.: moments over a meal :.

I had the chance to hang with some friends from Mount Hermon tonight. Just in the matter of time that it took to show up, get seated, order, eat, pay and leave, we all had a refreshing time of feeling like we were back there... if only for a couple hours. Our lives have continued. Things have changed - some drastic and some expected. But we all really found ourselves encouraged in our brief meal together. For isn't that what some of our great moments in life consist of? A time in which we mentally and emotionally place ourselves back in those even greater moments of any given history, and recall what it was like to have life as we have been hoping for some time? Yes, we need these deep breaths of restoration to continue on in the journey... to keep on "keeping on".

.: it was a beautiful day :.

Last night, I went to what may turn out to be the greatest rock concert of my whole life! Thanks to my best friend, I had the chance to go see U2 at a sold-out show in Portland, Oregon. Words cannot even begin to express how powerful the concert was. It was at times very moving to see Bono perform so many of his classics, as well as blow us all away with stuff off their new album. They have a way of putting on an emtionally charged performance, with lights and sound and energy that made everyone just soak it all in as best they could. I felt like hearing "Origin of the Species", "One", and their opening song, "City of Blinding Lights", made it all worth the money, worth standing outside in the rain, worth risking life and limb to make it through the ice storm that was only visiting the area for that night, and worth having a cold to go with all my wonderful memories. And as my kids begin to question me of my own exposure to the rock legends of my day, I can proudly tell them of the day their old man went and saw U2... live in concert!

.: love concluded continued :.

The rumors confirmed
Never has a whisper hurt so much
An absolutely crushing blow
Though I took it all in stride
Words of affirmation
But my heart has heard clearly
Myself to blame
A heart that made up it's mind
Beauty captured
And lost
A sound defeat
Coming from a friend
I tried with some strength
But never committed to the thought
Sighs in the deepest of depths
I had thought this one possibly
Thoughts still linger
My heart was maybe always there
But fearful and hesitant all together
To see them there
Intertwined as I had hoped for
Maybe I care for her
More than I can take
More than I care to find out
I was praying
In the hopes that He would come through
Now I stratch together
Reasons to doubt
Was He ever for me?
Must every hopeful dawning
Be reduced to shadows and storms
Her touch is captured in my mind
For me to play over in days to come
Would I take it all back?
Play it different down the road?
Maybe it took such loss to answer my hope
Or to silence the prospect of moving further
Beautiful as it may be
My dreams almost seem
As if to be the deepest that I ever could touch
Myself to blame
No doubt from here on out
The choice falls upon me
It will have to come from my very core
The secrets only deepen
And my heart withdraws
With sincerity and approval
For it seems like what I hoped for all along.

.: grand and insignificant :.

I am going to let you in on a little secret. It's something that we all know, but very few of us live in light of. Everyone all around you is a fraud. Everyone! Everyone you know and experience throughout a day is a fake, one person after another. Everyone is compensating and everyone has compromised in some form or way. Everyone is pretending... and not one of us has the courage to admit it. We live in a world that believes that grandiose knowledge or unusual ability makes them greater than everyone else. And because we have been living according to that faulty standard, we have all been drawing direction for our lives from this one grand lie.

There exists this sense that a few have some sort of greater advantage over everyone else... but the truth remains that we are all equal. And everywhere you look, there is a people who are terrified of convincing themselves of their ok-ness, of even their uniqueness, and their equality with everyone else (partially because they don't believe it, and partially because those who supposedly have the advantage wouldn't have them to realize it). The reality exists that so very few of us truly knows ourselves, so the result is one great universal compensation, paired with the deepest desire to never let anyone else find out that they too are living according to the fundamental secret.

It's not just like some of us are cowering. All of us are entrenched in some sort of fear - it's just that some of us hide it far better than everyone else. All of us mask and dismiss some of the most beautiful parts of our strength - it's just that some camouflage their acts of dismissal and masking with better success than others. All of us are walking with some sort of limp, all of us are cowering in terms of some dynamic of our life, and all of us are stooping to compensate for something that we desperately feel that we lack. We are a people that clings to any advantage we might have over another individual, as if it promised life itself (believe me, I know how some of these moments feel closer to that reality than others).

The greatest awakening comes as we realize that wisdom is simply a comparative term, for all of us is wiser with regards to something in contrast to another individual. We must come to the deepest sense of everyone's fallenness and depravity, even at this stage in the story of history and eternity. All are turned in on themselves, which in turn makes us all co-equals before the Father. No one can boast of being in some sort of unique position, nor can they claim that they possess a unique perspective on anything, for all territories of existence have been found, explored, mapped, mined, and plundered. And though so very few of us will ever fully enter into this reality (myself included), there is nothing that requires that we continue to nurture a conscience that holds us back. In the end, there is really no reason to allow fear and reservation to temper our vision, passion, or advancing in what we have been called to.

If we can at all find a way to, we desperately need to find that rewiring in us, and sever it with a spirit that is nothing short of ruthless. And the only way that we will ever know that we have succeeded in this is that we will be liberated from giving a rip what another person thinks about us, for all that anyone might say is intrinsically tainted by personal preference and perspective. Who is anyone to tell us what matters most, for everyone is proven biased, confused at best, compensating in ways beyond even their own understanding, and bloated beyond measure.

I, for one, could use a nice long break from living according to this lie!

.: no longer the last word :.

I just saw him not a couple weeks ago at Thanksgiving. I remember seeing him sit on the couch and take in the power of having his family all around him. And I even can still hear the words I prayed right before the meal, thanking God for having all of our family with us for one more year. But the news came last night... he had finally passed away. And yes, we can rejoice in the fact that he is now with both his Savior, as well as his wife whom he lost over a year ago. But there is still something that lingers in every one of our spirits as Christmas Eve rolls closer (the subsequent time that we would have gotten to be with him) that speaks to the deep sadness at his absense. No more of his touch... no more of his voice... no more of his tender and deeply compassionate spirit. He has gone home... which almost promises that this Christmas, as recent others have been in the midst of similar losses, will not be the way it once was. When time was golden... when family was all around... when colors were more vivid... and people laughed more, as if because there was less to break our spirits back then. Those sights and sounds seem so close that I could touch them if only I leaned just a little bit further in my memories. A time in which we knew nothing of death and loss and mourning - only life and joy and love and peace. The world is not what it used to be, and in the loss of our friend and family member, we sigh even deeper because its brokenness is quickly becoming a more vivid reality. But praise God, the grave no longer has the final word over a person's life! Praise God, the Father has done what was needed to restore relationship. And we of all people can celebrate because he who was once hurting has, of all things, been healed through the grave. The final word is now life... and peace... and the call to finally come home.

Rest in peace, Ray... We both grieve and rejoice at your homegoing.

.: this whole time :.

I have been longing for sweet success this whole time... I don't think so anymore. I have been waiting for my time to arrive... I don't care if it passes me by any longer. I have been hoping that my name would mean something... it wouldn't be so bad if I faded into an oblivion. I have been praying that I would explode onto the scene... I wouldn't mind if I catch no one's eye from here on out.

Have I given up? I doubt it. Have I seen the fraility of it all? Most definately. This whole time I have been following others down the path, looking for what so few find... only to discover that it could potentially cost me everything that I hold dear. The light that I have been searching for this whole time seems to be a bit brighter than I anticipated... to the point that I am discovering how it blinds some of the best of us. And the people are finally listening... but now the question surfaces: what do I really have to share?

What do I really want to share?

The enemy has a powerful way of encouraging me towards celebrity with some of the godliest decoration around. But at a moment when I stand to finally possess it, I am tired and worn out and carefree... at least from the things that I have been caring about for longer than I first realized. And at the end of the day, what has been accomplished? Anything greater than my own kingdom? Is it really as I see it? Have we been using the name of Christ to create our own space and time and history? It saddens me to see it over and over again - how much worse as I begin to survey the potential shame in my own life.

