.: traditions :.

I am a member of a "traditional" family. And one of those great traditions is getting dressed up and going shopping as a family along with all the other nutcases who are choosing to spend 8 hours on their feet. Today is that day! Today is the day that we go to the same mall, look at the same stores, try out the newest models of the same toys, and go to the same restaurant for our same spaghetti dinner. And the crazy thing is... I totally enjoy it! I enjoy getting to be with my parents and siblings, although my attitude will probably be different after I have mingled with all those insane shoppers. But overall, I really enjoy getting to spend the day with them and create opportunities for new memories to laugh about next year. Traditions like this are ones that I look forward to. And it is just one of the couple traditions that make up a time of the year that I love best!

.: sixteen hours to go :.

Yes, as my friend Wes so kindly pointed out, I haven't had much time to post to my blog lately. What with a paper to polish off and an Old Testament final to prepare for, I have been a little busy! This final is looming over my head, and I have spent all day indoors trying to get ready for a test that determines a large percent of my grade. So being the perfectionist that I am, I have refused to do much more than study (outside of the occassional break of checking email, reading blogs, watching a Simpson's episode, and drinking tons of water to get rid of the bug that I have managed to catch)! I will just just keep studying until they force me to go to class and take the test. And then... it will all be over!



Until then, you might check out the links on the far left side of this page!

.: weekend ramblings :.

I rarely ever write something plain on this blog, so I thought I might do just that by sharing about my weekend. I got two major papers done on Friday and Saturday (which gave me wicked cabin fever) so I spent the rest of the weekend just chilling out. I went to go see a good movie with my cousin over in Richmond, and my parents ended up coming to have dinner with me and the relatives at a place just down the street from my house. So I really cannot complain - a fair amount of work to do but plenty of space to prepare for this new week.



This being the final week of the Fall quarter, people are beginning to stress out because of all the papers and finals that are hitting them in the face. I for one have no voice whatsoever among them because I am taking slightly easier classes, so I am caught up - only one final to prepare for, which evidently is in nine days (no sweat!). So as everyone shifts into panic mode, I am oblivious and unable to complain about anything. Which will probably make me a pretty lonely person up here since I am surrounded by a "system of stress" for the next week and a half!



Let the countdown to temporary freedom begin!

.: solitude unto life :.

Yesterday I had the privledge of hearing a man by the name of Alvin Ung preach in my "Preaching and Worship" tutorial. He spoke out of the passage found in John 7:53-8:11, and did a powerful job of allowing us to enter into its rich truths. But one of the things that he said which spoke to my heart was this line;



"Jesus' solitude allows Him to minister in a life-giving manner."



That was such a powerful thought because of how I view myself. I want so desperately to be a person who is used by God to offer life to others. But as Alvin so richly brought out, the whole context of the passage begins by Jesus entering into a time and space of silence in which His heart could be restored by the Father. ("Then each went to his own home.... but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.") That makes the passage come that much more alive to me.



If I attempt to offer life apart from communion with the Father... if I choose to forego aligning my heart with His... I cannot offer real life to others. At least not on a long-term basis. Christ was able to offer life to that woman caught in adultery ("Then neither do I condemn you... go now and leave your life of sin.") amidst a setting of death and destruction (verse 3-6 in which the teachers of the Law sought not only for her death, but Christ's also) because of His divine communion and fellowship with the Father.



I see this not as a step to use in order to get the results I want, but rather as permission... as freedom... as liberation. I am invited to come be who the Father designed me to be... and that begins by creating space for Him to enter into and meet with me in the most intimate of terms.



I offer life by first receiving life... Hallelujah!

.: a day much as any day :.

I discovered something incredible in a park near our house today... my strength. As I was walking to the bus stop, I suddenly came across a renewed sense of identity. Why? Why like this? Why now, God? I hadn't done anything different. In fact, I kind of managed to forego my morning devotions. So it couldn't have been the instance of a quiet time of reflection. I hadn't prayed a long or honest prayer (as if those two ideas are synonomous)... so that couldn't have been where my new found confidence was coming from.



To tell you the truth, as I really thought about it, the only reasons that I could think of were the fact that I was wearing a brand new dress shirt... and that I had spent the morning working through a case study for my counseling class. Those two things were the only elements that I could point to and say, "Aha! A method... a pattern... a way of getting it back if I ever lose it again!". Clothes (pause... take a breath) and homework. How un-stinking-orthodox is that! But that is the truth... those are the only reasons that I could come up with.



Now I could try and break this down, make it sound all spiritual. I could embrace the fact that it just feels good to be wearing new clothes. There is something about unwashed fabric that makes a person feel bold... strong enough to take on the ego crushing blows of any female! So that is the answer to my problem - just changing my wardrobe on a consistant basis.



But come to think of it, for some goofy reason, I chose to wear the same shirt today that I wore yesterday. (Okay, for those of you who need to, take a moment and acknowledge just what a bacholar thing that is of me to do!) And I didn't have the sort of "owned honesty" about myself 24 hours ago that I am possessing this moment. So despite my flashy American Eagle threads, that cannot be the real reason.



Was it my homework? I had to work through a simple case study in which I am to write a couple pages about how I would counsel someone through a range of issues and emotions. Was that why I was suddenly feeling so sure of who I am and what I have been called to in "life"? That almost seems to make more sense. After all, I was touching on an aspect of the type of pastoral ministry that I feel called to. But it was just typing a paper - I didn't actually change anyone's life. So as close as it may be to explaining this renewal, I don't think that was the cause for it.



Do you want to know what I think the answer really is?



I think it simply occured around 10:30AM in the middle of some random park in downtown Vancouver... because God just chose to speak to my heart with such passion at that moment that I suddenly felt renewed in such a powerful way. At that point in my life, His heart chose to speak to mine... and through that speaking, He cleared my view and allowed me to see myself once again. In that moment, He simply chose to offer me grace.



The same grace that He chooses to speak to me - as quiet and subtle as it may be - throughout each day. The type of grace that I cannot manipulate. Try as I may, I cannot control it or make it occur upon my command. Grace that is poured out on me... beyond my ability to reasonably manage it!



Father, give me eyes to see that grace... and the desire to hold on to it with such passion!

.: a new post :.

I really should post something new for you all to read (all 7 of my faithful readers), but ever since I had breakfast with a friend and attempted to explain to him the essence of having and maintaining a blog, I have lost all desire to really invest time in putting up some of my deepest thoughts... only to have someone who finally figured out how to work the "comment feature" on this website radically abuse it!

Why does someone have a blog? Good question...

For me, this blog allows me to share a part of what is passionate and real. For me, this blog allows me to let you have a peek into what is going on in my life. For me, this blog allows me to offer some "food for thought", not that I think that I think deep thoughts, but that there are things that strike a chord in my own heart that hopefully resonate within others. For me, this blog allows me to be known. And as I read other people's blogs, I am encouraged, edified, provoked, challenged, shocked, and reminded of deep truths.

I have so much invested in this blog... and yet I don't. I don't need this blog to have real relationships. This blog doesn't make me any more loveable. I am who I am - with or without this blog. BUT... what is being offered here is real... and what I take part in as others share their own thoughts and reactions is just as real. So... this blog is a place. A place for thinking out loud. If you don't care for what I have written, don't feel obligated to keep reading! But as many of you do respond and encourage me, I feel justified to keep doing it for the sake of how God might choose to use it... or not use it.

It is simply a webpage... it has nothing to do with the essence of who I am as a person. I would never choose to place something of such high value on something as trivial as this... especially considering the ability others have to totally misread me!

.: thanks-giving :.

On behalf of our special day tomorrow, I would like to share with you all some of the things that I have to be thankful for. Things that the Father continually brings to my mind again and again, reminding me of everything I have in this life... and the life to come. (I was even reminded of one as I was entering into the Regent building this morning!) This list should not be taken as arrogence or vain conceit on my part. Rather, I openly thank God for things that have so freely been given to me. May these things possibly echo some of the blessings of your own life!



