.: only scratching the surface :.

Kelly and I are a week away from heading back east to Toronto to see one of my closest Regent friends get married. While we are there, we are going to spend a little time exploring the area, as well as a couple days and nights at Niagara Falls. This will be a first for both of us! I have seen almost none of the world's famous landmarks, so I am excited to get to check this one off my list of many. Summer is going far quicker than any of us could have hoped for. The weather has been great, though it has made for a warm condo and only a couple fans in the evenings (I guess that's just the curse of having a sliding glass door that faces the sun in the afternoons). Time feels so fleeting sometimes. You wake up, follow the routine, get what feels like a couple moments together with loved ones, your head hits the pillow, only to repeat the whole thing hours later. One of things that I have found enjoyable is Kelly's temporary break from school. It has provided time for longer lunches together, space in our weekly schedule for more adventures, and less overall stress (both perceived and communicated). At times, I feel surrounded by blessings beyond full recognition. So I take time as best as I can to breathe in every moment, for around the corner is a couple more classes that will demand my full attention if I want to finish off strong. Certain fears have been trying to take hold of my heart, but I refuse to let them steal my joy and hope for the future. As so many summers gone by, this one has been unique, offering pleasures that I never expected. My mind has been recently noting the shift of many relationships in my life, only to simply say that they are different now. My past breaks through every once in a while, often in unguarded moments. The view is not what I was expecting from here, though not without previous warnings. Not bad by any means... just different! All this to say that I am looking forward to boarding that plane seven days from now and taking hold of the final break before the cold reality revisits us both. May we not find that it comes at us too fast to not be able to soak up all of our surroundings and the company that comes with every one!

.: learning to let go :.

"Believe as I believe, no more, no less; That I am right, and no one else, confess; Feel as I feel, Think only as I think; Eat what I eat, and drink but what I drink; Look as I look, Do always as I do; Then, and only then, Will I fellowship with you."

Are you and I in the habit of letting others go? Are we practicing the art of letting others off the hook? Are we teaching ourselves to always be setting others free from our own unsaid obligations? Every one of us has a way in which we subtly fashion debts that we believe we are owed by people all around us. Some way or another, we find a way to place certain requirements upon others. And until they meet those certain requirements, we withhold our hearts and fellowship from them. The problem for many of us is that we care too much about what others think. By doing so, we give them more than enough weight to use against us to get what they so selfishly want. Every single one of us has a good idea of how life ought to be lived, most often times according to a certain set of rules. Unfortunately, none of our rules line up perfectly with those of everyone else.

Therein lies the rub, for we as human creatures have a habit of placing the expectations that we have for ourselves upon others. And when they fail to live up to that standard, we hold them in our grip by means of our attitudes and expressions. We even go so far as to gather those around us who think just like us, providing the comfort of thinking that life as we know it is within our control. But then someone outside the circle soon goes beyond what we deem as acceptable, and our way of life suddenly feels threatened at its very core (for if they do not live like we do, they must inherently be wrong... or so we think). Someone we know fails to come through for us as we were hoping, and we begin to subtly look down upon him or her. We fashion within our hearts how a person ought to act, and then we hold that model before others as the pinnacle of existence. And for those that fall short, we pride ourselves on the fact that we succeed where they supposedly fail.

It is a scary thing to allow a system or preconceived idea to dictate how we treat those who do not take our same ideals to heart. When we choose to remain rigid towards that person, we have crossed a boundary. When we deem someone immature because of a choice that they have made, we have placed ourselves as the judge concerning their motives. When we seek to coerce someone into a manner of behaving that is somehow foreign to them, we have determined their life to be secondary to our own existence. In essence, when we do such things, we take away that person's freedom to be who they choose to be. We force them to live according to our own standards rather than living according to how God has created them. We write off their ability to dictate for themselves what is right and wrong, and we push our own agenda upon them so that we might feel justified. In moments such as these, it is less about them doing what is right than it is about you being proven right before other.

