.: moving in brokenness :.

Life has taken an expected turn, in that 24 hours ago I took my girlfriend down to the airport and said goodbye to her for a little under four weeks. Then I packed my own bags and headed up to Vancouver to take a summer course on Christian Apologetics this week at Regent. Needless to say, I am a pinata full of emotions, getting the tar absolutely slammed out of me by simply having my life (or at least for most of August) change from how it has been. It takes very little for me to realize how I can so easily settle into the patterns of life as I grow to expect it. I miss her more than I was anticipating. There are tears welling up at some of the softer moments of my days. I am excited to get to be with old friends from Regent, for there is still faint remnants of my life up here that I can slip into when the need be. But with that joy comes deep-seated jitters, the kind that comes with the traditional first day of classes. My heart is heavy with both sorrow over the loss of Kelly (that is exactly how my soul is bearing her temporary absense)... and fears over my ability to handle what I have gotten myself into here at school. So often in moments like these, my prayer is that God would release me... from fears, from unreasonable expectations, from ways that I am being hindered or restrained. Having prepared me for this time and these experiences that I am about to encounter, I simply ask that He would allow me to be the person that He has been fashioning far before this day arrived. Do I have what it takes for even this? That question remains woven throughout so much of my story. Would I be here if I had the chance to change it all? That almost feels like an even harder question to answer in the midst of feeling alone and, at some level, back where I once sought to escape. I want to hear her voice, to hear her encouraging me to give it my best and give myself grace in every space that leaves me exposed and vulnerable. But I also want to hear His voice, one that is bidding me to abide in Him, to trust her in His hands (which are far greater to save than my own), and to enter fully into what lies ahead of me this very day. I want to enter into it... but a large part of me was hoping to enter into it with her beside me. I find now that I am far more divided than I was anticipating.

So release me, Father...

.: falling from desire :.

I feel myself at times falling out of desire. It wanes from time to time, and I feel like I must hold onto the previous experiences of rich joy and contentment to point back to what I know is true. And I do know that it is true, for it has proved itself true time and time again. It would be so easy for me to give into the whispers in my heart that claim self-deception. They would have me to believe that my vision was skewed and my intentions mistaken. But a kind of clarity remains in staying where I am, not being wooed away to what would calm those lingering uncertainties. Those places that bear my footprints are far too common, promising life with foreseen directions. No one would fault me for going back there. We all have, with excuses remaining prepared upon our lips. But these days, I have been choosing to teach my heart to settle in such spaces. I cannot always win the arguments that seem to lodge themselves in undefended areas. But silence has done me much good, as it has allowed me to rest in what I know is right, though my resolve is often questioned. But I guess that is to be expected.

.: sickness from safety :.

We have all hedged that safe bet, quite possibly a hundred times over. We dared not to risk losing it all by trusting in that which would provide the majority of what we have been longing for. Far too few of us are willing to put the fulfillment of our deepest desires into jeopardy. We mark our boundaries at the outset of emerging threats to our happiness. But who of us will push through such dangers and give up what feels like everything for even the potential of something greater? A sad sickness stirs within me as I dwell upon all those times when I have gone the path of least resistance and refused to hold out for more (even if there was no promise of keeping anything at all). But when my own heart is placed on the line and the die is cast for a lot that includes my future, nothing remains that would keep me silent any longer. None of us wants to lose it all, and we want something to promise us real life. But will we ever become truly settled with something that we could have seen deepen and mature down the road? Better to possess something that would give us a name than to take a chance which could leave us feeling exposed, or having come up empty. There are forces beyond our control that push us into those moments in which we pledge safety as our guide. Our self-made shelters seem to be giving us what we require. No point in chancing the loss of any one of them. Unless... unless we could find something closer to our hearts. Unless we could find something that does far more than simply get us through the day and make us feel tolerated. We long for real beauty - will we hold out for it? We desire the passion of another - will we do what that requires, even if it costs us moments of life itself? We want life in full color - will we reject the half dozen shades that we have taught ourselves to endure? Then safety will have to be cast off for the sake of finding our heart's delight. But it will cost us, for the life that is worth defending first takes a fight to take hold of.