FAMILY: I have been blessed with parents who deeply love me, as well as demonstrate a deep love for each other. I have a sister who remains a strong encouragement to me... and a brother whose friendship to me is priceless (both of whom I enjoy - am enjoyed by - and am continually challenged by.) I am an intricate part of a close family, and feel connected to an ongoing passionate love in a way that goes beyond what is typical in the world today. I am who I am today because of the rich enviroment that God allowed me to be raised up in.



FRIENDS: There are more than I could even begin to express. There are people in my life that continue to remain near to me... deeply involved in the Father's shaping of my heart and life... people who have walked many miles with me and helped to carry my burdens when my load was overwhelming. For Dan Franklin, with whom I possess an undying friendship (one that has truly stood the test of time), a man whom I consider it a privledge to call my best friend. For Mac Davis and Wendy Hughes, two friends whom the Lord used to keep me going on the path that I was contemplating walking away from, two people who represent authenticity to me in a seminary setting. For Mark Eaton, a man who continues to lead the charge for men all around him, a man in whom I found an ally over a cup of coffee, a man who knows what it means to be honest about faith and life... and to embrace what we were made for. For Bill Mueller, a man who continues to walk me through what it means to be in ministry, someone who has always kept an "open door" policy with me... and invited me to see "grace" in a new light. For friends at EBC, you continue to be used by God to nurture my faith, as well as prepare me for ministry, you continue to invite me into your lives and make me feel drawn in. And for all my other friends, who are just as near and dear to my heart... people who care about me - thank you for partnering with me in this thing called "life".



REGENT: It is such a privledge to get to study here in Vancouver. There are people who would give anything to be where I am at right now... and yet I so often take it for granted. I am being formed in powerful ways here, and I want to cherish every moment - not for the tests and books and papers... but for the friends and subtle mentors in my life whom have impacted me, and whom I have hopefully impacted.



FREEDOM: I live in the midst of boundless freedom. Freedom in a land established upon a freedom which has been won for me through the spilled blood of men and women whom I will never meet. Freedom to worship openly and confess Christ freely and boldly. Freedom to speak my thoughts without the risk of being imprisoned or losing my life. But even more... freedom in Christ, to live and move and find my identity in Him and Him alone (apart from all works of the flesh). Freedom which was given to me even while I was still an enemy of God. Freedom to be fully human, to not live perfectly, to not love perfectly, and yet to be forgiven in the eyes of the Father.



FAITH: Father God, You alone receive the praise for who You are in my life! I will never be able to fully comprehend how much You love me... and yet You continue to show me throughout every waking moment. We walk together in ways that desperately confuse me at times... ways that make me feel so tremendously exposed as a man... and You move in ways beyond my understanding. And yet You so compassionately love me... express Your tender patience with me... speak to my heart in some of the most meaningful ways... and You love me! You love me for who I am... and for who I am becoming. You love me as a child of Yours... and Your heart is only for me and my best. And though I question Your ways, and so often mistake Your love for meanness, You continue to move closer and closer to me... drawing me to You in intimate ways.



HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

.: just w(o/a)ndering :.

Correct me if I am wrong - I may just be seeing things from a poor perspective...



But I am having one of those days... one of those weeks... one of those months... where I am beginning to feel like I could pour out my heart to God in prayer and He wouldn't even be moved in the slightest way. I feel like I could passionately write of my life and how He is moving in it (though I fail so often lately to see where He is at work) in my journal... and it would just be ink on a page. My faith seems so inconsequential and because of my failure to have any real impact upon others, my identity feels up for grabs. There is impending tragedy in my life, and when my deepest fears are finally confirmed, I will acknowledge in my heart that I was in fact right all along. I feel cut off from any real fellowship, and am not really moved to find any that I can think of. There is very little spiritual food being offered to me that isn't causing me to either gag or be uninterested.



There was a fire stirred within me, at one time... but now, I simply feel huddled now around smoldering ashes. I am sure that there is a remedy - a pattern to follow and I will be able to recover. But I have no desire for such a remedy. No desire to follow a pattern. For I am the King of Short-cuts and I refuse to let myself assign a simple solve to my deeper questions and fears. So as I remain desperately confused, I am prone to believe that I am compeled to faith. I am no longer in control, and maybe the whole thing was a facade in the first place. My life is completely out of my own hands... but where I go from here seems bleak.



What is the future for me? To continue to live amidst hills and valleys of faithfulness and abandonment of God. I cannot even begin to find the words to explain how shallow and empty and "grey" that feels to me. I am at a religious school right now - one that does a better job than most at calling me to authentic holiness - but I feel like the best thing that I have going for me is the upcoming break. Than and maybe than, I will be able to recover and find rest for my wandering soul. Maybe I will recover my passion, but my spirit so highly doubts it!



Family and friends seem the closest to my true nature right now... and with the Christmas season around the corner, maybe I can live off the aroma for a couple weeks in January. But life seems so lifeless right now... and God is seen as being more than out of my own control. I am weak, I am miserable... and I feel like I am right where both the Father and the enemy want me. Hurting, lonely, lost, wounded... faithless, dependant, selfish, and scared.



FATHER... come meet me in my sense of "out of control"-ness!

.: commentary :.

Because of my "Reading Film" class, I have been watching those little bonuses that come on DVD's nowadays called... "Director's Commentary". For all of you who have ever wondered why they put those on DVD's, it's for film buffs and movie nerds like me. I am writing a paper on the style and filmography of Steven Soderbergh, so last night I forced myself to watch "Ocean's Eleven" with the "Director's Commentary", followed by watching it for a second time this afternoon for the "Actor's Commentary".



Now let me explain something to you! You objectively read these words and say to yourself, "Lucky! I wish all my homework was like that... just watching films all day!" But trust me... it is not as fun as it sounds. Yeah, it is interesting to pick up little insights behind a movie, but the handful of times that I have had to do it for notes, thoughts, and fodder for my papers, it has taken me twice the length of the movie itself. That is because I have to pause the DVD every 30 seconds just so I can write down everything the person just said. No, this is not an entertaining way to spend an evening by any means. BUT... that being said, I am learning alot and it is taking something I enjoy (watching movies) to a much deeper level... which allows me to appreciate them beyond their asthetic value ("pleasing to the eye").



And, like Soderbergh says, "If you want to learn something about filmmaking, watch the commentaries on DVD's!" Okay, I think I will from now on!

.: nothing is sacred :.

So as of yesterday, I have officially had my car broken into, not just once, but twice! And this time, the lousy bum got about 7 bucks in change. Welcome to Downtown Vancouver! And then to make it worse, just as my Christian Counseling class was about to begin, I overheard some guy talking about how car theft was a lost cause for the Vancouver police. You do not know just how frustrated and exposed that makes me feel. Frustrated because it was a radical invasion of privacy... and exposed because I cannot do a single thing to keep people from doing this to me in the future. Yes, I can park under a brighter light... and sure, I can lock my doors and leave nothing exposed. But beyond that, this is simply the kind of world that we live in. People care nothing for anyone, and that certainly includes their property, except for themselves. And if they have to steal from me to get what they want, they won't think twice.



So do I double bolt my car doors (do they even have that sort of thing?) or give the best car alarm that my meager student budget can buy (at least that will scare them off initially)? Or do I simply throw up my hands and declare the victory for the sake that I cannot do anything about it? I feel like my safety has been voided on a deeper level because the issue is not just about the car as much as it is keeping people from violating or robbing me of anything. Can I trust people not to do that to me in the future? The nature of this world... the nature of this society... says no!

.: the statement of sabbath :.

Living where I am at right now in life consists of the same processes and procedures pretty much everyday. Between classes to attend, notes to take, papers to write, videos to watch, and articles to review, I wake up each morning to begin - or better yet, continue - the same process as the day before. And from the looks of things, this will be my steady diet for the next three years.



