted so that they can catch us completely off guard. I think one of the deeper lessons that I have (l)earned these recent years is that of simply not kidding myself. Maybe the better phrase is to learn to live in light of reality as it truly is. And yes, that is way easier said than done, for most (if not all) of us have plenty of idols and other distractions that keep us from life. As for me, I want to do whatever it takes to keep my eyes open wide, positioned with all my senses to breathe it all in, with hope being more than alive in the deepest spaces of me. I admit, these years are going far quicker than I am used to... and I certainly am in no rush to get anywhere, as much as I desire to be there. But these times are greater than I had anticipated. And having pushed through - or at the very least, dragged through - all the fears, apprehensions, and misunderstandings, I am ready to wake to find those things that still await me.

.: some of the better days :.

The rain drops seem to be falling this morning slower than ever before. Somehow life has taken one of the most subtle turns. And though the sun has yet to break through, I know that there is a peace that sustains me beyond the climates and conditions. These are some of the better days of my life, and where it goes from here leaves me curiously breathless. Everything around me says that I don't deserve to rejoice. But for the first time in a while, I am going to hold onto this with everything that I am. None of us wants to embrace the storms that have become so commonplace in our souls. So why do we regret seeing such beauty break into our lives at the outset of such? None of my words can piece together the stillness in my heart. I know this - I am alive... and blessed to be here. My eyes are covered... my face upwardly takes it all in, as if to listen with all five of my senses... arms outstretched in unflinching vulnerability. I have been catching myself taking much deeper breaths lately, as if to capture the taste of what is all around me. I want this - what lies right before me - with all that I have to offer. I seemingly may run from these moments, but in reality, I know that they are not fleeting... though life would attempt to convince me otherwise. Nothing assures me that this will remain, outside of a faith in that which escapes my hold. This is love and life and laughter, all offering themselves to me in doses that lift me above these dark skies. Sense and reason make a mess of it all, though I don't have the luxury of casting them off. This I know: I refuse to make excuses for why I will not let myself be beautifully overwhelmed by all of it.

.: reading week :.

Free at last!
Free at last!
Thank God Almighty!
I am free at last!

(Don't expect much from me while I am on vacation... not to say that I have been offering much anyways!)

.: say hello, wave goodbye :.

What with being involved in two different places - Regent in Vancouver and back home in Mount Vernon - I often feel like I have the best of both worlds. It just seems that I have the constant joy of showing up, whether it be with my family or my roommates, and getting a warm welcome. In both of these places, I am made to feel like a king. Simply by entering back into that "community" of people once again, I feel the deepest of feelings... like I matter to those people. And yes, I do... and they also deeply matter to me! But it just seems that I love that "hello", to the point that I so often feel oblivious to the "goodbye" that it cost me to be in that place.

Below the surface of such warm feelings is the desire to always be somewhere new. Why is it that I so often grow tired of wherever I am at any given moment, even if it be ever so slightly? Why do I love traveling, and even more what awaits me once I get there? Why do I love having a space that only I can fill... even a variety of spaces? What is stirring within me that causes me to enjoy absense, and could it be simply because, as the proverb predicts, it makes the hearts of loved ones grow fonder... for me? And possibly, I may carry a fear within me that I may overstay my welcome somewhere. But to always have a means of escape, a promise that should things go bad, I can bail and cast my lot in with another group for as long as necessary. Neither situation (school nor home) is so bad that I ever find myself running from either place. Rather it seems like I live as the child who runs from ride to ride within an amusement park, anticipating some new joy or experience that will shadow the previous one. But am I possibly so unsatisifed with things as they are that I have to mix life up at such a pace and degree that I keep myself so amused, lest I ever become fully aware of its actual finiteness or failings?

No doubt, I long for "home"... though I find I rarely, if ever, dream about it. I long for something - anything - new. And I long to be with those who accept me... ones who will receive me time and time again. Never have I had it so good that I have various places that involve me - even require me at some level. But not one of them leaves me truly satisifed, for at every corner is the potential for them to turn sour and expose how they cannot come through for me as I have been hoping for for some time now. Better to keep my options open, I guess.

.: avoiding the errors :.

Why am I so susceptible to people, pastors, professors, that offer such neatly packaged systems of life? Answer: I want life to be simple and manageable and predictable... at least at some level. It just seems that time and time again, I hear someone relate to how we ought to live as human beings, as Christians, as (fill in the blank), and what they are saying seems to make such perfect sense of the chaos that I find myself in daily. And I draw a line in the sand and proclaim, "Yes, this is the way that we were meant to live!". And then somewhere along the way, I somehow manage to come to my senses and realize in some way that this system has missed something. This particular way of managing life and love and relationships and personal elements has left something out. Or even worse, it bears some sort of fatal flaw. And sadly enough, another person comes along just in the nick of time to offer a new system for the old one that I just scraped.

