.: who cares :.

Relationships have a funny way of teaching you lessons about the extremities of life. One of the hardest things that I so often find myself confronted by is the internal anxiety I experience when someone I care about is either making poor decisions, or is immersed in some difficult situation. It is as if I am weighted down by some state of affairs that I didn't even have the pleasure of getting myself into. And in the attempts to try and relieve the tension that begins to build in me (in terms of wanting to do something, say something, change something, etc.), I have really found the best method to be to just stopping caring. It really is that simple! That other person loses the ability to tug upon my heartstrings by me simply resolving to not be concerned with their situation or place in this world. You see, as soon as I choose to no longer care about the circumstances of another individual, it is no longer my problem. I no longer have to bear the pressure that comes with that specific situation. I can escape any and all resulting inner turmoil by cutting all ties with them relationally (in terms of limiting their ability to cause me to suffer by their actions and condition). By doing that, I deliberately choose to no longer make it my problem.

So a member of my family wants to head down a path that I know has all kinds of warnings about its consequences, but he chooses to ignore them and continue blazing his newfound trail (this is for the sake of illustration - I am not speaking of a real situation here). I don't have to let him emotionally drag me down that path with him by pulling my interests out of that whole situation, and allowing my deepest concerns to grow numb for the sake of saving myself any grief. My close friend finds herself at a point in her life where by her subsequent choices, or even her general demeanor, begins to wound me in ways beyond describing. I can find a quick solution by deciding in my heart to just not allow her that privilege of cutting me so deep by creating a space between her actions and my response through deadening that part of me that was built to care about others. And the methods of such emotional anesthetizing come in all sorts of forms, whether through actual objects (drugs, alcohol, exercise, food, movies, sex, etc. - just take your pick!), or even inward attitudes and rash commitments made towards such ends (feelings that form phrases like "I could not care less", or "She is on her own", or "Who gives a rip? It won't affect me!"). In fact, the phrase that so often slips from the lips of well-meaning Christians is "I will pray for you!" Even this glib adage allows us at times to separate ourselves from the situations of others.

To be honest with you, there are days, weeks, even months, where such alternatives to bearing such emotional weight feels so tremendously tempting, especially because it keeps me safe and protected. I can keep myself out of harm's way (at least that which "life" so often seems to dump on me) by walking away from the problems of others. And how could anyone even blame me, for I have problems of my own to deal with? But can I do it? Can I choose to not let the weaknesses of others sway my own disposition by restraining my desire to be relationally vulnerable towards them? The only fundamental problem with this whole "plan of escape" lies at the very heart of what it means to be a part of the Body of Christ. The only thing keeping me from embracing such a "careless" approach towards others is because of what it means for me to have put on the "new self" (Ephesians 4:24). The writer of Galatians calls us in 6:2 to "carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (i.e., what God is after in the long run). And the whole point of this is not because I necessarily owe it to that person, but essentially it is because this is the very thing I have been called to do as a Christian.

Christ tells us that the greatest tool of evangelism that we have as His followers is that of love. And what greatest expression of love is there then to share a load with someone else that we find to be crushing them? Needless to say, this is especially tricky when the person being overwhelmed (or even facing eventual crushing) doesn't want our help. But even (read: especially) in these situations, the most powerful thing that we can offer is something greater than just words shouted from a distance; it is ourselves. We must stand the risk of incredible pain and a sense of sorrow if we are to ever offer others loving comfort and sustaining hope. We all face test and trials of various depths and costly results, and that is the very reason why we must be committed to caring for each other. None of us is alone in this journey we call "life". We have been beckoned to become servants and supporters to each other. May God allow us as to be given over to such a way of relating and living, in which we choose to not abandon each other midway through the adventure that we set out on the day we were born!

.: summer staffers :.

Here is a picture of our Summer Staff, which I am serving with for the summer! Don't ask me why I am flashing the gang signs. I am sure someone from the Eastside is going to hunt me down and bust a cap in me. The other 3 people on my right are the other Staff counselors (Mike, Megan, and Kate). What is interesting about this picture is that it is the first time in about 60+ years that they have had to shoot it inside a building because... IT WAS RAINING OUTSIDE! Goodbye, Washington... hello, California? Hope the weather doesn't stay like this forever (it's continually foggy around here in the mornings and early afternoons).