That is why this past Sunday, I took a break. In the midst of the final month of studies for this quarter - a time in which things begin to grow more heated - I took a Sabbath. A break... a rest... a pause in the form of a period of time. Being ever so fitting that it happened to occur on the recognized Lord's Day, I did what I felt I needed to do... I sought rest through setting aside "life" as I had been experiencing it for the past six days.



What I found suprising enough was enough was people's reactions to my doing so. In the context of graduate school, even one with a spiritual focus such as Regent, to take a Sabbath is really not what I would see as being typical of one's particular week. And in the face of feeling lately that I wish that I could do it, rather than turning myself back over to the books and papers, I sought some rest. In my heart of hearts, as busy as I felt (or am made even to feel by everyone else's business), I made the statement with that rest that spoke to my soul at a deep level. The statement sounded something like, "This is not what you were created for; work, study, busyness. You were created as a whole being!" And through creating some space in my life in the form of a Sabbath, that statement was heard loud and clear.



You see, in my own life, I live in a world... I function in a society... that has a powerful and effective way of fragmenting me. By the end of my week, by the time Saturday evening rolls around, there are large chunks of me that have broken apart from the rest. That is not healthy... that is not how I was created to exist. So through a pause in my week, by simply not doing what consists of the habits that I have taken on in the form of graduate work, I took this past week and the one that I woke up into this morning... and I broke them apart. I gave my life a distinct "beginning" and a distinct "conclusion". In the past, it has been the "same old, same old". But having experienced Sabbath in some sense, I woke to a morning that spoke of a brand new day... not just a fuzzy blur in the midst of trying to survive this quarter.



I need such a pause in my life in order to remain a whole person. It is at the very foundation of my identity as a creation of God, patterned for me by the Creator Himself (Genesis 1 & 2). It is not His desire that I remain so busy, so focused on pushing ahead and slugging through my piles of homework, that I remain shattered and weary. Rest brings health. Rest brings life. Rest brings stability at a soul level. I want to be a whole person, and yesterday, to fully live out that desire, I sought a Sabbath so as to invite God to remain at the center of what "life" means for me right now... and not just busyness.

.: more isolation and independance :.

Maybe you are just reading the words of a man who desperately wants to become who God desires him to be… and yet longs to return home? Yes, home is definitely a place of comfort. Home is a place where a man has a name and is known by others. I just fear that we have exalted those who have left home at the cost of downplaying those who feel a commitment to their hometown. I agree – all people must leave home at one point in their life. But if someone is able to wrestle with God and find their own identity apart from others in the context of their home, are we justified in our denouncing their decision to stay home? There is something to be said for simply being where the Father leads you, which at a deeper level is ultimately to a place of permission and release and freedom. If someone can enter into that at home, we need to begin to honor that once again.



I am a man who needs others. I openly confess my inability to remain independent for a long length of time. I simply was not built that way… and I am quickly growing tired of hiding that fact from others. At one point, I was dependant upon my parents as a child. But even as a man, I still need family and friends. I need their love. I need their compassion. I need their acceptance. And “yes”… ultimately, I need them in a healthy balance to my call to follow Christ and receive (understand and embrace) my identity from the Father. (Therein lies the heart of the contention between the two positions that I am wrestling with.) How God does that is unique to everyone, apart from all other experiences in others. Just because He has done that for men in third world countries does not mean that it is any less powerful and personal in the midst of their hometown. We are built for real relationships with others, and those very relationships inherently tie us into the context in which they were first built. For me to remain free to leave means that I must be able to say I don’t need them. I simply cannot say that of everyone in my life, for God has placed people in my life beyond just a selfish use of them. And for me to enter into their life in authentic ways means that I must offer some ability to play a healthy role in their life and allow our relational natures to play their own role and create a reliance (though not in replacement of God, but only so far as it works towards greater fellowship with and faith in the Father) between us both.



The bigger issue is where we are at as “whole” people. And if moving away from home can bring a more healthy perspective (help us to see ourselves and God better), I certainly would advocate that. But I feel that we must guard against running away from anything or anyone. We must guard against letting our fears get the best of us and keeping us from the life that God is calling us to live. But God hasn’t called everyone to leave home… and that is His will! Who are we to simply interpret it so as to exalt leaving home as the highest place? For some men leave home to hide in the same way that some stay home to guard against what they fear. The deeper issue is where they are at internally rather than physically. We are all in journey. We are all in process. How dare we interpret one path as being the higher way of sorts!

.: isolation and independance :.

I am severely wrestling with the concept of strength in isolation and independence. The common myth of the day is that the person who needs nobody… who is dependant upon nothing and no one… has a strength that other people know nothing of. I am struggling with the fact that we exalt those who move away from their homes and make a new life in contrast to those who stay. I have been led to believe that there comes a day and age when a person must cut all ties and abandon everything and everyone (particularly family and hometown friends). And that if a person fails to do so, that somehow implies weakness, insufficiency, or immaturity.



It has been said that all people must leave home at a point in their youth and “come of age” at a place far away from home. But my point of contention is… what if the person gets to that place, sees who they are apart from everyone else (an identity drawn from themselves, their true nature and essence, and no one else), and then desires to return home? What do we make of such people? I fear that we label them as less than those who left home and never turned back. We have managed to glorify isolation. We have exalted the ability to not need anyone else. And that appears to me to be in direct opposition to our divine nature. Having been created in the image of the divine Trinity, an essence that exists within relationship to itself (Himself – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), our very nature is that of relationship. We were built to coexist with others, to build and enjoy real relationships. Didn’t God proclaim in the midst of creation that it was not good for man to be alone?



And yet in this day and age, we condemn dependence upon others. (I am speaking here of healthy dependence, and not that which steals our inherent need for dependence upon God) Don’t we truly need each other, or are we to keep an attitude where we cannot rely upon others for the sake of remaining autonomous? We praise those who manage to become self-sufficient, self-governing, and self-directed. As a follower of Christ, I have yet to enter into a day where I did not desperately need Christ! I need someone else… I need the Father. But even further, in that regard, are we (as the Church) not called to function together as the BODY of Christ? That Body cannot function with independent members, different Body parts, remaining and living autonomous from the rest of its members. I as a Christian – as a human being - simply cannot remain independent of everybody. Or is that the one exception to the rule? Is Christ the only one we can be dependant upon and the rest of society is available for less dependant relationships?



(more to come...)

.: i am back :.

Well, my break from school is over! Allow me to thank the genius, whoever he or she is, that came up with the concept of "Reading Week". I appreciated a week to play catch up, as well as get some work done in advance... oh, and to go to (cold & windy) Eastern Washington for a couple days... and to speak at a Junior High Retreat. Yeah sir, it was a busy one. Buuuuut... back to the "norm" now.



Side note: I freaked out this morning because I hadn't set the clock in my room back an hour so I thought that I had really overslept, instead of the normal amount of oversleeping.



I just wanted to post a quick note and let you now that, although I cannot post it today, there is an article of sorts that I wrote which I will post in the next couple days. But I need to study and read like crazy (to the point that I have to skip Monday Night Football - horror of horrors!) so for now, this is the only glimpse you get into my world for today. Have a great November and don't forget to vote! (I had to say that last part since it has become so doggone popular now.)

.: prayer for the day :.

This is a prayer that has been upon my heart lately, as I have been wrestling with my inconsistency within my relationship with the Father. I am beginning to realize that I need the Spirit to do what I cannot do by myself (i.e., to make me more and more like Christ):



“Father God,



Thank you for another day of life! I accept it as a gift of grace that I do not deserve. But I confess that for me to be made in the image of Your Son today, I need for You to move in powerful ways within my heart and life. I know my own heart and how I constantly abandon the work of Your kingdom in order to build my own. But I confess even now that I want to do what is right, with all my heart and spirit. I know that even this prayer is not a simple solution, so I ask for the determination to make it the cry of my heart. I want to be faithful, but I know that each day stands as an opportunity to either towards or away from loving intimacy with You. So I ask for grace for this day alone, for tomorrow is not a promise given to me.



