.: a new post :.

I really should post something new for you all to read (all 7 of my faithful readers), but ever since I had breakfast with a friend and attempted to explain to him the essence of having and maintaining a blog, I have lost all desire to really invest time in putting up some of my deepest thoughts... only to have someone who finally figured out how to work the "comment feature" on this website radically abuse it!

Why does someone have a blog? Good question...

For me, this blog allows me to share a part of what is passionate and real. For me, this blog allows me to let you have a peek into what is going on in my life. For me, this blog allows me to offer some "food for thought", not that I think that I think deep thoughts, but that there are things that strike a chord in my own heart that hopefully resonate within others. For me, this blog allows me to be known. And as I read other people's blogs, I am encouraged, edified, provoked, challenged, shocked, and reminded of deep truths.

I have so much invested in this blog... and yet I don't. I don't need this blog to have real relationships. This blog doesn't make me any more loveable. I am who I am - with or without this blog. BUT... what is being offered here is real... and what I take part in as others share their own thoughts and reactions is just as real. So... this blog is a place. A place for thinking out loud. If you don't care for what I have written, don't feel obligated to keep reading! But as many of you do respond and encourage me, I feel justified to keep doing it for the sake of how God might choose to use it... or not use it.

It is simply a webpage... it has nothing to do with the essence of who I am as a person. I would never choose to place something of such high value on something as trivial as this... especially considering the ability others have to totally misread me!

.: thanks-giving :.

On behalf of our special day tomorrow, I would like to share with you all some of the things that I have to be thankful for. Things that the Father continually brings to my mind again and again, reminding me of everything I have in this life... and the life to come. (I was even reminded of one as I was entering into the Regent building this morning!) This list should not be taken as arrogence or vain conceit on my part. Rather, I openly thank God for things that have so freely been given to me. May these things possibly echo some of the blessings of your own life!



FAMILY: I have been blessed with parents who deeply love me, as well as demonstrate a deep love for each other. I have a sister who remains a strong encouragement to me... and a brother whose friendship to me is priceless (both of whom I enjoy - am enjoyed by - and am continually challenged by.) I am an intricate part of a close family, and feel connected to an ongoing passionate love in a way that goes beyond what is typical in the world today. I am who I am today because of the rich enviroment that God allowed me to be raised up in.



FRIENDS: There are more than I could even begin to express. There are people in my life that continue to remain near to me... deeply involved in the Father's shaping of my heart and life... people who have walked many miles with me and helped to carry my burdens when my load was overwhelming. For Dan Franklin, with whom I possess an undying friendship (one that has truly stood the test of time), a man whom I consider it a privledge to call my best friend. For Mac Davis and Wendy Hughes, two friends whom the Lord used to keep me going on the path that I was contemplating walking away from, two people who represent authenticity to me in a seminary setting. For Mark Eaton, a man who continues to lead the charge for men all around him, a man in whom I found an ally over a cup of coffee, a man who knows what it means to be honest about faith and life... and to embrace what we were made for. For Bill Mueller, a man who continues to walk me through what it means to be in ministry, someone who has always kept an "open door" policy with me... and invited me to see "grace" in a new light. For friends at EBC, you continue to be used by God to nurture my faith, as well as prepare me for ministry, you continue to invite me into your lives and make me feel drawn in. And for all my other friends, who are just as near and dear to my heart... people who care about me - thank you for partnering with me in this thing called "life".



REGENT: It is such a privledge to get to study here in Vancouver. There are people who would give anything to be where I am at right now... and yet I so often take it for granted. I am being formed in powerful ways here, and I want to cherish every moment - not for the tests and books and papers... but for the friends and subtle mentors in my life whom have impacted me, and whom I have hopefully impacted.



FREEDOM: I live in the midst of boundless freedom. Freedom in a land established upon a freedom which has been won for me through the spilled blood of men and women whom I will never meet. Freedom to worship openly and confess Christ freely and boldly. Freedom to speak my thoughts without the risk of being imprisoned or losing my life. But even more... freedom in Christ, to live and move and find my identity in Him and Him alone (apart from all works of the flesh). Freedom which was given to me even while I was still an enemy of God. Freedom to be fully human, to not live perfectly, to not love perfectly, and yet to be forgiven in the eyes of the Father.



FAITH: Father God, You alone receive the praise for who You are in my life! I will never be able to fully comprehend how much You love me... and yet You continue to show me throughout every waking moment. We walk together in ways that desperately confuse me at times... ways that make me feel so tremendously exposed as a man... and You move in ways beyond my understanding. And yet You so compassionately love me... express Your tender patience with me... speak to my heart in some of the most meaningful ways... and You love me! You love me for who I am... and for who I am becoming. You love me as a child of Yours... and Your heart is only for me and my best. And though I question Your ways, and so often mistake Your love for meanness, You continue to move closer and closer to me... drawing me to You in intimate ways.



HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

.: just w(o/a)ndering :.

Correct me if I am wrong - I may just be seeing things from a poor perspective...



But I am having one of those days... one of those weeks... one of those months... where I am beginning to feel like I could pour out my heart to God in prayer and He wouldn't even be moved in the slightest way. I feel like I could passionately write of my life and how He is moving in it (though I fail so often lately to see where He is at work) in my journal... and it would just be ink on a page. My faith seems so inconsequential and because of my failure to have any real impact upon others, my identity feels up for grabs. There is impending tragedy in my life, and when my deepest fears are finally confirmed, I will acknowledge in my heart that I was in fact right all along. I feel cut off from any real fellowship, and am not really moved to find any that I can think of. There is very little spiritual food being offered to me that isn't causing me to either gag or be uninterested.



There was a fire stirred within me, at one time... but now, I simply feel huddled now around smoldering ashes. I am sure that there is a remedy - a pattern to follow and I will be able to recover. But I have no desire for such a remedy. No desire to follow a pattern. For I am the King of Short-cuts and I refuse to let myself assign a simple solve to my deeper questions and fears. So as I remain desperately confused, I am prone to believe that I am compeled to faith. I am no longer in control, and maybe the whole thing was a facade in the first place. My life is completely out of my own hands... but where I go from here seems bleak.



What is the future for me? To continue to live amidst hills and valleys of faithfulness and abandonment of God. I cannot even begin to find the words to explain how shallow and empty and "grey" that feels to me. I am at a religious school right now - one that does a better job than most at calling me to authentic holiness - but I feel like the best thing that I have going for me is the upcoming break. Than and maybe than, I will be able to recover and find rest for my wandering soul. Maybe I will recover my passion, but my spirit so highly doubts it!



Family and friends seem the closest to my true nature right now... and with the Christmas season around the corner, maybe I can live off the aroma for a couple weeks in January. But life seems so lifeless right now... and God is seen as being more than out of my own control. I am weak, I am miserable... and I feel like I am right where both the Father and the enemy want me. Hurting, lonely, lost, wounded... faithless, dependant, selfish, and scared.



FATHER... come meet me in my sense of "out of control"-ness!

.: commentary :.

Because of my "Reading Film" class, I have been watching those little bonuses that come on DVD's nowadays called... "Director's Commentary". For all of you who have ever wondered why they put those on DVD's, it's for film buffs and movie nerds like me. I am writing a paper on the style and filmography of Steven Soderbergh, so last night I forced myself to watch "Ocean's Eleven" with the "Director's Commentary", followed by watching it for a second time this afternoon for the "Actor's Commentary".



Now let me explain something to you! You objectively read these words and say to yourself, "Lucky! I wish all my homework was like that... just watching films all day!" But trust me... it is not as fun as it sounds. Yeah, it is interesting to pick up little insights behind a movie, but the handful of times that I have had to do it for notes, thoughts, and fodder for my papers, it has taken me twice the length of the movie itself. That is because I have to pause the DVD every 30 seconds just so I can write down everything the person just said. No, this is not an entertaining way to spend an evening by any means. BUT... that being said, I am learning alot and it is taking something I enjoy (watching movies) to a much deeper level... which allows me to appreciate them beyond their asthetic value ("pleasing to the eye").



And, like Soderbergh says, "If you want to learn something about filmmaking, watch the commentaries on DVD's!" Okay, I think I will from now on!

.: nothing is sacred :.

So as of yesterday, I have officially had my car broken into, not just once, but twice! And this time, the lousy bum got about 7 bucks in change. Welcome to Downtown Vancouver! And then to make it worse, just as my Christian Counseling class was about to begin, I overheard some guy talking about how car theft was a lost cause for the Vancouver police. You do not know just how frustrated and exposed that makes me feel. Frustrated because it was a radical invasion of privacy... and exposed because I cannot do a single thing to keep people from doing this to me in the future. Yes, I can park under a brighter light... and sure, I can lock my doors and leave nothing exposed. But beyond that, this is simply the kind of world that we live in. People care nothing for anyone, and that certainly includes their property, except for themselves. And if they have to steal from me to get what they want, they won't think twice.



So do I double bolt my car doors (do they even have that sort of thing?) or give the best car alarm that my meager student budget can buy (at least that will scare them off initially)? Or do I simply throw up my hands and declare the victory for the sake that I cannot do anything about it? I feel like my safety has been voided on a deeper level because the issue is not just about the car as much as it is keeping people from violating or robbing me of anything. Can I trust people not to do that to me in the future? The nature of this world... the nature of this society... says no!

.: the statement of sabbath :.

Living where I am at right now in life consists of the same processes and procedures pretty much everyday. Between classes to attend, notes to take, papers to write, videos to watch, and articles to review, I wake up each morning to begin - or better yet, continue - the same process as the day before. And from the looks of things, this will be my steady diet for the next three years.



That is why this past Sunday, I took a break. In the midst of the final month of studies for this quarter - a time in which things begin to grow more heated - I took a Sabbath. A break... a rest... a pause in the form of a period of time. Being ever so fitting that it happened to occur on the recognized Lord's Day, I did what I felt I needed to do... I sought rest through setting aside "life" as I had been experiencing it for the past six days.



What I found suprising enough was enough was people's reactions to my doing so. In the context of graduate school, even one with a spiritual focus such as Regent, to take a Sabbath is really not what I would see as being typical of one's particular week. And in the face of feeling lately that I wish that I could do it, rather than turning myself back over to the books and papers, I sought some rest. In my heart of hearts, as busy as I felt (or am made even to feel by everyone else's business), I made the statement with that rest that spoke to my soul at a deep level. The statement sounded something like, "This is not what you were created for; work, study, busyness. You were created as a whole being!" And through creating some space in my life in the form of a Sabbath, that statement was heard loud and clear.



You see, in my own life, I live in a world... I function in a society... that has a powerful and effective way of fragmenting me. By the end of my week, by the time Saturday evening rolls around, there are large chunks of me that have broken apart from the rest. That is not healthy... that is not how I was created to exist. So through a pause in my week, by simply not doing what consists of the habits that I have taken on in the form of graduate work, I took this past week and the one that I woke up into this morning... and I broke them apart. I gave my life a distinct "beginning" and a distinct "conclusion". In the past, it has been the "same old, same old". But having experienced Sabbath in some sense, I woke to a morning that spoke of a brand new day... not just a fuzzy blur in the midst of trying to survive this quarter.



I need such a pause in my life in order to remain a whole person. It is at the very foundation of my identity as a creation of God, patterned for me by the Creator Himself (Genesis 1 & 2). It is not His desire that I remain so busy, so focused on pushing ahead and slugging through my piles of homework, that I remain shattered and weary. Rest brings health. Rest brings life. Rest brings stability at a soul level. I want to be a whole person, and yesterday, to fully live out that desire, I sought a Sabbath so as to invite God to remain at the center of what "life" means for me right now... and not just busyness.

.: more isolation and independance :.

Maybe you are just reading the words of a man who desperately wants to become who God desires him to be… and yet longs to return home? Yes, home is definitely a place of comfort. Home is a place where a man has a name and is known by others. I just fear that we have exalted those who have left home at the cost of downplaying those who feel a commitment to their hometown. I agree – all people must leave home at one point in their life. But if someone is able to wrestle with God and find their own identity apart from others in the context of their home, are we justified in our denouncing their decision to stay home? There is something to be said for simply being where the Father leads you, which at a deeper level is ultimately to a place of permission and release and freedom. If someone can enter into that at home, we need to begin to honor that once again.



I am a man who needs others. I openly confess my inability to remain independent for a long length of time. I simply was not built that way… and I am quickly growing tired of hiding that fact from others. At one point, I was dependant upon my parents as a child. But even as a man, I still need family and friends. I need their love. I need their compassion. I need their acceptance. And “yes”… ultimately, I need them in a healthy balance to my call to follow Christ and receive (understand and embrace) my identity from the Father. (Therein lies the heart of the contention between the two positions that I am wrestling with.) How God does that is unique to everyone, apart from all other experiences in others. Just because He has done that for men in third world countries does not mean that it is any less powerful and personal in the midst of their hometown. We are built for real relationships with others, and those very relationships inherently tie us into the context in which they were first built. For me to remain free to leave means that I must be able to say I don’t need them. I simply cannot say that of everyone in my life, for God has placed people in my life beyond just a selfish use of them. And for me to enter into their life in authentic ways means that I must offer some ability to play a healthy role in their life and allow our relational natures to play their own role and create a reliance (though not in replacement of God, but only so far as it works towards greater fellowship with and faith in the Father) between us both.



The bigger issue is where we are at as “whole” people. And if moving away from home can bring a more healthy perspective (help us to see ourselves and God better), I certainly would advocate that. But I feel that we must guard against running away from anything or anyone. We must guard against letting our fears get the best of us and keeping us from the life that God is calling us to live. But God hasn’t called everyone to leave home… and that is His will! Who are we to simply interpret it so as to exalt leaving home as the highest place? For some men leave home to hide in the same way that some stay home to guard against what they fear. The deeper issue is where they are at internally rather than physically. We are all in journey. We are all in process. How dare we interpret one path as being the higher way of sorts!

.: isolation and independance :.

I am severely wrestling with the concept of strength in isolation and independence. The common myth of the day is that the person who needs nobody… who is dependant upon nothing and no one… has a strength that other people know nothing of. I am struggling with the fact that we exalt those who move away from their homes and make a new life in contrast to those who stay. I have been led to believe that there comes a day and age when a person must cut all ties and abandon everything and everyone (particularly family and hometown friends). And that if a person fails to do so, that somehow implies weakness, insufficiency, or immaturity.



It has been said that all people must leave home at a point in their youth and “come of age” at a place far away from home. But my point of contention is… what if the person gets to that place, sees who they are apart from everyone else (an identity drawn from themselves, their true nature and essence, and no one else), and then desires to return home? What do we make of such people? I fear that we label them as less than those who left home and never turned back. We have managed to glorify isolation. We have exalted the ability to not need anyone else. And that appears to me to be in direct opposition to our divine nature. Having been created in the image of the divine Trinity, an essence that exists within relationship to itself (Himself – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), our very nature is that of relationship. We were built to coexist with others, to build and enjoy real relationships. Didn’t God proclaim in the midst of creation that it was not good for man to be alone?



And yet in this day and age, we condemn dependence upon others. (I am speaking here of healthy dependence, and not that which steals our inherent need for dependence upon God) Don’t we truly need each other, or are we to keep an attitude where we cannot rely upon others for the sake of remaining autonomous? We praise those who manage to become self-sufficient, self-governing, and self-directed. As a follower of Christ, I have yet to enter into a day where I did not desperately need Christ! I need someone else… I need the Father. But even further, in that regard, are we (as the Church) not called to function together as the BODY of Christ? That Body cannot function with independent members, different Body parts, remaining and living autonomous from the rest of its members. I as a Christian – as a human being - simply cannot remain independent of everybody. Or is that the one exception to the rule? Is Christ the only one we can be dependant upon and the rest of society is available for less dependant relationships?



(more to come...)

.: i am back :.

Well, my break from school is over! Allow me to thank the genius, whoever he or she is, that came up with the concept of "Reading Week". I appreciated a week to play catch up, as well as get some work done in advance... oh, and to go to (cold & windy) Eastern Washington for a couple days... and to speak at a Junior High Retreat. Yeah sir, it was a busy one. Buuuuut... back to the "norm" now.



Side note: I freaked out this morning because I hadn't set the clock in my room back an hour so I thought that I had really overslept, instead of the normal amount of oversleeping.



I just wanted to post a quick note and let you now that, although I cannot post it today, there is an article of sorts that I wrote which I will post in the next couple days. But I need to study and read like crazy (to the point that I have to skip Monday Night Football - horror of horrors!) so for now, this is the only glimpse you get into my world for today. Have a great November and don't forget to vote! (I had to say that last part since it has become so doggone popular now.)