There was a time when I thought there was something to be made of what I am good at. Now I see that I am not the first one to risk making a mess of everything for the sake of finding "just a bit more". None of us can reasonably claim that we are beyond it all. Not one of us can think ourselves high enough - or even low enough - to escape bringing on ourselves the results of what we have secretively set as one of our noblest goals. And amidst all our claims that we want everything that He has to offer, we wake to learn that we simply wanted to blaze our own path... and possibly use what He gives us to go after even more.

I certainly am not above such things, and were it not for the Father's grace, I would most surely have some of my worst fears come true. But I am finding out that I am at a point where I am not convinced that that would not be quite possibly the greatest thing that I could hope for. Are we to shipwreck ourselves in the hopes of getting beyond what hangs over our heads? I don't know anymore. There will always be a way to spin the things that could be a disservice to our own reputation, but in the end, we accomplish what we have been dreaming of for so long. And we become the kings and queens of blazing castles, set aflame by the goals that we developed from everyone but the King of Kings.

There have been collapses in the past. This world is run amuck with the deepest of disappointments. And just when we thought we had it all under control, we let down the ones we were hoping to impress and influence... only to discover that the crash has brought a release that is strangely far sweeter than having kept everyone for so long cherishing the traditions and heritage that we have been driving to establish.

But I will always question the fraility of it all, while continuing to risk everything to find what lies just beyond my reach.

.: remember and return :.

To the child of My grace;

It seems like just yesterday that I gave you a wake-up call. In a matter of moments, your life was clearly revealed as "not your own", and many all around you thought that they would surely lose you. But I spared your life... and called you to return to Me. But having moved years away from that event, I am once again losing your heart. You no longer follow Me as you once did. What happened? Who called you away or wooed you with a seemingly better life? How have you managed to lose your first love? It breaks My heart to see you give your best strength away to that which is fading and temporary. It saddens Me to watch you bury yourself deeper and deeper into such shame and disgrace. And it hurts Me so deeply to watch you walk away from everything that I have promised you for that which you can have right now, though at such a tremendous price. Need I remind you of My great love for you? And though you may be far removed from Me, you are far from gone.

Remember all that has led up to this very day. Remember that I spared your life and gave you a new outlook on what it means to remain in this world. Remember... and repent. Confess your weariness and I will restore you with strength beyond limits. My son, I have held your hand through all of these years, and though you desire to leave Me behind, I refuse to let you go. You are far too valuable to Me as both My creation and My child. Seek me while I still may be found... and surrender your own plans to those that I have etched out before eternity. Enter back into My love, and walk with Me as you did not so long ago.

Return. Return to me. Return to your family - to friends who are waiting to take you back in and support you. Leave your old ways, your old habits, your old life... and come back to Me. I am willing to do what it takes to make you my own... but I will not force my perfect will upon you. I love you far too much to sabotage our relationship like that. I cannot make you love Me - that is a choice all of your own. But turn even the slightest and I will come to you - I will meet you in your brokenness. My grace awaits you. All you must do is cry out... and I promise - I will hear you.

.: thanksgiving :.

To celebrate the 2005 Thanksgiving, I had breakfast with my family, turkey with my relatives, watched the Broncos defeat the Cowboys in overtime... and drove my uncle's 2006 Corvette Sports Car! I missed last year's get-together, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until today. I had the chance to see my cousin and his wife's year old baby, Kaile. It is so rich how a person can feel so connected with family over something as common as a meal. There are so many things that I have to be thankful for... blessings that have been given to me, that I don't deserve by any means... people, situations, and gifts that the Father continues to pour out upon my life. And one of the greatest of those such blessings are men and women who are a part of my heritage - people that know me and love me, and that I continue to be stirred and deepened by simply through knowing and loving them.

Thank you, Father... for such things, for such life, and for all of You!

.: an unspoken hierarchy :.

What exactly is it within me that so often accuses me of pursuing a second-rate profession? I come from a church that exalts overseas missions as the godliest of works, as well as am attending an (un)seminary that puts the push on to be working with the underprivileged, with the minorities of this city, and with those who are being persecuted. So... serving as a pastor in a small church in the middle of America... or working with AIDS victims in Africa? Stay here, in a place that I admit offers comfort on some levels... or move across the ocean and give my life to working with those who would never have heard of Christ without my having gone there (which some of my missionary friends would say also offer avenues towards safety, though this is quite foreign to my own thoughts and experience)? And some could say in the same vein that to work in a church is even more noteworthy than those who choose a sort of "marketplace" profession, though I myself would disagree on the basis of the priesthood of all believers.

Yes, yes... it is all a matter of perspective! But coming back to the question at hand, why am I continually haunted by the thought that to be a pastor is not as commendable as being a missionary? There are two realities (which I must be reminded of daily) that seemingly factor in; one, I wrestle with the concept of using the role that I have been called to by God to glorify myself. I have been given a gift... and it resides in the life of someone who loves to honor himself. So these issues reveal my own desire for more self-exaltation. But two, which is along the same lines, I have been called to do this. This isn't just some profession that I have chosen out of an array of other veisible options. The pastoral ministry is my goal... it is my drive... it has become to me a passion that is touched upon and excited in me all the time. This is what I want to do... though sometimes I question how that will ever become a reality when my own inability seems to shine through at any given instance.

So who has the right to question or even demean my desire for service in light of all believers being equal before God? I must fight against that which furthers that sort of vocational / spiritual hierarchy within the Body. And I myself must be reminded that God has called different people to different roles... and who are we to say that one person's role is far more valuable than another's? If we have been called, we are compelled to follow He who invites us into what we are to make of our lives. I sense that there is a glory that awaits each and every one of us who remains faithful to the Father, who sees far better the plan that He has intended for the vision of His Kingdom than those who are submitted members.

The way I see it, some people have been unqiuely gifted and prepared for overseas work. At this point in my life, I am being crafted for a different role - filled with the Spirit and anointed to do this task. And it would be wise of us to carry our vocations in a place separated far from the place of our identities (primarily the source for such). What would it look like for a person to hold his or her vocation with an open hand, rather than using it for selfish gain and status within their community, church, or world? At the end of the day, we must seek the Father's will and do what He lays upon my heart (though it is this very heart level in which I wonder if I have just been successful in avoiding work that I just don't want to do... or even fear is not in me to do). But for me, I fear that I am possibly seeking glory in the process of being treated so poorly. It's a shame that I so often play into the Devil's hands by twisting that which has been given by God to build His Kingdom to fashion my own.

.: just what you need :.

I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is wishing you had a certain song... only to find it on a CD that you already own. It's desperately wishing you had a pair of warm gloves for your bike trip... and opening a drawer to find a pair that you got last Christmas. It's wishing you could see the commerical that everyone is talking about... and then turning on the TV and it being the next thing you see. It's being reminded that you wanted to buy that one item, and have wanted to for some time... only to find it that same day on the clearance rack as you roam to the back corner of a store. Some would call those moments "kisses of God"... others would just figure them to be random occurances that hint at luck. Whatever they are, it is so exciting to live the sort of life that is just chock full of them... and spread throughout an entire lifetime. They seem to stir a joy that is strangely deep within me. Never knew such little things could touch my heart... but they do.

I needed that tonight, having just come out of the weekend that I did.

.: refreshment :.

Had a great weekend. Went home to celebrate my dad's birthday. Ate at one of my favorite restaurants (Anthony's Homeport). Saw a couple good flicks ("Kingdom of Heaven" & "Batman Begins"). Bought a sweet Trek mountain bike (first one in 15 years). Had dinner with family and relatives. Got the majority of my fatty History research paper done. Saw some old friends at church and around the Valley. Got my pastor to say the word "weasel" in his sermon. Watched the Seahawks smash the St. Louis Rams for the second time this season.