I ask, just for today, that You would allow me to remain focused on what You have intended for me, and change my longings so that I might yearn for You and Your work in my life. I need for the Holy Spirit to cause me to see everything else as trivial compared to the glory and grace that You have in store for me. I am surrounded by a world that continues to draw me away from You, but You, Father, have overcome the world. I pray that You might help me to overcome my own trials and temptations, but that I would also learn how You are using them to teach me. I thank you for the example of Jesus Christ, who lived among us, as one of us, and yet keep His heart from sin through fellowship with His Father. I ask that I might also have that same intimate fellowship with You, God, so that I can see You as the greatest love of my life. I thank you for Your immeasurable grace, which You pour out on me daily, even without my asking.



Your desire is for me to be made into the image of Christ – I ask that You might make that my deepest desire and that I would live in such a way as to participate with You in that sanctifying process. My earthly nature continues to pull me away from the things that I know are satisfying (everything that You are and do) and entertain me with lesser desires. But I ask, Father God, that you would move in and through my heart to cause me to see my identity as Your child, and the strength and grace to behave as such. Satisfy me in such a way that sin is seen for what it truly is. And I know that You desire all such things for me, and find joy when Your children share such desires with You.



In Your Name, I pray all these things… Amen.”

.: the space between - pt. 3 :.

I do not write such things so as to complicate the matter, but rather, to shed light on the reality of the nature of our relationships. So often, we find the common struggle – the reality that we repeatedly wrestle with at moments in our life – of trying so desperately to deal with the issue of where your friendships are at and where you long for them to be in light of what they even could be. In those friendships that we possess where we have reached the potential, we have the tendency to slip into a mode of ease. It is those very friendships that we applaud and value because they require little work. And in turn, they require little to no work because the effort and toil required to deepen them is so modest and minute that they quickly achieve their potential on the heels of a common experience (tragedy, trial, joy, etc.).



In the setting of those friendships where the person's “interests” are not divided, that is where we typically find the relentless struggle to deepen them, and if we fail to do so, we are forced to explain them through finding defect or incompetence on the part of either them or yourself. We have such a hard time dealing with those types of relationships because the same instances where we stand to gain so much is the exact same place where we stand to lose so much. And because we stand to lose so much, we struggle and wrestle and fidget and strive to get such relationships, work earnestly on such relationships, and hope in the deepest parts of our heart to never do anything to even remotely come close to ruining or losing them.



Those that say that love shouldn’t be such hard work are typically those whom have managed to wrestle with wisdom and clarity in the past. Oh, that we might all do that with more wisdom as we become fully human beings in the reality of the in-breaking Kingdom of God.

.: the space between - pt. 2 :.

Posting from Eastern WA...



The essence of what I am speaking to is the reality that there is a given potential in the nature of each and every friendship / relationship that we experience. There is the space between the “ground” of the beginning of that relationship and the height (better yet, depth) of what degree of intimacy and fellowship can be truly achieved in the sense of it being “perfect”. And for those friendships that we share with our “casual friends”, the possibility is tremendously limited, so we in turn have very little responsibility with regards to move into a more intimate level because there is not the perceived opportunity which is presented in those friendships that appear “unlimited”. What it would mean to love that person with whom you could only become good friends at best is far easier to deal with and experience in contrast to the person with whom you face having the “ability” (chance presented by circumstances) to potentially move into the most intimate of relationships (i.e., the marriage relationship).



(more to come...)

.: the space between - pt. 1 :.

(This is to be the first part of a three part post. It comes out of what most of my posts come out of - experience, feelings, and emotions, with God moving and speaking in and through all of it.)



We live and struggle and deeply desire in the space between what our friendships and relationships could be, and what they really are (less than what we had hoped for and still continue to hope for). Every relationship around us has a potential, and for those that have not experienced the probable width, breadth, and depth of any particular relationship, that person comes face-to-face with the question of what could be done to fix that, and even more, are they even capable of doing it.



So many of us have friendships that ultimately changed in the context of the other party either dating, romantically involved, engaged, or even married (the unchangeable, inevitable factor – one that has haunted each and everyone of us above 20 years old). And in those friendships, there was a limit to what we could experience with that person in the context of the given relationship. For in the end, they would one day say their vows to that third party and they would, in essence, commit themselves to a deeper friendship than anything that you two ever experienced in the past. So all along the path, up to the marriage, there is a progressing movement in their “engaging” (I intend the double meaning) relationship that moves beyond what mutually takes place between the casual, even close, friendship that you share together in.



It feels like such an offense because that perceived "intruder" is able to successfully move into the life of that person that you knew long before that point. In turn, they are able to experience and move up to and beyond what you shared as friends, and ultimately surpass you in an act of claiming the single position in their life that was formally left empty. And in the lives of those who do not possess the same quality of relationship with someone else (i.e., “single”), it is felt that much more of a violation of the heart.



(more to come...)

.: confusion as friend :.

In preparation for my sermon for "Preaching & Worship" class, I have been working through the passage of Isaiah 50:10-11 in the hopes of "wrestling with the text" in such a way that I can offer some explanation, encouragement, and exhortation (please note the three different points and the shared first letter for all the Baptist pastors in the crowd) to my listeners. One of the books that I have been reading for the sake of study has been Larry Crabb's "Connecting" (props to Mark Eaton for the recommendation) and all I can say is "WOW!" Here is one of the sections that spoke to me more as a maturing (yet failing) human being than as "Mr. Sermon Prep" guy;



"For those who enjoy discovery because they know a good God is moving through the chaos toward a wonderful conclusion, mystery poses no problem. It is welcomed. Explain what you can, and relax even when you can't. But for those ruled by a passion to explain, for those who insist on feeling confident in their own plans, mystery is offensive. They want to know exactly what they must do to provide for their economic future, to restore harmony in their relationships, to succeed in their career or ministry. Confusion is an enemy. Uncertainty is a challenge to overcome."



That hit me so hard because I so often see the times in my life when things seem so extremely quiet and lackluster, especially in my relationship with God, as being some sort of failure on my own part. And when God fails to let me in on what He is doing in my life, I either condemn Him as not caring about me, or simply not being in control at all. Chaos seems like the last thing that would have the fingerprints of God all over it... and yet it is in those times (what seems like day after day), God is most at work and most "alive" with passion, accomplishing something that is a masterpiece - grander than anything that I could ever do on my own feeble strength.



I am a creature who loves to be in control, and for me to have to surrender that control (what feels so strong in my hands at times, and yet so inadequate to manipulate what I would need to change to make my own will happen) to Christ feels like nothing short of insanity. Surrender control? I have spent so much time gathering it up, piece by piece... and you want me to surrender it to You, God? Why? What will You do with it? What will You choose to do with ME? I heard the illustration once from Eaton that as we attempt to hand God our list of plans and agendas for Him to sign in adherement, He rips it up and hands us back a blank sheet of paper for our own signature of agreement.



Faith is dark. Faith is mysterious. Faith is quiet when we need to hear what is going on, and speaks to us at some of the most inconvenient times. But if I read Crabb right, it is simply all a matter of perspective. And from my own experience, I know that he is right. For in those times when my heart has trusted God and been committed to whatever He wants to do in and through me, I am open to and inviting of mystery. But if something causes me to mistrust God on some subtle level, confusion is simply another cause for me to shake my fist in His face and hold on to my supposed regret of ever having given my life to Him in the first place. God is very real... and His heart is very loving... but beyond all doubt, His ways are sooo much higher than our own and our siding with Him out of love never promised us a life of full comprehension and insight into our future. Faith is a simple matter of walking with the Father in such a way that the moments and thoughts and words of each day stand for themselves and speak to the ongoing relationship that holds more value than any ability to control it for even a second.

.: not the end :.