The reality that I am just waking to is that I have paid the price repeatedly for pushing all I am in on one way of "doing it"... doing life itself. Like clockwork, that way of micromanaging the dynamics that I struggle with falls miserably short, it blows up in my face, and the pieces I hold in my hands mirror the shame and embarrassment that have become such common companions in my journey towards fuller life. I want so deeply to break free from all these things, but I am slowly but surely discovering that what exists at the core of my very nature is the demand to find a way to escape pain and frustration and such costly errors of language and motion. I get so frustrated with myself for ever having believed those people that I once trusted and esteemed... and frustrated that I fell for it. As the days and years go by, seemingly at a pace that has slipped through my controlling hands, I am finding that the voices that I willfully choose to embrace are fewer and fewer. You can only be conned so many times before you grow to trust only yourself and a select few, who in all reality you have very little reason to make excuse for, but you seemingly do so anyways.

The beauty of this life (only in the sense that I am choosing to now see it as such) is that even as I write these words, they are most likely coming from my freshest system, which (thankfully) bears a shelf life that is shorter than the ones previous. Yes, once again, I will wake up all over again and reject the whole thing somewhere down the road! Nevertheless, there is life out there to discover... or better yet to happen upon and be caught off guard by. And something says at a life beyond reason that it looks like a life that simply, restfully, continually, remains in a person rather than a defined position. But all along the way, I am seeing myself to be a person who will attempt various shortcuts to reaching my destination apart from any degree of straining and hurting and backtracking. Yes, I will end up there, ultimately by means beyond my human limits. And hopefully I will take hold of the grace that awaits me in each new rejection of the past. For in that lies the source of a life that lies beyond all contemporary patterns of attempted perfection.

.: one :.

You only get one chance
Is this how you want to spend it?
What if you waste it?
What if something better comes along later?
What if it is just around the corner?
Do you really want to come this far
Only to spend it like this?
Are you sure that you are ready to commit yourself to this decision?
Do you have what it takes to follow through?
Especially if and when it turns out to not be what you had expected?

At some point you are going to have to draw a line in the sand
At some point you are going to have to make this utmost important decision
At some point you are going to have to push all in and risk it all
If you want to win as big as you have been longing for
Waiting is only going to cause more confusion and up the ante that much more
And as you grow more suspicious
You will make it harder and harder to do on into the future

There is something deeper here than happiness
There is something richer here than success
There is something larger than just what you can see for yourself
Your eyes are beginning to open
But only as you continue to focus on what's before you
You cannot lose
If only you would hold onto the single thing that no one can keep you from
That which you possess
That which you have been hiding from
That which has come to you
But only by differing accounts of a great price
That which no one does like unto you

Do that
Be that
Live the life that your heart is begging for
Though you have so often rehearsed how to silence it
Do so no more
And hear it cry aloud in tones beyond measure or control

.: from manual to invitation :.

The Scriptures have always been a fundamental part of my life as a follower of Christ. Even at an early age, much of my experience as a Christian was having my father gather all of the family together in the living room and reading to us out of Psalms and Proverbs. But it was not until I was in High School that I began to consider the idea of how exactly I was to interpret the words, concepts, and themes of the Bible. At some level, I grew up with the assumption that the power of the Word simply came through reading it. It was a wholly different question of what the lenses and filters through which I received the text truly were (something that I did not receive education in until my time at a Christian liberal arts college). Those elements have continually been shaped, as well as are continuing to be fashioned during my time here at Regent.

My understanding of how to read and interpret the Scriptures has been formed through my involvement in three specific contexts and experiences: growing up in a Baptist church, studying at a fundamental college, and recently serving in Youth Ministries. Each of these informs the way that I approach the biblical text as both a pastor and as a Christian in some way or fashion. My view of the Bible was primarily instilled through the teaching that I sat under up until about seven years ago, having been instructed by both pastors and professors who held to a literal interpretation for the most part. The sections of Scripture that I believed to be taken figuratively were the ones that made sense to consider as such (the visions of the Old Testament prophets, as well as the book of Revelation), but other than these parts, I have learned to take what each author has written at face value. For the majority of my life, I have considered the Scriptures to be a text that instructs us with regards to living the Christian life, done so through its fundamental commands as to what to do, as well as what not to do. It has not been until the past five years that this perspective have been personally challenged and reconstructed in my own life because of study and personal experience.

In principle, I believe that the person who desires to grow in faith and righteousness as a disciple of Christ must be consistently reading through, as well as ruminating over, the Word of God. In the same way that we cannot operate a vehicle without a manual, nor construct an object without instructions, we will never find growth as believers apart from discovering the truths of the Bible and seeking to apply them to our own lives. But in practice, it has been a struggle to habitually read the Bible for much of my life. More often then not, I have made rash commitments to reading far more of the Word than I have in the past, only to find myself failing some time soon after. This has been largely because of my attempting to remain faithful to such a task purely by means of my own "flesh", rather than depending upon the Spirit to form it as a habit within my life.

Unfortunately, the times of success (in terms of continuing to soak in the Scriptures) have been diminished in my own life by initial commitments that eventually went up in smoke. The specific strategies that have failed to keep me plugged into the Scriptures were often unsuccessful because I failed to make the connection between what I was reading at that time with my own context of living, especially in terms of my internal desires, fears, hopes, expectations, and deep questions concerning reality and purpose. Because I failed to see during those times how the Bible was shedding light on something greater than my own tinted perspective on life (colored by the accusations of the Enemy, as well as the desires of my own flesh to live apart from God having gone unchecked), I have often given up on such well-intentioned resolutions. But as I grow older, such failures are occurring less and less.

Overall, my time here at Regent College has played a fundamental role in developing a far more healthy perspective concerning how to read and interpret the Scriptures according to their God-given purpose. Having received significant instruction, it has become my conviction that the Scriptures are first and foremost a text concerning the relationship of divinity with humanity. In turn, for us to simply peruse the Word of God for tips and tidbits on how to escape hell and to appease God is to read it for less than its inherent design. The words of Scripture are in essence words that invite us into fellowship with God. They are words that shape and guide our hearts and lives, for its various narratives relate to what life was intended to be prior to the Fall of Humanity (Genesis 3). Beyond just the language of commands and warnings, the Word of God speaks to the potential of life in the Lord, one that is marked by liberation, grace, love, and divine friendship.

.: well worth the trip :.

I am about 48 hours away from ditching the school work, packing my passport, getting in the car with my roommate, driving across the border, picking up my brother, continuing on to Seattle... and seeing the second greatest band in the world: Coldplay. It is roughly going to be a seven hour round trip just to see them, but it is well worth the trip down there just to get to see them perform some of my favorite songs. I had the opportunity to buy more than 3 tickets, but I am still licking my wounds from the Counting Crows / John Mayer / Maroon 5 show at the Gorge, where I bought 4 tickets and ended up having to sell 2 of them at half price to some creepy guy who had a wad of twenties. So I only bought 3 with a few people specifically in mind. Looking back, I wish I had bought more and simply "E-Bayed" them... but you live and learn, right? Well, for those of you who need a small glimpse of what I am going to be doing this Wednesday night, I invite you to partake of this video. The second half of it just sends chills up my spine, making me think, "That is going to be me in 2 days!"

Coldplay - Fix You (Video)

.: alive in the silence :.

I figure that today is the day that I break the period of silence on this blog with some kind of expression of sorrow for having not written for some time, matched with shedding some light on why exactly it went down like this. It's not as if I began to believe that no one was reading my thoughts. Many of you have been such a consistent encouragement to me with regards to keeping up with this medium of communication and engagement (for which I thank you once again - it means more than you may think). And it's not as if I forgot that I had a blog to begin with. There have been more times than I can even count that I stared at a blank page wishing that something would come together that I could offer to you all. And every time I booted up the internet on my laptop, I was reminded of how long it has been with even the smallest glance of my homepage (this very website - surprise, surprise!).

But the truth be told, I haven't written for some time because I have really been in a new sort of place recently with certain events that have occured in my life. And every time I thought of sharing some of my thoughts from the various highs and lows that have happened along the path, all of them felt way too personal to simply lay out on such an impersonal format such as this. Strangely enough, day and night find me in a place where I feel more isolated than ever before... though not completely alone. But the very things that I would love to share with you are ultimately unfit to print because they would be nothing short of dishonoring, in the sense that I would be casting them as less meaningful than they have felt. This certainly is not to say that this blog is designed to be shallow dribble for you to consider on your way to better web pages, but nothing that I have run into (or better yet, has run into me) feels like it is even remotely close to being something I would want to share.

I haven't been here before, in a place where "personal" and "intimate" felt so doggone threatening. But even greater than that, it has left me feeling like very few would have no clue about what I am wrestling with... but feelings, fears, and pains as deep as I have been experiencing them recently have no words to them that can be published. Not ones such as these! Even to the point that a sense of repackaged apathy, paired with an apparently self-consuming refusal to care about my impact upon others (for good or bad), have been dogging my heels.

There is nothing more crushing to experience at times than the sense that you could not be more fully aware of your own faults, inconsistencies, and habits than you are at that moment... and than realizing that there is not a single space in your heart or mind that seems to have any clue as to how to bring a radical halt to all of those ruthless inner companions on the journey of faith (which at this space in time could be just as much away from it as towards it - the reality of it going either way even seems to be one of the last cares on my mind). Liberated... freed... roaming... shocked... existing... eyes wide open... awake... overwhelmed... speechless. These have been some of the very words that touch upon what keeps me from what seemed so common and compelling before. And where it goes from here in every sense of the concept remains to be seen. Very few promises from here on out!