Excited for tomorrow. Refreshed for the week ahead.

Can't wait to get back home and ride my bike some more.

.: not buying it :.

I'm not buying it anymore!

This philosophy of living that says that the more productive a person is with their life, the more deserving of honor they are. This idea that the harder we work, and the more fires that we have our irons in, the more "worthwhile" we are living. This haunting belief that I am simply not doing "enough" (as if there were a set limit to how much I need to do to have reached the exalted amount) - I simply refusing to live like that anymore. Not to say that I am cured or fully resolved or will never go back... but I am well into the journey of learning to live the sort of life that Christ calls us to - one that centers on Sabbath. The very thing that flies in the face of everything that this world is trying to mold us into. Rest like He speaks of is the antithesis of even the standard jargon that the Church uses, both verbally as well as implies by the very lives of its given leadership.

Christ says...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

This idea that we have to stay well-published... this idea that we have to stay on the "circuit" of sought-after speakers... this idea that there are always new conferences that we have to be a part of... this idea that there is always more that I can do, and more involvement that I am capable of, and more groups that I can head up... this idea that we have to spend 14 hours a day pouring over the vocation that we have chosen... this idea that we need to keep all our plates spinning - I was never made to live like that!

Christ says...
"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

That is His design for me... those are the intentions of His plan for my life. And how often do I simply burden myself with that sort of soul-killing, consuming mentality that drives to live like the very people who are paying the price of healthy families and peaceful homes... for the sake of a career, a name, and a future? It only seems to me that we play right into the hands of the enemy to "steal, kill, and destroy" by living in ways that achieve his aim and goals.

I am waking up to the reality that the "full life" is a rested life... a paced life... a life disconnected from those sorts of selfish agendas, no matter how much we dress them up with spiritual garbs and claim them as the actions of someone redeemed. Especially as a seminary student, there is a philosophy of living that creeps into our hearts and minds, which obligates us to live in un-human ways (i.e, not the way we were created to live, in harmony with the principles of Sabbath, rest, refreshment, and above all things... wholeness). The reality is that even our school walls are filled with people well into the work of living fractured lives of esteemed busyness... with multiple classes, hours of work on the side, a church (or two) to minister at, as well as other ministries towards which they can cast the remaining moments of their lives awake.

In a way, I feel His living Spirit granting permission to seek out things that I desire rather than things that I feel that I "ought to do". I feel freedom to actually commit myself to rest, rather than claim it in the few minutes between studying and sleeping. I even sense Him creating "space" within my life to be restored, even before I find that I desperately need it (after all, we tend to only reward ourselves with a break after we have driven our very souls into the dust, don't we?).

No more lifestyle of "all-nighters"... no more lifestyle of cramming sessions... no more lifestyle of bearly getting by... and no more lifestyle of shaming myself out of listening to the voice grown weary of crying out for rest. And in the place of such praised activities... a place where I can find rest for my very soul... a place of discovering encouragement and strength to continue on (note I did not say "drive myself forward", a task I am well familiar with)... a place where such a "pause" is even mandatory.

The sad reality is that what awaits those who live like this (not just for days or weeks, but years and centuries) is somewhere along the lines of having guilt cast on them... being accused of being lazy or weak... finding themselves as the punchline of jokes told behind closed doors... and claims that "they just don't have what it takes".

World... I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES... not to live like you are wanting me to live. But I am learning to resign myself to that healthy awareness... and I am only now finding reasons for why I could not keep up the sort of pace that you held before me all these years!

And I refuse to feel bad for living in a healthy and whole manner any longer.

.: longing to be distracted :.

This semester is turning out to be a time in which I am getting far more done than I have in the past. This is certainly essential, considering the fact that I have far more to do this term. But as I so often fail to see, God has been preparing me for times such as these in terms for greater strength and deeper passion.

But that doesn't mean that I still don't groan with the slightest bit of jealousy when I see people playing games or watching movies as I head off to work on one of my three papers for the term. Sure, I have little things (such as this small post) to offer me "pauses" within my busy day... but they aren't the same as having the opportunity to throw caution to the wind and wasting an entire day (maybe even a couple hours would be just as fun), far far away from books and notecards and homework.

But within these recent times, I am discovering a touch of clarity concerning the benefits of using my time wisely. Sure, it's fun to get to talk about a movie that you just saw... but I am discovering a real joy in sticking my nose in a book - any good book (am I really writing this?). And yeah, it's fun to get away from the community house and do something fun and unique with friends... but within me cries out the potential benefits of possibly going even deeper in my current studies.

All than to say that school has become richer lately. But once I can get this Augustine paper off my shoulders, I think I just might enjoy being here a little bit more, what with some (seemingly) extra time on my hands and the light at the end of the tunnel in my sight!

.: our presentation :.

Maintaining a regular quiet time is such a tricky thing. And for most of us, we wake each morning with far too much on our hearts and minds to even make the smallest attempt. After all, what is the use? Being children of our self-consumed culture, we fail to see how it benefits us... and we rush into our days off to activities that seemingly make more sense to enter into. Because the purpose isn't blazingly obvious, we seek out things to entertain ourselves with that seem to come with better instructions and results.

But I think the very heart of such a divine habit centers on daily presenting yourself before the only One who can soften our hearts. As we enter into a time of inward reflection and worshipful meditation, or even continue our wrestling match with the Father over issues that may seemingly cost us our very faith, it is as if we are mustering up as much strength as possible and placing ourselves back into His open hands (for it so typically only takes us somewhere between hours to mere minutes to crawl out of them in search of that self-controlled life). And once we are in His presence, we drop our defenses (as best we can, for much of it lies against the Father Himself) and invite Him to once again soften our hearts.

That for me is the essence of what it means to have a habitual devotional life, for our very act of devotion is driven by humbling submission and crying out from the very core of our being for God to speak to us at such a level that we are united with His own heart and mind. We present ourselves in any way we can think of (to think that in our unique creativity, in harmony with our very design, and through knowing our own hearts, we approach Him in manners that are deeply personal to us), asking for Him to soften our calloused hearts and deeply rooted cynicism and refusal to take Him at His word. And we do such things knowing that it is His very desire for us to be softened and truly known and possessed by His Living Spirit.

I fear that we have come to some sort of a belief that there is one right way to "have devotions" (that very phrase strikes a chord within me that causes me to run in the very opposite direction from wherever it came), and that unless we figure it out, we are merely wasting our time or going through the motions. But the truth be known, we are given access to the Father by our very nature, which has been changed forever by the work of His Son. And the Father has no expectations or proper manner for how we are to approach Him, but rather He bears the deep desire that we simply come... and enter into deeper communion with Him.

Isn't that refreshing... even inviting?! I do not have to have the right words (which I so often don't), but I can simply offer as much of me as I am in touch with and aware of... and I can lay it before Him. And in deeply personal ways, the Father moves towards us (at ways we don't even realize or sense) and takes what He offers. Sometimes He simply takes what we offer... and yes, sometimes (often times) He asks for more, though not in a demanding fashion but in a manner that reveals His passion for intimacy with us (again, to know us and by known by us). But all we must do is come... with our guard dropped... with our own agendas hand-in-hand with as much of His will as we know at that given moment (we certainly must acknowledge both since both lay heavy upon our hearts)... and with a readiness to receive whatever He has to offer, which most always is a taste of the "everything" and the "eternity" that He is so desperate to give us.

We come before Him as often as we can, crying out for Him to breathe new life into our weary state of being. We acknowledge our deepest feelings (both frustration and thankfulness, anger and pain, sadness and joy), we ask some (if not all) of our hardest questions within the reality that it simply may not be for us to ever know this side of existence, and we stand ready to receive anything with somewhere between little to lots of expectations of how He ought to reciprocate.