Faith to me says that I am holding out on the hope that God will provide for me what I truly long for, in perfect ways that don’t draw me away from Him but only return me that much closer to His side. Faith speaks words from the core of who I am, words that say that the Father is the only one who could give me what I long for, and if I don’t get it from Him, I will never truly find it. Faith in this instance… at this moment… says that I fall upon God in the deepest of hopes, that what seems so true to me – that my life is a tragedy, that nothing truly has any purpose, that pain and suffering are the deepest themes of this life (the deepest that I could ever experience or hold onto), and that everyone will win and feel (experience) in all the areas that I have lost and felt nothing – is not the end of the story for me, but that He is doing something deeper and grander than I could ever hope for. What I see with my eyes and feel with my heart does not tell the full story, for life is bigger than that and a man does not see the whole picture in the first 30 years of his life.

.: muuuuusic :.

I want to be in the habit of offering you all some sweet sounds to listen to while you view the page, but have had problems with how to make it happen. BUT... the time has arrived and I want to present a song for the pleasure of your ears. It's only one song so don't go too crazy but do enjoy it! (I am listening to it for the 17th time as I post this song... it's that good!)



Joshua Radin - Winter

.: the nature of the urge :.

Whatever our perceived giftedness is, we truly cannot help but do that very thing. Whether it is writing, preaching, drawing, dancing - whatever! - we must do that very thing we have been gifted to do (notice that I did not say "born to do", for that one thing alone is relational in nature, as opposed to what I am speaking of)... the single thing that gives us the greatest sense of joy and speaks to our nature beyond anything we could falsely drum up or force ourselves to believe.



For, in my case, as a writer, I simply must write. I naturally allow myself to make the room necessary (today it meant foregoing studies for some time) to achieve my felt motivation - my God-given urge - and I passionately do it with the richest of emotions. I am drawn up into... I am carried away... I am driven and compelled... and I perform and create in a manner that feels so natural because it is at the core of my very nature - one that has been purposed and fashioned by God.



May all men and women discover those qualities of their nature... and may they have those people in their lives, those situations in their experience, that liberate them - that set them free - and literally give them permission to be what the Father has created them to be!



Amen... a thousand times over!

.: more on sarah :.

I found an article to further guide your thoughts about the video and lyrics that I posted earlier this week...



http://start.shaw.ca/Start/enCA/Entertainment/EntertainmentStory.htm?type=e&src=e101002A.xml

.: rain, rain, go away :.

For the past two days, I have been forced to labor away in various libraries all around the UBC campus. I have experienced things that would make lesser men cry like little babies (i.e., sooo much reading, typing, more reading, more typing, etc.) and all of it virtually on an empty stomach (it's amazing what you are willing to go through to keep from losing your chair in a crowded library). I have been trapped in first level floors of libraries that are fresh out of the scenes of a horror film... and I have been stuck in the corner of the sixth floor (that's right... some libraries actually have more than two floors!) of a library with an incredible view, only my corner has no window. But the worst of it all has been my having to trudge through the rain for the whole 48 hours. And never have I realized as much as I do now what a dangerous combo rain and leaves make (many subtle attempts to keep from falling on my backside). RAIN... YUCK!!!



In honor of the recent cruddy weather up here in Vancouver, I am giving away for absolutely no charge two new photos that I took from my session last week with Mark. Use them as backgrounds for your computer... images for your MSN Messenger... postcards to send to your grandma... whatever you want.



BAKERVIEW 1.JPG



BAKERVIEW 2.JPG

.: closure and hope :.

Last night in my film class, we watched Fritz Lang's 1931 black and white film "M" as an example of pre-film noir. The premise of the film is the presense and capture of a psychopathic child murderer (quite a subject to deal with back then, as it would be even today). The film is in German (it was actual the first large talking film in Germany) with English subtitles. The version that we watched was somewhat grainy, but there is supposedly a remake on the near horizon.



The reason that I bring up this film is because of the ambiguity of the ending. This, like many other popular films, leaves the conclusion up to the audience's imagination. Now I don't mind this when the plot concludes with the man and woman finally discovering each other in love, or even when the hero dies for the sake of something greater than us all. I don't mind at that point being left to fill in the lines and envision life after the story. But in this case, not knowing if the criminal got what he truly deserved for his heinous crimes, I was left with a space in my heart that demanded that I know that he was rightly punished (i.e., a life for a life). Otherwise, in my limited understanding of how to truly critic a film, this one would be considered incomplete to say the least.



I love happy endings! I love where things just simply work out! Don't get me wrong - I want incredible tension... I want the grandest of risks... I want improbable odds. But in the end, I want to see a movie where everything is brought together, and I am offered incredible hope and closure that speaks of the life that I was meant to live (life before the Fall). To not be given that leaves me with a sense that I have just been cheated by the director and film crew.



A friend of mine commented to the fact that he loved the ambiguity of Lang's film because that is the way that life really is. Life is messy. Life is unfair. Life is brief to those whose lives seem noble and kind to the cruelest of men. And THAT is why he liked it? Because it showed life as it truly is? That is precisely why I HATE films like that. Because I love movies for their ability to speak of life as we do NOT know it. I love movies because they speak to my own story (i.e., life as I experience it) and they tell me, "There is something greater out there, Dave! You were built for glory and beauty and the richest of loves!". For a movie to simply remind me of the beautiful letdown that this world has turned out to be is for it to do nothing other than further the demoralizing nature and agenda of our culture and our world.



I want a movie to call me out of myself, to lift my spirits, and cast a vision that I can seek for - one bigger than the ones that I so often am okay with settling for. Movies are made to draw me "further up and further in" (to quote Lewis), to call me back to the Kingdom that I would gladly lay my life down for (especially on the heels of watching a strong film), and to offer hope. To simply remind me of the brutish nature of life is to leave me with little more than despair and discouragement.

.: inspired by an artist :.

I happened upon a video yesterday that really made me consider once again my involvement with missions. Sarah McLachlan has a new video for her song "World on Fire" in which she does an incredibly creative twist on the typical music video coming out of Hollywood and the like nowadays. It was insightful and mindbending to see some of the stats and figures that she presents her viewer with. My roomie, who worked in the financial ends of the television industry, agreed with many of the figures, and even said that some were actually more than presented in the video. I hope that this video has as huge of an impact upon you as it did upon me! (This video requires iTunes, so you may need to search for it elsewhere if you are not currently running that program. In case you are interested in the lyrics, I have included a link for such.)



VIDEO

LYRICS

.: morning revelation :.

I had an incredible revelation this morning at 5:30am. I am who I am based upon the things that I see as being more or less valuable. For instance, if I see friendships as being truly valuable, than I will do everything within my power to surround myself with friends. This in turn makes the public statement to everyone around me (including those involved) that Dave values friendships. This takes on a twist in the sense that if that thing or situation is widely recognized (or at least by those whom I see as being valuable) as an object worthy of high value, than I am able to use that thing or situation to make a value statement about myself. Did you catch that? I can use things, situations, and even people (!), to control what others think about me. Not only that but I can use them to ultimately convince myself of anything that I want to believe about myself... even if it really isn't true.



The step beyond this first thought is the reality that we live with the consequences of the things that we see as being most valuable. If we continue with the "friends" illustration, the consequences can be anything from having little time for other things (because you are caught up in making and keeping friends, which needless to say can be very time consuming) to always having someone to talk to (depending upon how deep you allow your friendships to go - too many deep ones can really impact your time and space). The impact can be either positive or negative, but we live in the context of a collage of results from our values. The things that we value dictate life as we know it, or at least as we experience it (obviously those two factors share a relationship). If television holds a higher value (most likely with regards to a value of entertainment) than, say, exercise or a healthy lifestyle, the results are seen daily in the mirror. If comfort and rest holds a higher value than good grades, you will tend to sleep in rather than exert yourself for a letter grade better than what you are currently earning.



