.: unrequited :.

One broke my heart.
One could not make up her mind.
One was more concerned with appearances.
One did not share my beliefs.
One thought that we would be best to keep things simple.
One played coy as if there was nothing going on.
One let me hang myself on my own words.
One missed my heart by a million miles.
One was too nervous to ask.
One staked her claim on a maybe.
One simply wasted my time.
One stole time from me.
One was not ready to fall.
One made me wish that I was not so brave.
One refused to ever be tied down.
One hid behind the facade of virtue.
One was too afraid of losing it all.
One saw it as a subtle compromise.
One turned down the chance to believe in me.
One did not think that it was a good idea.
One could not bear the weight.
One buried me in my own regrets.
One just did not feel like it any more.
One behaved like a child.
One lied when she said that this was forever.
One was thrown off by what it possibly suggested.
One quietly backed away.
One quickly ran away.
One was drawn by the fun and games.
One kept us from any and all clarity.
One could not see beyond the surface.
One claimed to be the genuine article.
One was caught up in the eyes of another.
One simply could not find the words.
One taught me to mistrust love.
One hid herself behind all of the tears.
One was caught off guard.
One had a lousy sense of timing.
One could not find the strength to say what she needed to say.
One was too weak and simply let go.
Than one more came, one that I was not prepared for.
Than one more came, one that I had foolishly overlooked and taken for granted.
Than one more came, one that responded amidst a world of fear and silence.
Than one more came... and turned my world upside down.
Than right side back up, the way that things were meant to be.

.: weakness in numbers :.

For years I have been someone who found comfort in the company of those that thought like me. Today I want to be someone that any soul could bear itself to. The past is filled with days of rubbing shoulders with those that stood in the very places that I longed to be. But today I wake to find myself wrestling with the desire to remain in the place where all can come. My fears have been motivated by not having the right answers, but today I choose to no longer hold so tightly onto the thought that the truth could fit in the grip of one man. For good reason or for nothing at all, I have resisted walking the paths that might confront me with the very things that unsettle my reassurance. I guess that it has only succeeded in making me that much more unsure of the validity of all such supposed righteousness. So as for today, I will stay here with those that leave me with little to say. I will stand with those that I have been taught to resist. And though we are not the same, we are not as different as I once thought. Where was it that a human being forgot how to treat another humanly? Grace has been the last thing on our hearts and minds for far too long. When will I finally come to the place of resigning myself to being who I truly am? When will I no longer expect anything better than the best that I have to give? As it was once said, it is hard to put down the whip that we have driven ourselves with for so long. Maybe it all begins with forgiving ourselves for failing anyone at all. But I want with all my soul to leave this place of thinking that my feet will never find solid ground amidst the need for greater faith. Heartless obedience is not for me to demand of another. All I can do is ask them to seek alongside of me, no longer looking for ways to fit in with all the rest. No question, I am who I am because of how the mercy of Christ has been granted to me. But I am not in a solitary position of having arrived, nor am I able to expect the salvation of others to not be in stark contrast to my own. Because of grace, I do not need to fear questions, any and all. But even more, my not having the necessary answer at any and every moment is not some sort of failure on my part. So I need not fear the company of all souls, the men and women that surround me with pain indescribable that has caused questions unfathomable. It is not as easy as it might seem to make out the reasons for avoiding certain people at times. But above and beyond the possibility of being shamed is the occasion to simply be who I am, to offer what I can, and to be open and honest about the very things that separate me from my Savior. I want to learn to move beyond the perception that I need someone to simply believe a set doctrine, with the hopes of being able to bear witness as one of so many souls that have been set free. That reality makes me no greater than the soul that remains in bondage, for grace cannot be afforded by even the noblest of efforts. I am simply in a place where I risk my reputation for something far less fragile. To remove myself from the fear of being proven wrong seems to have all kinds of liberating repercussions. Maybe my words can be used to move both them and me along even one step further in our journeys towards wholeness. And maybe they can be just words that are not ready to be received. But I long to be removed from the kinds of fears that play right into the hands of the Enemy who longs to prove all believers as nothing more than hopeless romantics of a makeshift primitive deity. In humble honesty, I can help another soul in process, as well as be helped by them in return. To love in tangible ways seems to move us beyond the danger that is so often found in mistaken assumptions about another person. But within that love must be the truth or it is simply fear refashioned as something other than its true identity. Therein lays the tension of being who we have been called to be as those in Christ, surrounded by those that reject everything that has to do with Him for some reason or another. Our hearts must remain committed to loving them rather than acting upon the impulse to promptly remove all their reasons and excuses.