But the beauty lies in our presenting ourselves before Him at such a level that we commune with Him... even if it is for moments at a time. The King is not sitting pridefully on His throne, seeking to keep His distance from His unworthy subjects. He is reigning beyond our wildest imaginations, far beyond what we are even capable of acknowledging... and that reigning King is seeking to reveal His glory within our lives within the context of our growing fellowship with Him. The awesome reality is that the mighty King is our loving Father who longs for us to see Him as He truly is.

But how can I when I am daily taking myself up on the offers and excuses for avoiding Him, whether it be out of confusion, frustration, or even simple unawareness?

.: patterns :.

It is wild to me how I can see such clear cut sets of habits that lie in any given setting that I live. Whether it be up in Vancouver, down in Mount Vernon, hanging with old familiar friends, going to church... there is some set standard of living that I so easily slip into. Our Reading Week break was such a strong reminder of that to me, particularly in the little things (such as sleep, devotions, eating habits, etc.). I seem to possess such a strong commitment to my studies as I remain up here in Vancouver... but once I cross that border, something happens along that stretch of road and I become a different person. Not necessarily something completely reversed nor some sort of evil Hyde, but there is just a change in the way that life seems to go in each place. And the funniest thing to me is that no matter how hard it was to accomplish something at home, I knew it would go back to being a no-brainer once I return to my home away from home in Canada.

And sure enough, today went just as expected! Crazy how life can become so predictable... even somewhat manageable.

.: bound to happen :.

I knew the day would come when this would happen. For all the times that I have witnessed some pretty close calls, we finally have our first "victim" of the common pastoral mistake. You almost hate to see such a rookie error like this happen!

Texas Pastor Electrocuted During Baptism

.: punk'd by penguins :.

So I was all set last night to go see March of the Penguins at a theater downtown (the Lincoln) that I have never been to before. We get there 15 minutes early, and much to our surprise, the ticket prices are a $6 donation. Failing to assess the situation, we pay the lady at the front, we grab our tub of popcorn, and we sit down in somewhat empty theater (there were only about a dozen people in there). So there I am with incredible seats to what should be an incredible movie. Nevermind there is a slide projector right behind my head, and posters for the Humane Society at the front of the theater - I was too caught up in the fact that I finally got to see this movie.

Now the problem is that I have been told that the Lincoln Theater often has extra stuff before and after some of the films they show. They will typically have actors, directors, or some person affiliated with that particular movie come and introduce the film, tell a little bit about their experience making it, and the like. So during the 15 minute slide presentation for the Humane Society, I am just thinking that they are taking advantage of our coming to this movie to make us aware of a good cause. But then, as some old guy took the stage and began his own slideshow of him and his wife's trip to some far-off place to see penguins and other arctic wildlife, I started to grow extremely suspicious of just when the real movie was going to start.

Needless to say, March of the Penguins was not showing last night! Nooo... in fact, it's last night of showing was the night before. Last night was a "special" night in which we could come pay $6 for a slideshow of some crazy people's slides of penguins. 45 minutes into the program, I was furious (did I mention I was sitting right in front of the project, so everytime I sat up to soothe my sore back, my head popped up in shadow form on the screen of penguins?). I started formulating a plan within my head as to how to get my money back, and if they didn't give it back to me, how I could best burn that theater down as quickly as possible. My parents encouraged me to laugh about it, but if they hadn't been there, I was fully prepared to make a scene and get my cash back. Instead, the Humane Society came out $18 richer because I cannot read a simple newspaper ad correctly (it was 7:30 PM last Thursday, not this Thursday!).

I didn't even have fun... that was, until the narrator said "weiner seals". I guess that made the $6 all worth it!

.: the surprise of change :.

The smallest changes can bring a refreshingly new perspective to anyone's life. Granted, for some people, change comes like a virus that can devastate the scheduled predictability that they once enjoyed. But that class of people is not me! I love change, for the most part. And often times, I love having it sneak up on me and catch me off guard... and in a sense reward me with a new sort of life. It can be something as simple as what happened the other day when some of my housemates showed me a back alley path to the bus stop. Rather than walking around the outskirts of the neighborhood, I came to find out that one could simply walk down behind the row of houses and end up a couple steps from the doors of the subsequent 99-er (the straight shot to Regent). And the crazy thing is that something so small and inconsequential put a new bounce into my step and made me feel like everything was new. It's the wierdest thing, and yet it happens every so often in my life. It's fun when you do it intentionally and find a new way to do something... but when it finds you, it makes even the most menial tasks exciting!

.: to love :.

(a quote that has been haunting me for years)
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

We just can't do it! It is the impossible feat. We can either risk everything for even the slightest possibility of the greatest thing... or we can remain safe and guarded and unbreakable. All those fears and apprehensions - we are just going to have to learn to live with them, to deal with them as they present themselves, and to push through them into something more magnificant than safety and the promise of ease. We must remain committed to seeking the very best that this temporary life has to offer us, even as we face the strong possibility of some of the worst. For you cannot love someone, nor be loved in return, and at the same time keep your guard up from potentially being wounded by them.

To love is to open yourself up to the possibility of finding both the absolute best and the absolute worst. It truly can go either way... but that's the risk you take to try and experience what very few ever really find: a love that will carry you through an entire lifetime.

"And love is a tired symphony you hum when you're awake... and love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake... and love's the best sensation hiding in the lion's mane." - Iron & Wine, Lion's Mane

.: no more :.

This tune has been following me around for the past couple weeks. May you be blessed by the powerful realities of which it speaks!

"I Boast No More"
(Caedmon's Call / Issac Watts)
------------------------------------------------
No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of Thy Son

No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more

Now, for the loss I bear his name,
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross

Yes, and I must, I will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
O may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake
Amen, amen

The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done

.: big enough :.

The Father's heart is big enough...
...big enough for my weaknesses
...big enough for my frailties
...big enough for my sinful habits
...big enough for my idolatry
...big enough for my inconsistencies
...big enough for my fearfulness
...big enough for my shame
...big enough for my own hardened heart
...big enough for my carelessness
...big enough for my apathy
...big enough for my foolishness
...big enough for my insecurities
...big enough for my small visions
...big enough for my misspent passion
...big enough for my misplaced sense of security
...big enough for my defensiveness
...big enough for my overreactions
...big enough for my refusing at times to hold on
...big enough for my wanderings
...big enough for my cynicism
...big enough for my tight grip on everything but Him
...big enough for my covered over compromises
...big enough for my investments in my own kingdom
...big enough for my fruitless searches for life elsewhere
...big enough for my acting out of woundedness.

The Father's heart is by far large enough for all these things... and even more! Large enough to still love me, to not forsake me, to not give up on me... to even know me better than I know myself, and to continue to call me to be what I was created to be. And amidst all these shortcomings and failures, it is big enough to still invite me into something that I could never have received apart from Christ's work on my behalf.

.: what awaits :.

I have my Reading Week break awaiting me in a little over a week... but I have some major things that lie before that period of rest... though I am not sure how much of a rest it's gonna be though, what with three different papers to write. Elementary Greek is killing me this semester! I literally do not know how many more Greek words, paradigms, and word endings I can jam into my brain. The teacher is testing us all the time... which is good in the sense that it keeps us accountable... but bad in the sense that I find myself studying for it three times as much as my other classes. I have a "take home" vocab test to tackle today, which is killing what would normally be for me a day off (in the sense that I don't have to head up to Regent, but I can do what I want to do). I keep thinking that I will get a break, though I am getting small ones all along the way. But rather than my workload letting up, it seems that God is providing more grace in each moment... which is offering me the strength to stay the course and get my junk done. And when it is all done... what a party there will be!!!

.: broken :.

For all who were hoping for better days than this...
For all who were thinking that they should have been so much further than where they are right now...
For all who have been places that they should have never gone into...
For all who are broken and dying and desperate for real life...
For all who are so far from where they used to be...
For all who need help and need hope and need healing...
For all who keep catching themselves straying off the path...
For all who are living half-empty lives of busyness and temporary satisfaction...
For all who are buried in the errors of their ways...

There is a hope...
We have a way that the Father has called us into...
And His very Spirit has been fighting, and will continue to fight, for our hearts...
We were never meant to live this life in our own flesh...
We were never meant to wrestle and struggle alone...
We are products of our enviroment...
And imitations of the company that we keep...
But one by one, we are waking up to lives that we never meant to live...
And we want to escape...
And we desperately want out...

The Father is calling us to lay down our own lives...
And to pursue Him with every fiber of our souls...
He is more than enough...
More gracious...
More loving...
More forgiving...
And more than able to heal us as we so deeply desire...

All He asks is that we come...
Come and see...
And believe that He is the source of the real life that we have been searching for throughout all of our years...

And give up on the life that keeps failing us and coming up so tragically short...

Come broken...
Come defenseless...
Simply come.

.: space to speak into :.

Just recently, I have really been wrestling with feelings of being let down by others. There have been a handful of experiences that have left me confused in terms of the space between who I thought they were... and how they end up expressing themselves to be somewhere along the way. Within the past couple weeks, there was an instance in which I tried to take a stand on a particular issue, only to end up being dismissed and laughed at. And I am telling you, being misunderstood like that really makes one not only feel isolated, but the event itself functions in such a way so as to prime you to isolate yourself even more (in a sense, confirming what you already perceived). Another dynamic and potential reaction is the subsequent desire to just remain silent in the future and "go with the flow" (just that phrase alone makes me sick because of it's inherient implications)... which in turn leads me to become - at least in that one moment - someone I am not... or at least someone I do not want to be.

Which brings me to a deeper haunting question: will I ever be able to break the vicious circle of my own inconsistencies? It seems like I cannot even take a stand against anything because, as so often happens, I only later choose to give in. And those whom I once opposed seemingly stand ready to judge me (and hopefully my own words of opposition and/or correction were not words of judgment and condemnation of another individual, but rather words spoken out of wisdom and love). But it seems that because I am a fallen creature, I will never be able to draw a line in the sand and refuse to do something in particular. This is seemingly because I have either done it in the past, or I later soften my once firm stance and choose to do it later on down the path.

The reality is that there is no voice given to those who have already acquiesced. They cannot be the same ones who later steer people away. But interesting enough, no one likes a "stick in the mud" and if you haven't soiled your own hands, people tend to write you off... and in turn, you find yourself with very few friends. Therefore, what I have been coming to believe is the reality that to be a prophet seems to be equated with living on the fringe of culture and society, to be listened to, but to share intimacy with very few others (possibly only other prophets). But to have done something even once somehow implicitly means to have commited yourself to a lifetime of such actions, with no voice whatsoever to speak out against it... for such people are labeled and dismissed as hypocrites.

I am left in a world where I can virtually say nothing because the error of my ways is just as evident as anyone elses... more so at times though, or so it feels that way so often.

.: question :.

Some of the most unexpected questions have a way of hitting you right where you live - this one came from Oswald Chamber's work, My Utmost for His Highest:

"Can I face things as they actually are in the light of the reality of Jesus Christ, or do things as they really are destroy my faith in Him, and put me into a panic?"

That is one that I will have to wrestle with on a daily basis... which explains for the large Post-It note with the quote on it right on the wall above my desk.

.: rain :.

It rained today for the first time in a while... Welcome to Vancouver!

Last night, we hosted our first community dinner. I had the privledge of preparing the main course... an hour and a half before everyone was ready to eat. So as the food got put back into the oven for another hour, I went into my room and felt myself begin to slide into a cruddy mood. Looking back on it now, 5 PM is kinda early to have dinner... but to have the remaining missing roommates slide in the door an hour after I had notified them to be here (the beauty of a community board), I felt myself grumble at a pretty intense level, just beneath the surface of my smiling face and anticipated words of forgiveness.

The night was an interesting one to say the least, because once again, I was reminded of how I can so easily become an introvert even in a crowd of good friends. Very few of the subjects were ones that I felt like I could offer good imput into, so instead I simply waited on our guests and took in the whole scenario. Yes, I am blessed to have a good amount of friends here at Regent... but so often I feel tempted just to slip into the mood of just focusing on my studies and really only offering myself to two or three people.

Even at the Retreat this past weekend (at Warm Beach), I was feeling some of this. I mean, I seriously have not felt that alone and exposed (as I was during certain parts of the Retreat) since High School. There just were so many people there... and they choose to organize all these events throughout the weekend, and then just head us off into them, assuming that we all already know each other. And I just sat there, thinking and reminding myself that I don't need anybody else... which is a great thing to tell yourself when you feel like no one is coming for you. I needed rescuing, and in a way God used a couple people to do just that. But these past 3 weeks have been a period of extremes where I so quickly fly from feelings of complete adequacy to ponderings of why exactly I am where I am at any given moment.

Sometimes all you can do is thank God that you yourself were rescued from those situations (if in fact your were) by something... anything. But a part of myself certainly says, "Do not let yourself end up in that situation ever again!" And you leave mental notes to yourself in order to remember such scenarios that left you dazed and feeling somewhere between out of control and just simply out of your element!

.: something :.

Life bears a deep unspoken sadness... but there are also new things happening all around us - even deep within us - which stirs us and we become (in turn) excited and eager for God's new work... to the world... in our church... in our families... in our friends... in our own hearts and minds.

Yes, indeed... God is at work!

.: he knew :.

One of the deepest realities that I have been waking up to lately is the idea that if I don't do things God's way and I take matters into my own hands, I have great cause to worry... for at that point, I am the one in control... and control over my circumstances is one thing I do not have. I need Him... I need Him in control! Thus, the sense and desire to be fully honest and upright have been heavy upon my heart as of late. I want to know more fully that He is indeed the One who is in control.

A particular passage I was wrestling with this past Sunday morning is that of John 2:24-25;

"But Jesus would not entrust himself to them... for He knew all men. He did not need man's testimony about man, for He knew what was in a man."

My thoughts: what exactly is "that"? What does Jesus know... and is it what I am maybe just now beginning to discover in everyone around me, as well as myself? The fact is, Jesus saw them for who they truly were - frauds, liars, manipulators... many of whom were trying to kill him. I get the sense that this passage is saying that he didn't need them to come through for him, and frankly he refused to trust them... for he knew exactly the thoughts and desires and motives of their hearts. He pulled no punches. He saw them fully, and so he carried himself with incredible wisdom and discretion around them.

Where do I fit into that, especially regarding how I carry myself around others... as well as in what ways I "entrust" myself to others? Just with regards to my expectations of others to come through for me; those come into a different light and I begin to discover much of my own personal heartache.

.: back for now :.

At 12:52 PM today, my brother and I pulled into our driveway from our trek home from Santa Cruz, CA. I have tons to do in order to get unpack from 3 months of life elsewhere... and to get repacked for 8 months of life back in beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia. I have missed this place (the Skagit Valley). I knew I had, but it hit me as I saw some of the most familiar sights (Mount Baker being one of the best things to see in a long time). It is over! I cannot believe it, but it is over. I was realizing today that this 3 month period was the longest that I have been away from home (at least on a permanant basis) since I went to Israel in the Fall of 1997. WOW!!! Well, what an amazing time I had down there at Mount Hermon.

Will there be a "next year"? Sign-ups begin in early February.

We shall see...

.: the days ahead and behind :.

I have been hanging with my brother for the past couple days, which has been a refreshing change of pace. Just a few more days and I am out of here... and eventually back to Vancouver for more school. This past month has been a different one in that I find so much of my daily attitude has shifted from being the center of attention and interested in staying out front (so to speak), to being far more quiet and contemplative and even sorrowful, far beyond what I typically experience. Some have mistaken the shift for being anything from mad to frustrated to wounded. And maybe in some ways I have changed with regards to some sort of wounds. But at the place I find myself in life lately, I would never know. For I am far too tired, far too clouded of mind, and far too indifferent to everything around me to be fully aware of what is going on in my heart.

I feel so many things, but cannot muster up the strength to follow them to their roots or ends. I catch myself at times flooded with thoughts, only to find myself distant from those very thoughts minutes to hours later. A few things I know to be true; this summer revealed something deep within my heart, as well as my circumstances and situation in life. It revealed just a little bit more of who I am, and what I mean to those around me. It caused me to realize the nature of many of my relationships, and it has managed to catch me off guard with feelings familiar to years far-gone from today.

My future fails to truly take my breath away... and knowing myself, I will refuse to go along with it for much longer than I can manage to tolerate. I guess what I really just miss beyond all these things is just a close friend, for these days are ones of a lonely journey... one which will continue for who knows how much further.

This one thing I know: I have no promises that I feel like I can cling onto.

.: ghost town :.

Last Saturday night, my summer at Mount Hermon came to what I would consider an official end (we still have Labor Day, but only a handful of the summer staffers are returning)... and I hit an emotional brick wall! Just as I was returning from having dropped off two of my closer friends from the summer, I found myself beginning to feel overwhelmed by the conclusion of what has turned out to be one of my most memorable and meaningful summer experiences. I finally got back to the campgrounds and just crashed as I felt my whole world begin to (seemingly) change radically in a matter of minutes. It has even gotten to a point where I cannot walk around this place without remembering powerful moments from the summer that took place in special and familiar "spaces". A major factor of my feeling this loss so deeply is because (as I am beginning to realize) I have not been this close to this many people in what feels like years. I mean, I knew I was growing friendships with many of these students (with a handful of ones that are turning out to be deeper than I realized even up to a week ago), but to see the end of this summer hit me so abruptly, I am left here for the remaining week with a deep sadness - even loneliness - that is beyond what I have come to expect within recent years. What happened here was rich and deep and life changing... and unrepeatable! And it is that final element that has me gasping for emotional breath. I know I will see many of these people again, even in the coming weeks. But this almost feels like too much for me to handle at the moment.

Father God, give me the necessary grace and strength to endure the prevailing waves of grief for the loss of what was so meaningful to me... even beyond what I could ever have expected or prepared for!

.: braved and conquered :.

I overcame my fears of heights, if but for only 20 minutes, and went on the canyon course today at Mount Hermon. Having been in charge of the Adventure Faculty Summer Staffers, I have only been able to help out on the ground the whole summer by harnessing people up for the course. But at around 3:20 PM today, I threw off my sandals, put on the sweaty shoes of a grade schooler (without socks... which only makes me that much cooler), harnessed up, and crawled the ladder to the course above the ground. Needless to say, I was shaking the whole way, but the different Ad Fac members were more than graciously encouraging of me as I tried to make my way around the 5 different elements (ranging from 20 to 60 feet).

The worst one was having to walk across only a log suspended with nothing to hold onto... except for the straps that supported me, had I mistakenly fallen (thank God Almighty, I didn't have that happen!). I am proud of myself for doing it. It was easily my toughest physical challenge during this entire summer. But there was too much frustration mixed in with all my excuses for not doing it to avoid at least making the effort to try my hands (and head - after all, the whole fear is a mental thing) at it!

.: coming to terms :.

(Excerpt from article for MH Newsletter)

I think I am slowly but surely getting the hang of these "goodbyes". It seems like every place I go, the inevitable end haunts me throughout my entire stretch of fellowship and adventure. And of course, as a wise person once said, "All good things must come to an end." But no matter how many times I am confronted with the closing stages of something that has felt real and deep and personal, I often find myself somehow scrambling to try and make it last well into wherever the Lord takes me next. Truth be told, I don't care much for the thought of never seeing again those who have become so close to me in so little time (heck, who is, right?). But at a deeper level, beyond the uncontrollable tears and swiftly spoken promises of future reunion, there remains a profound celebration for having been here, which is often strangely matched with an anticipation for the future... come what may!

In all honesty, who would really want their old experiences (no matter how enjoyable they were) to be played out over and over and over again? The thing we would really hope for is typically something even beyond those vivid memories - something that would make an even deeper impression upon our souls. And in reality, maybe the fear (if it really made itself known to us) is that of never being sure we are where we were meant to be. Maybe we are really living in between the "possibilities" of real life... life as it was meant to be lived... the life we were designed for. We are a children that have been cast from Eden (Genesis 3), who are now wandering through this "desert life", hoping for glimpses of what used to be. We were built for fellowship - no wonder we cry when we stand to lose it. We were built for honest relationships - no wonder we shutter when they are threatened by distance and time. And we were built to be unreservedly loved by others - no wonder we grieve the loss of those who seem to have offered that to us in such genuine ways (if even for only a little time).

For myself, I am only now beginning to find beauty in the process and tremendous splendor in the journey. And rather than experiencing the sense of loss, I am becoming someone who is able to rejoice in parting from close friends for the sake of potentially discovering something new that both echoes past encounters, as well as offers me a place to continue to thrive and stretch and flourish... in new ways! And so we celebrate our time together this summer, knowing that we have come only steps further in our excursion towards becoming more like the Son, but having found a joy (deeper than all our sadness) that springs from the fact that we are living lives that are able to possess borders beyond "bottled experiences".

For those of you who feel like I am discounting the sorrow of moving on, please hear me clearly. I will miss you all, though undoubtedly some more than others (go ahead... curse me for saying what we are all feeling), and there are moments and mental images from this summer that I will carry with me for the next couple years (even one or two that will haunt me up until Heaven). But I am more greatly excited for what lies ahead for all of us who have irresponsibly rejected selfish caution and the charade of creating a life that we can control... and who have thrown our lot in with the One who offers life to the fullest (John 10:10). I fear that I would only be selfishly thinking of what I might lose if I somehow fought to keep you all here. And no matter how sad we may feel in the coming days and weeks, none of us would truly want that! For we are those who constantly long for more, in the hopes of finding something that endures!

.: dealing with the shifts :.

There is often a place between where I am leaving and where I am heading to, and in that space lays incredible sadness, intense loneliness, irresistible mystery, and an eerie silence... especially on the part of God. Like so many other people, I hate to not be "home". I hate to be parting company with those who offer me love and safety and acceptance and protection and "a place where I belong". I hate airplanes, I hate driving away, I hate moving on, and I especially hate goodbyes (no matter how temporary they are). No, maybe not all the time, but a lot of the times when a special period of fellowship has developed and a small tight group has forged its way through some adventure, I hate coming to the end of it... no matter how much lies ahead for me at my next destination. I hate those lengthy transitions when you are moving back into your current place of residence from a period of joyous reunions and restoring fellowship. I hate having to leaving those spaces of time to go back into what was seemingly acceptable just a few days ago. I don't handle those shifts very easy at times because at a soul level, it feels like the abandonment of what I was built for. At times, I almost even feel forced out to return to my place of strengthening, preparation, and maturing. Why can I not simply find that place and never have to see the end of it? It's as if one must not venture out of what each day has brought them into simply because the slightest change of conditions or location brings on a wave of something that is nothing short of full-blown grief. It is that very sorrow that I despise, though it does in fact remind me that I am built for something greater than the temporary situations that I flit around among. Will I never be allowed to find what my heart is longing for - a space that assumes no time limit? Will I ever be offered a home without some sort of boundaries or shortcomings? I long for that kind of companionship... for that sort of dwelling... for that depth of eternal satisfaction!

.: union of friends :.

I had the privledge of serving as a groomsman today at the wedding of two of my good friends. It was the first outdoor wedding I have ever been to, as well as been a part of. It was beautiful... and brutally hot (up to 110 degrees during the day). Thankfully we were in the shade for the most part. I am rejoicing with them on this special day, praying that God would continue to bless their relationship and use it to bring about His glory through their love and commitment to each other!


The Extremely Happy Couple


Celebrating Drew and Bekah's Marriage

.: the process of a lifetime :.

I must admit that the work of the Lord often times seems as a tremendous burden to me. Now I am not speaking here of those things that we set our hearts and hands towards doing for the sake of ministering to those all around us, but rather that which the Father is in the very midst of doing in us as individuals. It's that very labor which so frequently feels like such a burden to put up with. I mean, after all, what He has set out to do is to radically change everything that we are into something greater, something that is slowly growing closer to His original design (similar to that of the first beings before the all-inclusive Fall of Genesis 3) for our hearts and spirits. This is no small task! But I feel at times as if I may never see the process come to fruition in light of just how well I know my own stubborn will. And when how I behave once again falls so short of how I ought... well, therein lays the rub.

Time and time again, I want to silently lean over to the Lord and question Him of just how sure He is about actually accomplishing His will in my life (as if He doesn't already know my subtle strategies of resistance and flip-flopping). Yes, I too have desired (often in times of weakness or weariness) that He would simply wash His hands of me and just let me have my own way once and for all! Just to be able to live the so-called "natural" life - life completely handed over the one living it. This idea of the Spirit of God working in and through me, so as to transform every fragment of my possessed fallenness, is such a weight because it brings with it the responsibility to live, move, and breath in rhythm with it, rather than against it. But for me to do that would (at this stage in my 28-year-existence) require that I possess even a shred of love or even yearning for that way of living, one that seems so foreign to me, in certain spaces of who I am.

"Father God, how many times must I remind you that my spirit so often cares so little for fidelity to Your cause... that it remains so doggedly thirsty for fixes like safety and comfort and staggered doses of idolatry?" But then again, He probably already knew that... and maybe even (in all of His omniscience) took that into account when He set out with such grand intentions for His creation. It's just that the cry from the author of Hebrews 12:2 to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith" seems like a nice idea, but not quite so realistic in the company of so many other objects that capture our gapping stare.

Oh, if I could just set my sights on Christ and trust them to remain there... but I guess that would undo the need for desperate faith, wouldn't it?! And after all, the divine purpose of our Heavenly Father was never to create precise and unblemished machines, but rather relational beings that are whole on all accounts. I am a man who is far too consumed with the end product, living in relationship with a jealous God (jealous for me... for ME!!!) who cares far more for the journey. For in that process of partnering, moving, struggling, and yes, even failing, He is far more pleased with our togetherness than He is bothered by my necessarily deserving such. In light of that, I can surely rest in the fact that greater things are happening, beyond my making the Will of God come about in my life on my own terms.

.: a day in the waters :.

This past weekend, I had the chance to go to the Monterey Aquarium. Thanks to the advances of digital technology, I was able to grab a couple shots to post on this site. Hope you enjoy my randomness and crazy idea of what is funny and/or cool looking!


The wonders of the sea... errr, aquarium


One of the many creatures I was in awe over


I managed to make a new (stuffed) friend

.: the art of being misunderstood :.

Over the past month and a half, I feel like I have received quite an education. I have been learning more about God and His loving heart. I have been learning more about myself, what I have been called to by God, as well as what I have to offer. And I have even been learning about ministry and what it means to offer myself wholeheartedly to those who desire to grow in faith and grace. But above all these elements that Mount Hermon has instilled in me, I feel like one of the most unexpected talents that I have been educated in is the art of being misunderstood. There have been so many times during this summer when in my heart of hearts I have felt like I either didn't come off to others as I truly am, or that something I said or did (or even didn't do) was seen by someone else and they are most likely making assumptions of me that are false (should the truth be told). It has happened time and time again as I have sought to be who the Father created me to be, but felt like something occurred that was ultimately out of my control, in that I couldn't completely form their opinion of me to be an accurate one. And some would say that is the danger of caring what others think.

I can already hear the person across the table from me calling me back to "living before an audience of one" (God - not myself, in case you are not familiar with the proverbial equation). But hopefully you will agree with me that even beyond allowing the estimations of others to control me is the deeper desire for real relationships with those all around me at such a level that they would ultimately come to know me - the genuine "me" - and me come to know the authentic "them". However such ways of relating take far too much time. No, rather we are prone to assess others and size them up according to simple glances of one frame of their lives. I feel like I have been trained in this art form simply because I do it, and I am darn well sure it is happening to me (after all, what goes around comes around). I know for certain that I am offering others plenty of portraits of who I am that can so easily be taken out of context. I react, and by that reaction, I am misunderstood. I speak, and by those words, I am misunderstood. I choose one way, and by that choice, I am misunderstood. I bear my gut feeling, and by that sincere honesty, I am misunderstood. It is really simple, if you haven't grasped this crucial art form. Simply say or do anything, even take a risk by letting a shaft of light fall upon your personality or disposition, and then let nature take its course. Even by sharing these thoughts with you, rather than keeping myself safe by never letting these words see the light of day, I can put good money on the fact that someone will once again misread me, silently judge me, possibly even accuse me.

In the bigger picture of things, we cannot escape this element of life for it is deeply rooted in every one of us as a people this side of Eternity. It's almost as if we choose to misread the actual lines of the real stories that the Father is writing in the lives of family, friends, enemies, and even total strangers. For we live in a world that is constantly perpetuating this vicious cycle of misconstruing the character and spirit of other people, and I too am steeped in this "spiritual" form of relating to the neighbors of my various environments. And the greatest tragedy is the reality that I will most assuredly misinterpret the words, actions, or attitudes of someone else, and by that very opinion formed, I will choose in my heart to not pursue a deeper relationship with that person... and I will miss out. I will miss out on what could have quite possibly been a richer friendship. I will miss out on what God could have potentially done in both of our lives in and through each other. I will miss out on how I could have become more fully human simply because I abandoned the chance to move beyond that false perception. And others miss out on such grand things manifesting themselves in their lives because they only stuck around for a couple scenes of a fuller story that is still being written.

For she or he who is without such sin cast the first stone...

.: reflections from a flame :.

I had the privilege yesterday of attending the funeral of one of the four U.S. Navy SEALS that were recently killed in Afghanistan during a Special Forces mission, and what an amazing experience it was! What was so profound about this young man's funeral was the way that they chose to honor him. First of all, I was amazed at how many people turned out for the service. I have become more and more surprised by how often people find excuses for not attending the funerals of those they love (myself included, armed with excuses that seemed fitting at the time). All I would say to that issue is that we ought to take advantage of these times for the sake of both possibly finding closure to the loss of that individual, but even more, that we rejoice in times when a fellow believer "graduates" from this world, to go on to be with God. We as followers of Christ, though we mourn the loss of loved ones, have the deepest of hopes in that we will see them again. So it encouraged me to see all the attending friends and family choose to honor his memory by showing up. But secondly, the family designed the service in such a way that we were not only offered numerous stories by which even newcomers (like myself, for I was only there to be with one of the cousins of the deceased) came to feel like they had known him, but everyone was powerfully reminded that the center and source of all real living for this honorable fallen soldier was that of Jesus Christ. This man seemed to have lived life to the fullest, so how refreshing to have that ascribed to He who said that He came to offer such "full living" (John 10:10). I was deeply moved and powerfully encouraged by all the various stories that were shared - men and women who knew this soldier as son, husband, father, friend, companion, and comrade. The stories were grippingly honest, and through each person's transparency (even with their feelings towards the nature of his death in the context of the war), I was compelled to follow the sort of example that this man lived. Just the thought alone of not needing to be intellectually astute in order to live with integrity hit me at such a deep soul level. I was left from yesterday's service with a desire to not take any moment for granted... to live as a man who embraces life with all his might... that takes advantage of every opportunity to achieve the greatest good... and to offer a legacy for those coming behind me (even a visitor who should happen to slip into my own funeral service) to imitate and be motivated by - to live a life worth something, that does something more than just exist, but one that is fully alive... and offers others all around him that same sort of life. May God make us all into those types of individuals!

.: no accident :.

If you had tried to explain to me the whole Mount Hermon "experience", I honestly don't think I would have believed you. Here we are almost halfway through our summer together, and I am just now beginning to feel like I have adjusted to life in this place - a home away from home. And here I was so foolish as to believe that I could have even begun to know what it would be like to live, serve, and grow in this place... with these people... people who I once never knew that I now am willing to do the craziest things with on a moment's notice. Three months ago, I didn't know about a Pacific Avenue or a Garden of Eden. Three months ago, I didn't spend the minutes during when I brush my teeth as a chance to dream up new antics to attempt on the Big Dipper. Three months ago, I knew nothing of what it really meant to do what I had been called here to do as a Staff Counselor (though I must admit that I tried to anticipate much of what might possibly be expected). But most of all, up until these past couple weeks, I had nothing and no one to warn me that I would feel some of what is hitting me in the face right now. I would never have guessed that my heart would be wrestling with some of the feelings, fears, desires, and even old wounds that life at Mount Hermon has seemingly brought to the surface. And if I could be so bold, I would venture to guess that many of the other Summer Staffers are struggling with some of the same issues. One of the greatest things that Mount Hermon has done is that it has revealed to us bits and pieces of our identity as men and women (many of them pertaining to our relationship with Christ)... but needless to say, this is also one of the hardest things that Mount Hermon is causing so many of us to reckon with. Maybe we now see parts of ourselves that we never knew, or maybe parts that we are all too familiar with. Maybe we find ourselves reacting strongly in surprising ways, or maybe we are falling into old patterns of behavior that we thought we had overcome. Maybe we are finding greater strength in some personal areas, only to find ourselves severely weak in others. But no matter how our own story is seemingly being written, I honestly feel like we need to be reminded at this point and time in the summer of one thing; our being here is no mistake. We did not happen upon this place. We did not happen to slip in. There are far too many steps we had to take, and moments of faith that were required to get here, to truly believe that our being at Mount Hermon is an accident, or is by any means not part of what God had in mind for us all along. The truth be told, God drew us to this place. We may have thought that we chose to come here, and we did to some degree. But He drew us here. And He drew us here so that we might come further into His very heart and mind. He brought us to this place - a conference center on the outskirts of Santa Cruz, away from home, away from best friends, away from what feels familiar - for the sake of His very relationship with us. He sought us out... and in the midst of best-intentioned plans, here we are. And because of such realities, we can find genuine peace, if only we would calm down enough to discover it. We ought to be at peace, for we can trust in the fact that God will accomplish His purposes for bringing us to this camp (something that is bigger than ourselves and our own agendas and schedules). And if I could offer anything to all of us at this point in the summer, it would be the assurance (at a heart level) that God is at work in each and everyone of our hearts and minds. But even more than that; He will enable all us to do what He has called us to do - as servants, as counselors, as friends, as helpers, as encouragers, as teammates, as supporters, as confidants, and as friends. He has brought us safely thus far - may we have the courage to believe that He will bring us safely home, having done just as powerful of a work in all of the places that we left a month ago.

(Written for this week's Staff Newsletter, "The Branch")

.: folklore :.

This is a picture of the Baby in the Box. You have to be a part of the MH Summer Staff to understand why this is so significant, but let's just say that rumor has it that this is a real baby in the glass case, placed there by her twin sister, in memory of her early death. Creeeeeepy!


"Baby in the Box" - a piece of Mt. Hermon folklore

.: who cares :.

Relationships have a funny way of teaching you lessons about the extremities of life. One of the hardest things that I so often find myself confronted by is the internal anxiety I experience when someone I care about is either making poor decisions, or is immersed in some difficult situation. It is as if I am weighted down by some state of affairs that I didn't even have the pleasure of getting myself into. And in the attempts to try and relieve the tension that begins to build in me (in terms of wanting to do something, say something, change something, etc.), I have really found the best method to be to just stopping caring. It really is that simple! That other person loses the ability to tug upon my heartstrings by me simply resolving to not be concerned with their situation or place in this world. You see, as soon as I choose to no longer care about the circumstances of another individual, it is no longer my problem. I no longer have to bear the pressure that comes with that specific situation. I can escape any and all resulting inner turmoil by cutting all ties with them relationally (in terms of limiting their ability to cause me to suffer by their actions and condition). By doing that, I deliberately choose to no longer make it my problem.

So a member of my family wants to head down a path that I know has all kinds of warnings about its consequences, but he chooses to ignore them and continue blazing his newfound trail (this is for the sake of illustration - I am not speaking of a real situation here). I don't have to let him emotionally drag me down that path with him by pulling my interests out of that whole situation, and allowing my deepest concerns to grow numb for the sake of saving myself any grief. My close friend finds herself at a point in her life where by her subsequent choices, or even her general demeanor, begins to wound me in ways beyond describing. I can find a quick solution by deciding in my heart to just not allow her that privilege of cutting me so deep by creating a space between her actions and my response through deadening that part of me that was built to care about others. And the methods of such emotional anesthetizing come in all sorts of forms, whether through actual objects (drugs, alcohol, exercise, food, movies, sex, etc. - just take your pick!), or even inward attitudes and rash commitments made towards such ends (feelings that form phrases like "I could not care less", or "She is on her own", or "Who gives a rip? It won't affect me!"). In fact, the phrase that so often slips from the lips of well-meaning Christians is "I will pray for you!" Even this glib adage allows us at times to separate ourselves from the situations of others.

To be honest with you, there are days, weeks, even months, where such alternatives to bearing such emotional weight feels so tremendously tempting, especially because it keeps me safe and protected. I can keep myself out of harm's way (at least that which "life" so often seems to dump on me) by walking away from the problems of others. And how could anyone even blame me, for I have problems of my own to deal with? But can I do it? Can I choose to not let the weaknesses of others sway my own disposition by restraining my desire to be relationally vulnerable towards them? The only fundamental problem with this whole "plan of escape" lies at the very heart of what it means to be a part of the Body of Christ. The only thing keeping me from embracing such a "careless" approach towards others is because of what it means for me to have put on the "new self" (Ephesians 4:24). The writer of Galatians calls us in 6:2 to "carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (i.e., what God is after in the long run). And the whole point of this is not because I necessarily owe it to that person, but essentially it is because this is the very thing I have been called to do as a Christian.

Christ tells us that the greatest tool of evangelism that we have as His followers is that of love. And what greatest expression of love is there then to share a load with someone else that we find to be crushing them? Needless to say, this is especially tricky when the person being overwhelmed (or even facing eventual crushing) doesn't want our help. But even (read: especially) in these situations, the most powerful thing that we can offer is something greater than just words shouted from a distance; it is ourselves. We must stand the risk of incredible pain and a sense of sorrow if we are to ever offer others loving comfort and sustaining hope. We all face test and trials of various depths and costly results, and that is the very reason why we must be committed to caring for each other. None of us is alone in this journey we call "life". We have been beckoned to become servants and supporters to each other. May God allow us as to be given over to such a way of relating and living, in which we choose to not abandon each other midway through the adventure that we set out on the day we were born!