I don't need to draw the lines for you in order to relate this to our relationship with God. If we value time and intimacy with the Father, the things that we value less will remain less of a priority, receiving less of our time and attention, and ultimately our passion and devotion. If we value it, we will make room for it. We do it every day with things that, if push came to shove (I love that phrase), we would have to agree are less important than fellowship with God and others. Our values play a deep role within our lives. They determine our needs, they dictate how we go about pursuing them (even to what degree of passion and determination that we choose to pursue them with), and they speak to our very nature as it is being fostered and made more like Christ.



The next step is up to every one of us; that is to truly determine what our values are. Some remain pretty out in the open for all to see (often more than we would want others to realize about us), but some values will only be discovered by truly listening to our hearts, and considering the conduct of our lives... with no excuses. We do everything we do for a reason - plain and simple. What that reason is is hardwired to your values... hardwired to your desires.



Father, what do I value the most?

.: a new found pleasure :.

Having been inspired by our friend, Jason Nelson, my good buddy Mark and I left church this morning and ran out into the countryside with our digital cameras on the prowl for some beautiful images to captured. We ran up Little Mountain (which unfortunately was closed), drove around the backside to Big Lake, continued on over to Highway 9, proceeded up Francis Road all the way over and around to Bakerview Park, and finally concluded our time back at the church and my parent's house. We got some gorgeous snapshots, thanks to the nice weather and some creativity. And like any great hunter would do, I have included one of my finer catches of the day as a means of bragging for my realized skills. (Hopefully in the near future, I will be able to share more photos for your viewing pleasure.)



TREE WITH BLUE SKY.JPG

.: if you want me to :.

(This song speaks my heart of right now...)



"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to



Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will go through the fire if You want me to



It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone



So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to"

- Ginny Owens

.: a movie script ending :.

I often get the same odd feeling right after I have had a great conversation with some friends, or after I have preached or taught at a youth group or in church, or even after I have gotten off the phone with someone whom I have been meaning to talk to for some time. The feeling is one of a strong sense that those words will be my very last... that I am in fact going to die some sort of tragic death and that those words - that moment in time when I truly connected with the heart of another individual or group of people (and vice versa) - will be my last. That moment, those words, those particular themes of conversation, will echo into the future whenever people think back on the life of Dave McAllister.



I had that feeling last Saturday after having lunch with some friends, and I was strangley okay with my impending death. A car accident... a sudden heart attack... something goes wrong and I don't survive... and that lunch was my last moment on this earth. That part of my heart and mind brings some of the deepest feelings into the frontal lob of my brain in such a way that I don't know whether to laugh out of "what a ride it has been", or to cry because I could have done so much more.



I recently heard of the scene in which someone was asked of what they would do with the next 20 years they had been given because of their heart operation, and that brought me back to this theme in my life - "living a life that will be remembered". A speaker recently reminded his listeners that all secrets will one day come to surface. No event or action or moment in time, no matter how dark or isolated, will not one day be revealed and exposed. And what will it be for you and I that everyone will see and have to reckon with in the face of who they thought us to be? I have secrets, as do you. Will they shatter the message that I wanted to leave with my life? Will they tarnish the example that I would hope to leave?



I am not trying to be deep... I am only expressing the given centerpoint of my thoughts and desires as of ten minutes ago. I am being faced with the fact that I too will one day perish, and with my one life, I want to go in a way that shakes the norm and rattles quiet motionless lives. But if a simple death is in my future, I guess that will have to do, for ultimately I am called to trust in a God who controls my end as He originated my beginning. Such things certainly impact a lunch appointment at Red Robin or the like, for my words are made memories in the lives of those who speak and hear them.

.: a much needed calling out :.

It’s time to start thinking of how we might begin to bring ourselves back to an appropriate balance.



As a member of Regent College, a seminary (though the leadership regards it as an “un-seminary”) on the UBC campus of Vancouver, British Columbia, I find myself in a bracket of the religious faith that has come under attack from many pulpits, stages, services, through various pastors, leaders, people who have a point to prove (be it right or wrong). And I will be open with my own issues, simply by saying that I too have led in the decrying and criticizing of religious schools of training for the sake of uplifting the "untrained". In a time when we have shifted the weight within the Christian community (i.e., the Church) in which the “professionally trained” (I say that with the intended cynicism) come under criticism – even disapproval - and the people who fill the pews every Sunday are lifted up as the new highlighted leaders, I have come to a point where I feel we need to regain a true sense of balance within our view of what type of leadership is proper for our times.



Let me say it in simpler terms; seminaries and Bible colleges are not the enemy of the organized Christian faith! In some of the “loudest” sermons (maybe not the ones who spoke the clearest, but certainly the most vocal) throughout our community of faith, we have for some time glorified the art of staying out of religious schools of any type. I have on more than one occasion been suddenly placed in the group that is highlighted as the “modern day Pharisees” simply because of the place that I am a part of. I will say it again… it’s time for us to initiate the search for an accurate balance of all segments of Christian leadership and supporters! I find it hard to believe that in our recent deepening as a community, during a time in which we are finally beginning to break through and actually live as the “priesthood of all believers” (1 Peter 2:9) that we truly are (i.e., that the pastor and lay person equally participate in work of the ministry), that we have chose to flip our view of subjection and parade the common man at the “contemporarily accepted” condemnation of those involved in religious training. Oh, we have said it plenty of times, especially those of us who experienced anything inappropriate in the context of a Christian college. But we need to address this as of yesterday – beginning from the day that we moved from one wrong view to another – and honor all levels of training.



From discipleship groups to home churches to seminaries throughout the world, we need to see that all groups of preparation and education (certified or not) can have certain elements that truly are disservices to our faith community, as we continue to search for what it means to find authenticity as believers and churches. But we cannot… we must no longer… belittle and discredit seminaries, Bible colleges, and other similar schools, simply because certain factions of such take points of doctrine and/or practice to extreme legalistic, unbiblical degrees. All parties involved play an important role in the work of the Kingdom. And for those who have been made to feel regarded as the inferior subjects of those with “religious” degrees, let me speak for those who agree with my angle of thinking that I truly am sorry for such religious bigotry. Never have any of us had any God-given grounds to hold ourselves above you for any reason, especially for religious training (tools that we have been given to edify the Body). But we cannot continue to spread such prejudiced type of rhetoric by accusing those in training of systematizing our faith any more than we can accuse laymen of caring too little about the faith (misconstrued from our biasedly seeing it as their “simple knowledge” and personal choice to not “learn the language”).



We need men and women from all parts, with all degrees and levels of schooling, for God has called us each to different fields, having prepared us in different ways. We cannot make religious schooling the enemy in our search for genuine faith in Christ and desire to live in out in real ways. We are under the age of grace – let us extend it to our students and graduates of like faith!

.: friday mourning :.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that I would love to stay in bed but I have sooo much work to do. So I crawled out, did my usual routine, and then attempted to read a little. And then, from out of nowhere, the gods of sneezing slammed down upon me! I don't think I have gone from feeling good to feeling stuffed up and sick in such a small time (about 5 minutes). But I think a dose of iTunes Radio (AfterhoursDJs.org) and raspberry yogurt on eggos has helped rescue me out of the funk.



Question for the morning: "What 3 movies have most affected you, shocked you, impacted you, or instituted a change in your life?" (Post your comments...)

.: scrubbin the blog :.

As I settle into the life of being a blog owner, I took the time to give mine a cleaning. I kinda got sick of all the long list of links (who really cares about Rotten Tomatoes anyways?) so I cleaned 'er up and made 'er a little easier to work with. My favorite new feature is "What's in My CD Player?", being a big fan of the audio arts. I will try and keep it up-to-date as best as I can so that I can offer everyone who reads this blog some new things to paruse. Let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who reads this site on a common basis. I really would love for this to be a place where we can share in something personal, challenging, and amusingly entertaining. It begins with what I choose to offer, but in turn, please accept this as an invitation to interact and offer what makes you who YOU are!

.: a leaning towards center :.

It seems the littlest things make me miss home lately. A small beagle with a raincoat on... a movie poster by the door to the tiniest theater... children at soccer practice in a field that I drive by... even the tempature of the evening air can draw my mind back home. And it's not even the sort of draw back home that I used to feel last term at Regent. It's just the calm reminder - even so much as a play to my memories and yearnings - that this place is not forever. This place is not even for the majority of my span on earth. Nor is my abode a hundred miles south of here. And that's the crazy thing, that I am starting to discover that when my heart warms over at the sight of something random, yet strangely familiar, it's not speaking to my wanting to be back in Mount Vernon as much as it speaks to my longing to finally be "home". A place of invitation... a place of stories and laughable memories... a place of friends and family... a place of calm amidst the history of storms... a place where I belong and have importance and a role to play in both action and silence.







"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden, even though you have some place where you can put your stuff, that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out, it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." - G.S.

.: a man much like myself :.

I can hear the words now... "Not you too, Moses! I have come to expect that sort of disobedience from the Israelites... but not from you!". As I have been working my way through the Pentateuch in one weekend, there have been several themes that have been central to the biblical narrative - one of the primary ones being the people of Israel's tendancy to moan and groan and whine about every little thing - but the strongest theme that resonated with me was Moses' place in the whole situation (that of God's movement within the people of Israel, whom were to be HIS people). This is a man who dragged his feet from the beginning (Exodus 4:10), taking every opportunity to make it clear to God that he didn't feel that his being used by Him was such a good idea. But as you continue reading, he chooses to intentionally keep himself at the center of what God was wanting to do with him. All throughout the following chapters and books (Exodus through Numbers), Moses chooses humility as the foundation of his leading the people during the forty years in the desert, even when he could have brag because of his position as God's "man". Numbers 12:3 even gives us the blurb that "Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth". The opening Old Testament books constantly speak of a leader who understood his place before God, he knew his history and where he had come from, and he chose to be used in the fashion of God's plan rather than his own... until you read Numbers 20. It is here that Moses stumbles, and he stumbles in a pretty big way. I don't know if it was out of simple foolish frustration. I don't know if he was absent minded and simply forgot God's instructions. I don't know if he had some hidden agenda and was announcing his intentions to God to "take over from there". But in direct disobedience, Moses chose to take matters into his own hands, and rather than speaking to the rock and prodcuing water for the people, he struck it with his staff... and cost himself the greatest price that he could have paid at that point (the Promised Land). The language of the chapter implies that Moses shared some of what God must have held for the Israelites; frustration with their disobedience and grumbling, and just the general desire that they would "get it". But because Moses moved and behaved as he did, God reacted in like fashion as he had with the people of Israel and hit Moses where it would speak the loudest. And I say it with Him: "Not you too, Moses! You were the man of God... you were His voice in the wilderness for His people... you were doing so good! Why let your guard down now and react in the wrong way? Why disobey in the place and position that God placed you?" I want to end with some dissonance, and not offer a cleaned-up tidy phrase of how we must obey God, because at this point in the issue, I share two feelings. Number one, Moses was wrong because he didn't follow through on what God wanted. And number two, God feels mean that this point because despite the number of times Moses had done things right, He hit Moses pretty hard for such a simple mistake. This passage means more to me as a leader because it emphases the responsibility of my role as the same sort of "man used by God". For the rest of the people to grumble and drag their heels, God chooses to pour out grace and "put up" with their sinful attitudes... but as a pastor, teacher, and leader, God expects more out of me. My obedience is simply that much more necessary. And my disobedience may cost me dearly, despite other people's receiving of grace for years and years of sin. Even if it feels like God is overreacting in His response.

.: educated fools, we are :.

The topic of last night’s deepest conversation (between Mac – my roommate – and I) was the nature of our responsibility before God for what we have received with regards to seminary education. It began with our wrestling with what we are to do with the uneducated man in the middle of nowhere, who knows nothing of exposition, knows nothing of biblical exegesis, knows nothing of right translations and Greek paradigms and systematic theology… and yet has a simple love for Christ as his Savior and Lord. Our ultimate conclusion was that it was a matter of stewardship before God with what we have been given – the man with his simple love for Christ, who chose to not go beyond the simplicity of “Jesus Loves Me, This I Know” (not to imply that such makes him my lesser on any regard before God’s grace)… and my relationship with God, which includes both simple faith (I pray I might never truly grow beyond that!) and graduate level training for the ministry (providing richer knowledge, which brings with it greater responsibility). If push came to shove, the two dominant images of the New Testament for exemplary faith (if I can call it that) are a “child” and a “fool”. When Christ illustrates for His followers and on-lookers who is the greatest in terms of the Kingdom of Heaven, He highlights not a teacher of the law (the modern day pastor or priest) but an innocent, unsophisticated, often naïve child (Matthew 18:1-5). And in 1 Corinthians, as Paul is working through how our wisdom plays a part of our faith in God, he calls our trust in God foolishness in the eyes of the world (1 Corinthians 3:19, 4:10). He doesn’t parade how our faith is the thing that “makes the most sense”, or is the most provable (both being claims that we hear nowadays), but he calls it plain foolishness in the context of the various ideologies of this world that so many lost souls are holding onto. Wanna become a Christian? Become like a simple child…and be willing to be seen as a fool. Christ even prays at one point the reality, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children” (Matthew 11:25). But beyond all this, it blows my mind to live in the reality that God is walking on different paths with various believers, all the way from British Columbia to Kenya to Ireland to islands and habitats yet to be discovered. Which in turn means that my own faith is not the standard by which my fellow brothers and sisters are measured, for the simple fact that our divine relationships are on a personal level in which God is working in different ways. So who is to say where one ought to be outside of overall growth (no matter at what rate, for this too is a personal issue)? These issues boil down to one element: that of simple faith in God to provide salvation on our behalf through the work of Christ – apart from any of my own works. Nothing I will ever receive with regards to a theological education will do anything less than foster greater responsibility before God for what I have done with what I have been given (ex. “The Parable of the Buried Talents”, Matthew 25:14-30). So be it… we shall become like children, we shall be seen as fools…and in such, we shall honor Christ for our faith will stand upon His work rather than our own.

.: li'l brudder :.

In honor of the chick I met this morning on the bus because of my Strong Sad shirt, I want to present you with the best Strong Bad email... in my humble opinion... in the world! I wet myself watching this over and over again - it really is that funny! And for all you guys, you might wanna ask all the ladies to leave the room. Click below and let the healing begin!

.: the great white north :.

I am officially moved back to my motherland of Canada. My new place is suprisingly close to my old one, which is kinda nice. My roommate and I are enjoying our day off before classes begin tomorrow... but with the weather being rain followed by more rain, we are reduced to watching Simpsons and listening to U2... and checking my email about a dozen times. I have a bunch of things to get done, one of which was update my good ole blog, so for now all I can say is that it's good to be back up here. I am looking forward to catching up with old friends, and hopefully making some new ones. This Fall quarter seems to be shaping up to be a good one, but obviously tons of work. May my time up here be a rich one, focused on preparing my heart and mind for the directions that the Father has for me following graduation!

.: the gift that keeps on giving :.

I found a great article off the Method X website about the gift of singleness. I have enclosed the actual article and site link, so give 'er a read and maybe post some of your own benefits of "flying solo". I especially appreciate #12... AMEN!

********************************************************************************************

Being Single ... A Gift???

By Rie Rainer



Being single is not for the faint of heart. There are periods of loneliness and fear, constant questions about when you'll settle down, pressure from family and friends to bring forth grandchildren, and sympathetic looks from married people who believe you are missing out on something. Not to mention the blind dates and having to go alone to parties and weddings. If you're single, you can probably add your own frustrations to this list.



However, incredible experiences of growth and joy can also occur because you're single. For example, when you aren't in a committed relationship, you can focus more fully on knowing God and understanding yourself. Have you considered the gifts of being single? Below are 25 suggestions. Let them stimulate your thinking about other positives of singleness. Then, the next time you are feeling sad and lonely about not being in a relationship, pull out your list and be thankful.



1. Sleeping spread-eagle in the middle of the bed

2. Cap'n Crunch for dinner

3. Singing as loud as you want in the shower

4. Total control of the television remote

5. No need to shower or brush your teeth on Saturdays

6. Spur-of-the-moment vacation trips

7. Need some quiet time? No problem!

8. A loaf of bread lasts all week

9. When the phone rings, you can almost guarantee it's for you

10. More devotional time

11. Nobody laughs when you walk around the house naked

12. Leaving the house without someone asking you where you're going

13. Turning up the music really loud whenever you feel like it

14. Always enough hot water for a shower

15. Hearing a voice speaking to you, and knowing there's a good chance it's either God or you're crazy

16. Eating ice cream from the container

17. More time for sports and exercising

18. Your pets give you all their love

19. Sleeping in on the weekends

20. Meeting new people to date

21. Always having time for friends

22. Sleeping on the couch does not mean you're in trouble

23. No need to dirty a cup when you want some milk

24. No compromising when decorating the house

25. Learning that only you can make yourself happy



http://www.methodx.net/articles/columns.asp?act=showitem&item_id=198341

.: musing recollection :.

This is my last week here in Mount Vernon, what with seminary starting back up next Monday. I am extremely excited for this Fall quarter because I have a sweet place (which I finally got to see yesterday and was blown away) and only have classes on two days (which might become only one day if I drop my fourth class). I cannot believe how fast this summer has gone. Allow me to recollect of my adventures and journeys during the summer of 2004. Traveled to Kauai with my family (minus my sister). Went and saw my best friend in Gresham, Oregon a couple times. Lost my friend Mark to Japan for four excruciating months. Dropped my brother off at college in Southern California. Had the opportunity to be involved in two different small groups – one with three High School guys, and one with several college aged guys. Was in a wedding for my crabbing buddy Ryan. Taught High School Sunday School for a couple months. House-sat a couple times for school money. Went crabbing and clamming a couple times. Attempted to give up caffeine and red meat. Moved from our old house to my parent’s new one. Taught myself to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. Preached at the church this past weekend. Saw way too many movies. Went out to eat way too many times (for a school bound / money needing guy). And watched as God allowed me to sit and simmer in mystery and exposure, both of which seem to indicate will follow me to school next week. I cannot believe that I arrived in April with tons of free time on my hands, only to wake up this morning to the reality that a transition is around the bend. I have felt soulless at times this summer, in such a way that I am moving too fast and experience far too many things that I feel like things happen to me externally, but they are far from impacting my heart. And at the same time, I have seen elements of my heart in such a way that I have experienced liberation on a level beyond what is common. Old issues have deepened their roots in ways, new issues have been fodder for challenge and victory. Growth has been at a deeper degree than the past, and yet I have really felt surround with what is “old hat”. Successes and failures – I cannot struggle with the apathy and misused strength of these months. I can only look ahead to the future with the greatest of hopes that I will plant my feet on firmer ground next year, with the desire for richer faith at the center of less sight. And maybe, just maybe, that is what this summer was all about.

.: our martin luthers :.

Who are the men and women of our Christian times that we speak of in our messages? I ask that question for the simple fact that the theologians of the past are utterly useless in the context of young men and women who have not been raised with any telling of who they are. Who are our “Martin Luthers”? Where are our “Dietrich Bonhoeffers”? The most familiar name that we can connect with as a generation is C.S. Lewis, who is a great figure but certainly not the sole contributor of his times. Who are the people playing a part as the shapers of our modern theology nowadays? Who are the figures that we can quote in our messages and look to as the key figures of our church and sacred culture, as well as bleeding into secular culture? I mean, who are the “Francis Schaeffers” of our times that are leading us into cherishing Christ and lovingly confronting and graciously embracing our culture for the sake of encouragement and impact? I know that there are real answers, men and women that are in fact at the center point of these crucial roles, figures carving out various paths and testing (and retesting) the intellectual waters so as to sharpen our minds and gird our hearts unto Christ. But who are they? And even more importantly, who are they for you? I have my list, but I want to open up opportunity for discussion on this simple thought: I cannot quote anyone beyond the 1970’s in my messages and sermons because of the fact that there is not a familiarity for names of persons older than that… which is tremendously sad because of the fact that our history lies way beyond the past 30+ years. Any thoughts?

.: those with ears to hear :.

The secret of the Gospel comes as a radical invasion into the lives of those with ears to hear. Whenever you see Jesus running into those who “had it all together” spiritually, we often see him addressing their skepticism and confronting their hardheartedness. But with those who came with their defenses down, empty and ready to receive, we see Jesus speaking the truths of the Good News to them in powerful and passionate ways. The reason my heart is pondering this theme is simply because that as a man who has been given the gift of teaching, my deepest desire is that my words would have an impact upon my listeners. All pride admitted, I confess and realize that it is the Holy Spirit who uses my words as He sees fit (i.e., to convict, to encourage, to admonish, etc.). But as I consider what it means for me to stand behind that pulpit, I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I am mostly there to speak for the sake of those who truly have ears to hear. For those who hear the message and aren’t ready to receive the heart of the message, for them it is one more step in the process of the hardening of their hearts. It’s one more step in confirming their selfish suspicions. It’s one more step in reinforcing their decisions to live a certain way. It’s one more step in establishing their behavior of “ungrace” towards all those around them. My heart is for all to hear the truth – not just as I see it, but in it’s objective reality – and for the Spirit to use it to set them free. May God use those whom He chooses to accomplish His work of love and grace!

.: endings and beginnings :.

This blog is all about things that are heavy on my heart. Tonight the main echoes that I hear are ones of grieving and rejoicing for various endings and beginnings all around me. My friend Mark is coming back from Japan - a glorious beginning. My friend Drew leaves for DigiPen this week - a dreary ending. I leave for Regent in a little over two weeks - an anticipated beginning. I leave Mount Vernon in a little over two weeks - a somber ending. The sun has disappeared for gloomy rain - a sad beginning. Tomorrow is one of my last times at EBC for a while - a curious ending. Starts and finishes, introductions and conclusions... and this weekend is reminding me that this page of my life is drawing to a close and the curtains are beginning to draw together. So in my heart, I feel a joy and sadness which are powerfully mixed and intertwined right now. May the Father continue His unending faithfulness!

.: theology is practical :.

In anticipation of next week’s sermon by yours truly (please be praying for me for such), I spent this morning reading through the book of Romans. What an incredibly powerful book, one that speaks of our salvation through grace, provided by Christ as a loving sacrifice on behalf of us who are completely undeserving. The power of the book comes out to me as you break into chapter twelve, beginning with, “Therefore (because of the entire foundation of God’s redemptive work)… I urge you to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God”. That because of all that God has accomplished, we are called to “hate what is evil… cling to what is good”. The conclusive four chapters are so incredible because they center upon one element: unconditional love. Not an opposing system of good works… but selfless love. Not a rigid religion to dutifully commit oneself to… but gracious, God-honoring love. That is what the Gospel boils down to. Love. There is something in my heart that breaks down and rejoices from the center of who I am… because I am an undeserving recipient of God’s redemptive grace. One of the greatest things that I have learned from Regent College is the statement, “theology is practical”. For someone to possess an exhaustive knowledge of the doctrinal foundations of God and His movement throughout creation, but to not be moved to any sort of response (even at the least, worship) is a sacred tragedy. “In view of God’s mercy”, we are drawn to respond with love and grace, the same that was accomplished perfectly by our Savior and Lord. All that to simply say… Romans moved my heart today – I pray that it might have the same effect upon you as a reader and believer!

.: computers are fallible :.

I have been kicked off my blog for the past couple days - that's why there have been no new posts! Sorry.. but for now, I must catch my beauty sleep. But there will be more to come as I regain my energy.