Ask yourself about the last time you sold a certain point to someone with the words, "I would do the same thing for you." That is nothing less than guilt and shame. If you do not do what I think you ought to do, then you are constrained by me to feel a particular amount of guilt for your "wrong choice". Do you and I even understand how we are voiding a person's call to a liberated life whenever we limit them to one lived by our own definition? Every one of us is tight in some areas and loose in others. And in the midst of our scrutinizing your sister or brother over a few choice issues, we need to comprehend the reality that not one of us has a corner on the truth and how to live according to it. We have been set free from the law of sin and death, and invited to live in that freedom by means of the Father's grace. How we treat others is either an expression of that freedom, or evidence of our choosing to live under a different set of laws.

Never once are we called to the role of making others holy. Rather we are called to love them wherever they are at, with the hope that we might be able to somehow enter into the conversation that continues on between them and the Spirit of God. But for us to continue on as spiritual fruit inspectors demonstrates how it is in our nature as fallen creatures to turn even our faith in God into something by which we might gain an advantage over others. When we identify such differences in the lives of others in contrast to our own, we ought to rejoice in the freedom that that other person experiences in their own life, rather than working to stomp it out. All of us are in process. Every one of us is hopefully in route towards becoming more fully human. And for many of us, part of our journey is spent learning how to move deeper into our relationships. As far as the Kingdom of God is concerned, we never have been able to afford the cost of isolating others from genuine fellowship for the sake of selling our system of so-called living through manipulation.

.: never beyond His hand :.

I think we all have experienced moments of incredible despair. We all have faced situations in which we feel completely desolated. We have felt abandoned by anything and anyone that might offer even a glimmer of hope. There has been that one thing that suddenly left us feeling trapped, and the only way to get free was to do something to solve the whole puzzle. And is it even reasonable for us to expect even one other soul to see or feel that thing that no one else seems to? Though this body is a temple, something it can feel like nothing less than a prison cell, with this earthly life presenting itself as a life sentence. If we are honest with ourselves, to even say a word to anyone else only leaves that friend or family member feeling like their hands are tied. Are we not the ones that are to have some sort of eternal hope? Yet so often it rings hollow when confronted by a soul that feel desperate to find any certain reason for living. We can call it foolish thinking. We can condemn it as a lack of common sense. We can even expose their self-centered thinking for what it truly is. But when that fellow soul is asking for an explanation, and when they are confronted by deeply rooted pain, all we can do is weep with them at any and every level possible.

We must realize that the hope in our own life makes all the sense in the world to us, but there is something keeping them from embracing it in like manner. Below the surface of it all is a lie, or even a whole series of them, that they have been convinced of. These lies are the ones that cheapen true meaning and genuine expectations. They tell the soul that delight is found only in the passions that we believe to be the highest. They drive the soul beyond its means, only to rebuke it when it finally gives out and gives up. What I am suggesting is that we have all been there. So how does one soul that bears the scars of hopelessness from years past speak to another soul whose path has led them into similar despair? What words or images do we use to open their eyes to the world that is truly alive all around them? How do we carry their burdens for the time being, until they can recapture their wits and senses and continue on as they were before?

There are situations that absolutely strip people of any and every cause for continuing on. It begs them to throw their arms up and admit defeat, only the kind of defeat that it suggests is one in which you never recover. The Enemy steps in and captures our hearts through humiliation and shame, giving the terms by which we might internally crucify ourselves. We would not even stand a chance against His agenda were it up to us alone. But on the other side of experiencing such realities is the certainty that we were never created to hold the life of another individual in the palm of our hands. Our will, as earnest and passionate as it may be, is divorced from the decisions of everyone around us. We can point the way. And try as we might, we can attempt to drag that other person. But we cannot force another human soul to go where they have no desire to be led. If they choose to not see, we cannot make them see.

Yet this is the very issue that weighs me down, for so often a person's inability to see does not derive internally. Sometimes they are not ready to embrace the truth, for something has defiled their perspective and they do not see things as they truly are (though so often things are not only as they might appear). So what is the word that we might extend to them, beyond a word of life? We were fashioned for the sort of life that is worth living, one that reaches beyond itself and is built up amidst deep fellowship. We need each other if we intend to complete the journey that remains before us. We need people that will pry below the surface and not settle for patterned responses when the situation calls for it. We need souls that care enough to dig deeper and not refuse to follow-up even the faintest cry for help. We do not need to be fully understood, but we do need to feel loved and be given the chance to love in return. The Enemy would have us to be so clouded by our own hurt and resentment that we cannot partner with that person next to us. But we cannot give up offering the hope that has carried us thus far; the hope of a world that will one day be renewed, as well as our own hearts and lives. This pain that we now feel is only temporary. Yet no matter how deeply it roots itself, it will never reach beyond the caring and curing hand of our Father, who allows all things for our maturity and confidence.

.: damaged by departures :.

Is the promise of a friendship even a reasonable expectation anymore? How can we commit to remaining in fellowship with another soul whose destiny we have no control over? To even think that our proximity is manageable is a farce. Yet for so long, I have fought to keep almost every friend that I have discovered along life's pathway. I did as best I could to take the reins of our future and work things out so that the distance wouldn't cost us what we once held so dear. But I guess as I have listened to my heart this past year, I am learning that what I have struggled to do has been the equivalent of trying to hold a handful of sand. Try to hold your hand flat and steady, but it still manages to leak out little bits at a time. Squeeze your palm with all your strength... and you only succeed in losing even more. I am not speaking of burning relational bridges, for that bears internationality. My heart aches for the friendships that fall by the wayside as the years so cruelly pass us by. And for those who have perceived themselves as the only one fighting to keep intimate alliances alive, you must agree that we soon grow tired and frustrated in the face of feeling crushed under such burdens.

Well, I guess it has taken 30 years for me to discover that we are the ones who so often place such burdens there. Therefore lifting our hearts up and out from under them comes as easy as committing ourselves rather to something else. I suggest that instead of bearing a weight that we were never meant to endure, we free ourselves up by appreciating friendships throughout the time that they appear. But once we are separated by space and time, we both glory in what once was and hope for what will be on into the future. History has proved this true in my own life as someone who refuses to take relationships lightly. But all attempts to "keep things going" have been in vain and closeness soon turns to resentment when we do not feel like that other soul partners with us in doing the same. Part of me screams out against what appears to be my choosing to no longer care. However the deeper part of me sees this decision for what it is, recognizes my own human limitations, and rejoices because of all that is good. One of those good elements is my ability to still care for another person beyond our failure at "keeping in touch". We are parted for a period of time that we can never have power over. But should we ever be reunited, there remains a foundation that can be brushed off and redeveloped (even remodeled as the case may be between certain friends).

Come to think of it, this is exactly the sort of thing that touches upon how my heart longs for heaven. I long for friendships without boundaries or restraints. I eagerly await the endless years of never having to utter the words "goodbye". And when I stop to consider it, I suppose that is precisely the thing that make marriage so desirable, for it is the closest we can ever come to finding a friendship that escapes such social limitations. We all are marked with the scars of having close friends ripped out of our lives. The same thing used to shatter our worlds as children. I guess we have only learned to live with such pain as we have grown more and more used to its presence in our lives. But I still do not know what to do with the growing tendency within me to always prepare for such inevitable disintegration. It is almost as if I refuse to be hurt anymore by losing the presence of those who have been so close to me. I refuse to let my emotions be wasted away any longer by having allies stolen from me by situations we may never have expected. I would far rather rejoice in those who are in my life at any given moment, all the while extending them the liberty of no longer being there in the unseen tomorrows. Truth be told, it was never their desire to lose our friendship as well. But life has a way of weaving our paths together with souls that we care so deeply about. And as we mature, we become accustomed to that very pattern of unity and separation that makes up the whole of what it means to be human.

.: an absense of the essence :.

The Son of God came that we might be set free - not so we might be forced into another manner of oppression. Yet there is a wisdom without love that exists within so many of us. There is a wisdom without love that has cost us more than we may ever know. There is a wisdom without love that causes some to see themselves as kings, when all the while they are paupers. There is a wisdom without love that draws clear lines according to traditions and comfort. There is a wisdom without love that allows us to think that we are justified in doing so. There is a wisdom without love that has prepared us for self-destruction. There is a wisdom without love that fashions our words with sharp edges. There is a wisdom without love that prompts actions that bear diminishing results. There is a wisdom without love that clothes us with a vanity that everyone but us can so clearly see. There is a wisdom without love that divides our beliefs from authentic life. There is a wisdom without love that teaches us to shelter ambitions that are centered only in ourselves. There is a wisdom without love that uses theology to bring people into line rather than set them free. There is a wisdom without love that raises the concept of knowledge above that of relationships. There is a wisdom without love that drains all sense of passion out of genuine love. There is a wisdom without love that renders faith a heartless function. There is a wisdom without love that lives according to regulations. There is a wisdom without love that prides itself on maintaining every last rule. There is a wisdom without love that works every angle to advance its occupant. There is a wisdom without love that puffs itself up and struts amongst those whom threaten it the most. There is a wisdom without love that tears apart close fellowship. There is a wisdom without love that cares more for being right than for speaking to another heart. There is a wisdom without love that thrives upon rumor and reputation rather than character and purity. There is a wisdom without love that throws caution to the wind. There is a wisdom without love that rolls over others on its way to fulfilling its agenda. There is a wisdom without love that intends to rule over others. There is a wisdom without love that sees submission as weakness. There is a wisdom without love that exposes all faults but the ones that lay within the exposer. There is a wisdom without love that prides itself upon the wounds that it provokes. There is a wisdom without love that is determined to dominate its neighbor. There is a wisdom without love that uses any and every advantage that it holds over another. There is a wisdom without love that uses thoughts and opinions as a form of judgment and power. There is a wisdom without love that hides itself behind religious jargon. There is a wisdom without love that foolishly thinks one's context to be everyone else's. There is a wisdom without love that is deeply biased. There is a wisdom without love that preaches only the policies that it sees as fit. There is a wisdom without love that refuses to see or move beyond oneself. There is a wisdom without love that crushes out all sense of life, joy, and freedom within others that Christ intended to inhabit our lives. For the souls who pride themselves on having it all right and all together are so often the very ones who have missed the essence of the gospel of grace.

.: reasons to hear :.

The reason we come together is to hear the Story told again and again. We must be reminded of our past. We must recall all that has led up to this day in which we live. We sit and, as children, we listen to the tales of history. By means of the preacher, we are invited to remember our past, present, and glorious future. She or he brings to mind the variety of reasons why we are who we are, and all that binds us together as the family of God. Their words call us once again into action, nurturing lives that demonstrate the Gospel that we first received ourselves. The Story is brought once more before us so that it might continue to take deeper hold of our lives. We are made reminiscent of the kind of love that we ought to have towards one another, as well as the grace that makes that even possible. A space is created in which we can see, if for only moments at a time, how our own stories intertwine with our sisters and brothers in Christ. The eyes of our hearts are opened all over again to the purpose of our lives. We hear one more time the invitation to take part in the Kingdom of God as it becomes a greater reality upon this earth. We hear one more time of the freedom that is now ours because of the work of Christ, accomplished on our behalf. Our joining together in that building or gymnasium or chapel marks over and over again how those who were once His enemies have now become His beloved bride because of His resurrection. In the same way, we too are reminded of our own rebirth. In that place of confession and praise, we come together in such a way that we draw fellow souls back into fellowship with the Father, as well as with each other. We do it so that we are given reasons to not lose hope, to not grow disappointed, nor to wander away from the new life that we have received. Yes, there are days when it sounds far too familiar. Yet there are also days in which we hear such news as if for the first time, with new ears that work to awaken dying hearts. Through hearing the numerous stories that make up the grand Story, we see how the streams of our lives run in like fashion to those that once walked with our Savior. We receive comfort in the face of acknowledging our own failures as we see the similar failures of so many of those whom we call heroes. We receive direction in the midst of frequent voices that bid us to play it safe, to satisfy our own needs, and to fight for our own rights. And we receive a clearer vision for the Father's Kingdom in contrast to our own kingdoms that are quickly fading. There is new life that comes to us in the spaces where the Story is told to us. It is breathed into us through every inward recollection of the roles that have already played out, ones that encourage us to live out our own that much more fervently. The preacher faithfully jogs our memory (for that is his or her role) and we are reminded that our lives are not our own, that they have been bought at such a great price. There is power in the words that we receive. There is the call to great expectations that will in fact not be disappointed in the future. The years of our lives make sense once again. And once again we enter back into the mission field, each of us carrying the Story in our own words to those among whom we work, play, and live. That which we have received stands ready to be offered to those whom the Father has been preparing to share in the Story themselves.