The MH 2005 Summer Staff

.: up to something :.

I am beginning to learn that this camp draws people of all types. So far, I have run into the typical outdoorsy type, the alternative randomly dressed type, the "jock Christian" type, the all-around funny guy type, the strict personality sapped type, the BMOC (big man on campus) type, the shy quiet type, the "everybody's friend" type, and the average Joe who I seem to gravitate towards myself. This experience is throwing curves daily, and I find myself strangely lost and confused in the midst of them, asking God time and time again, "What are You thinking? What are You doing? What are You up to?". My heart aches for the people that I see to be heading into potential problems (with other summer staff, with the job they will be working, with the cliques that are rooted in even this place, etc.). I feel surrounded by people, many of whom, I feel like I cannot trust. Most of these people are not like me, and that seems to leave me in a restless place of heart and mind. These people need something that will allow them to embrace people of every kind (odd, weird, nerdy, awkward, geeky, quiet, silly, etc.) - ultimately, that being Christ. These people need Christ. All of them. I have very few people that I feel like I can be myself around, leaving the rest to keep me at arm's length because of my leadership position (apparently, that makes me someone who upholds the rules, and typically no one likes the person who does that). That alone bothers me on a level deeper than I can even begin to explain. There are all these cliques, and in all honesty, even the Staff Counselors (like me) have our own group. But it breaks my heart that just by the natural establishment of this crazy thing called "community", we are all given a place and told to stay there (no one is allowed to cross over, and many would never choose to do so). Yes, even this place bears witness to the Great Fall of Humanity, what with it's people who honestly could not care less about the spiritual emphasis of this place. We are just thrown together and told to exist - that and that alone bothers me! And what might be my place in all of this? How can I be used by God to bring about a shift, a change, a sway, a course correction? Nothing. Nothing but stand and watch. Nothing but stand and watch and pray. Nothing but stand and watch and pray and trust. The greatest thing that I can do is trust God and have enough faith in Him to believe that He is doing something beautiful and creative and heart-impacting and life-changing.


Me and the other Summer Staff

.: whatever happens :.

I am well into my training as a Staff Counselor at Mount Hermon, and needless to say, I am super excited about what is going to happen this summer, as well as anticipating those moments that happen in the midst of relationships and opportunities for ministry and fellowship. I am amazed at the fact that I have been called to serve here for the summer, but know full well that God has been preparing me for times such as these. There is a confidence and strength that I know has come only from the Father. I have the opportunity to be a blessing and encouragement to others, as well as receive such from those all around me. The people here are great and there is a spirit and vision to this place that is thrilling to discover and get behind. We divided up the people that we will be in charge of today, so I am eagerly dreaming up events and things that I can do to motivate these summer staffers in such a way that they are consistently reminded of why they have given up a summer to do camping ministry.


This is the dorm that I am in charge of...

Philippians 1:27 keeps ringing in my head: "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." What greater cause is there to play a role in then the furthering of the gospel of love and grace? I have the privilege of daily participating in the conversations that the Spirit of God is having with each of these individuals here at the camp - that thought alone seems to feel so exhilarating! Through offering who I am to this place, I have the chance to impact people... to be used by God to mold hearts and minds... to engage and enter into conversations that will potentially shift and redirect other people's lives. And in and through all of this, I myself stand the chance to be radically impacted and challenged and changed. That is the gist of what the summer feels and sounds like right now. The summer staff arrives on Sunday and Monday, so please continue to be praying for me! And as for my MV peeps, I miss you all and know that you too are supporting me over the next 3 months through intercession and vocal encouragement from time to time (need I remind you that I love email, though in all honesty I cannot promise you much in return).

.: finally here :.

After the horrendous rain the whole way throughout Washington and Oregon (during which I was confronted with various bouts of feeling like I was staring death in the face by simply being on those roads), I am finally here in Santa Cruz. The internet at this motel sucks big time so I better sign off... but I wanted to let you all know I am finally in California for my 3 month stint at Mt. Hermon Conference Center. Please pray for me!


Hanging at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk