.: burden as life :.

Why we didn't catch it any sooner than this is beyond me. All I know now is that this is not healthy for us to be living like this. In fact, this isn't even living. It is more like survival, just barely keeping our lips above the waves of tasks to be done that crash over us. Something in my soul has never allowed me to settle down and bear under this weight. Rather, it has been crying out for release, for more help and a deeper sense of our future. Everything can be accomplished if we will continue to focus on His strength and ability to bring us through this. And I am more sure than many others that this will serve to make us into what He desires us to become. But this gradual disintegration of grace and peace in our lives is setting off all kinds of alarms, and only now do I have the ears to hear them. I think God may finally be offering insight into entering that new context of understanding the climate of these events. We assume the kind of busyness that this world exalts, but it is costing us both intimacy and rest. Tiredness seems to be the closest thing to our hearts, but they cannot thrive and grow if we allow them to remain there, in such an absense of faith and hope.

Why have we been allowing ourselves to stay planted in this spirit of restlessness? If we keep up our obedience to such demands, we will miss out on the joy of seeing Him work beyond ourselves. Where is our faith in times such as these? Is there anything more typical of our everyday lives? Yet we are more prepared to excuse it as temporary and part of our current path. Would we really confess that He was not prepared for what laid around the bend? He can give us that rest if we would only hold out for such, and refuse to be satisfied with our enslavement to such elements. This is a natural part of our createdness. We are defined as those who have been made for that kind of space in our lives, a space that the world only seeks to despise and remove. Does our fullness really lie in the accomplishment of everything that we have exalted to such a high place in our lives? Needless to say, that is a scary place to continue within. We feel burdened because we are burdened. And we do ourselves a tremendous disservice when we create excuses for living like this.

This Father we know is one who longs to have us daily experience His presence as the Prince of Peace. Our worthiness does not lie in staying busy, becoming more efficient, or remaining engaged in elements that demand more of us than is appropriate. We must see how we are collapsing under this burden of busyness, this weight of "getting it all done". Life does lie beyond our success or failure. And maybe we would be better off to watch it crush us so that He might restore us to where we once were. Being still and acknowledging His divinity means that we intentionally find calmness in our days. Maybe we are just allowing ourselves to be caught up in the in-between, amidst our journey from here to there. We will reach where we headed out for, no question about that. And maybe it won't be everything we were hoping for, though I imagine the beauty will come through in the incidentals of it's unfolding. But we simply cannot allow it to rob from us the pleasure of our fellowship and love.

We will repeat back to one another that it will all get done. We will see time and again that we will make it through - not just survive, but find deeper roots on the other side. And this too will bear the fingerprints of His leading and fashioning within us the image of His Son. But to do that, we must lay down the burdens we have embraced at the times that call to us, and enter into the places in which we find His glorious restoration. This is, after all, the last place that we would want to lose sight of His control over Creation!

.: the way it should have gone :.

Time is rarely ever on our side. We claim that we would do so much more if only we had the daylight and initiative to pull it off. Some of our best intentions get traded away for lesser opportunities, and we come to the end of the day feeling like it was squandered. How can we hope for so much, yet so often give ourselves over to some of the most classic distractions of life? We leap out of bed on the waves of doing something grand, only to watch it be diminished to crossing off some of the lines on our "to do" list. Oh, to be great! But doesn't greatness have something to do with the use of the hours and days that are given to us? Our lives certainly will not make the front page on a daily basis. But is it too much to hope for a sense of deep satisfaction as we place our heads on the pillow each evening? I would hope that I could regularly find the peace that comes with completion. Rather, I keep coming away with the feeling that I have so much left in me as the sun fades behind the hills by my home. That fullness that lies within me feels as if it has barely been drawn from. Where might I find the proof that I am making the best out of what I have been given? My heart longs to be invested in a work that will stretch beyond the years of my own presence on earth. The prayers of each day pour from my anticipation that this day will be something unique, in which I will discover something profound, or be used to lead someone else to such. But the days that play themselves out feel like they would have me to be a side character to a far bigger drama than my own life, living, and end. Maybe that sense of fulfillment would be better found by the confirmation in my own soul that I remained faithful for one more period of time. Maybe I can find far more stillness in my soul in the realization that instead of my being able to pull off something grand, something grand is happening all around me... and I have the unfathomable privilege of taking part in it in so much as I desire. And maybe this calls for drawing upon those far deeper, more divine desires that cry within my heart to be satisfied. All I know is this: the day that presents itself before me at dawn is an invitation to live more fully in the reality of God's Kingdom entering into our world and fashioning it into what it once was. I am called into living within that space, as are you!

.: questions of completeness :.

I often find myself questioning my own completeness as an individual. What more would it take to be a "better me"? What exactly is that image impressed upon my soul? And even more, what (or who) is informing that ideal of who it is that I aim to be? What does the accomplishment of perfection even feel like? I doubt I could ever find someone to speak to such a completed event in his or her own life. I just know that deep within my heart, something keeps itself busy with the task of always informing me of how I continually come up short. The reality is that I am surrounded with men and women in the same predicament, though every one of us has silently committed at some level to never letting anyone catch on to that truth at work in their own souls. Everyone keeps coming up short, in so far as we compare ourselves to the latest and greatest. Faults, failures, fears, and frustrations. They all bear themselves as markers of our movement towards what we might hope to be. Or are they witnesses to our being made in the image of the Son? I long to find the rest that comes with knowing that I am fully who He intended me to be. That perfecting work bears a weight upon me that I could not survive on my own. I long to be complete, and live a life that yearns for wholeness. We all can sense that ache within our hearts even now. The only thing that separates you from me is what we have chosen to do with that throbbing pain. Compensation is the easy way out, the way that will silence the feelings that woo us away from obedience. Unfortunately, we have succeeded in disconnecting holiness from happiness, preaching that we can either choose one or the other. When did we first fail to see that to place our hope fully in the Father, and to live as residents of His eternal Kingdom, was the place of what stands as our greatest source of enduring joy? The truth remains that only He can satisfy us fully. Those ever-deepening gaps, those missing pieces, those places that I work so hard to make up for - those are the very spaces that the Son of God longs to fulfill and bring meaning to. He truly is more than enough for me. And when I choose to remain in Him, resting in His work and in His presence, I am complete. I am full. I am whole. What was once shattered has been restored. The story of my tarnished glory concludes in divine completion, something that I could never undo. It is not a girl. It is not a job. It is not achievement. It is not resourcefulness. It is not human strength or a title by which to exalt myself. It is the person of Jesus Christ. He and He alone restores us to what we were intended to be at the dawn of Creation. Thank God, it isn't left up to me. I seem to only succeed at making a larger mess!

.: the price of wholeness :.

Forgiven. Cleansed by His blood for the pardon of our sins. What does that mean? That means that Death no longer has its hold over me. I have been forgiven. Released from the debt of my selfish living. He has done away with the record of my wrongs. Before Him, I am clean. Forgiven. No longer am I a condemned man before a Holy God. He has set me free and continually calls me into that freedom. The Cross has shattered the Old Law. Having never possessed what it would require to keep that Law, He has fulfilled it on my behalf and I am seen as pure. What does that mean? That means that Satan can no longer control me. I am no longer his rightful possession. He no longer holds any claim over my life. Forgiven. Forgiven and invited to come share in fellowship with the Triune God. And the shame that keeps me from entering into that, that also has been dealt with by Christ. Any sense of feeling it linger in my heart is either by my own volition, or comes from the Enemy of my soul. The life I live was once one that was held in dark bondage. But Christ has undone the chains that held me there. I am forgiven, once and for all. Past, present, and future. The things that I openly acknowledge, as well as the things that would cost me dearly should they ever be exposed. But even in that instance, the cost is a temporary one of losing face and tarnishing my reputation. In terms of eternity, I am one who has been prepared to receive what only the Son could provide. In the eyes of my Father, I bear a righteousness that is like unto that of Christ. I am soon to be a recipient and resident of the Kingdom of God. My life is no longer my own - the one in which I did what I wanted, and proceeded to entrench myself in sinful habits. But not only have my external words and actions been forgiven, but I no longer bear the heart I once had. I am a new creature, vindicated by my Loving Creator. Having once been damned, my whole being has been restored. His Spirit is bringing me more fully each day into the reality of what was accomplished on my behalf at Calvary. Hallelujah!

.: heart offerings :.

Though I have been feeling overwhelmed in a way that I haven't for some time, I am trying to remain faithful to certain commitments that I have made, one of them being this blog. My head right now is crying out to get busy and stay on task and accomplish what remains on my mental list of things to do. But my heart is drawn to this place, to offer what is here and now alive within me. I cannot help but be encouraged as I consider the many things in my life that I ought to be thankful for. A life that is constantly viewed through a darkly negative lens soon runs dry. And lest I feel the waters of my soul dwindle down to a trickle, I want to confess the blessings that surround me.

A family that loves me, and though sometimes failing, still remains committed to the foundation of love and continual returns to the extension of grace. Friends that come in and out of my life at what is so often the perfect time for such. A foundation provided from a school that I so often feel deeply critical of. A church that is often the target of cynicism come quickly, that extends a deep fellowship with those who share common paths with me, and I with them. A heart that loves deeply, and though easily wounded, is learning how to hope for the reality of things to come - things that even now are manifesting themselves. Someone who loves me in a way I had never anticipated, accompanied with grace in the spaces of my life where I come up short and incomplete. Someone that I am continually set free time and again to love in my own volition, seeing her through His eyes. A life of deep meaning. A being of divine creation, with richly engrained longings. Health that I take for granted. Wisdom beyond what I naturally acknowledge. A sustained spirit of laughter and joy. Places that bear my shape and impact, with those who are encouraged when I am most myself (and then some).

The list continues! Warmth, shelter, protection, and provision. Peace at a level that temporary circumstances cannot touch or control. And salvation, apart from which I would dwell in isolation, panic, insecurity, and desperation. These are the very things that can only wash over me as I so choose to ruminate upon them. A critical and embittered attitude continually stands ready to grant me words that mark my path with frustration. But to reach in, through, and beyond them is to find life and praise and endurance for the miles ahead of me. The journey contains meaning, even when I refuse to hold out for proof of such.

.: a silent permission :.

How could one human soul ever even begin to think that it could truly know another? We assume so much so often, and pay the price of fellowship when we are poorly mistaken. Maybe that other person doesn't want to be discovered. Then why do we obligate them to enter into our way of coping? Maybe they would choose to just keep falling. Maybe they want to embrace the full weight of every decision that they have ever made up until that moment. Maybe they want to be allowed to have everything that they feel will grant them satisfaction, no matter how temporary we may know it really is. We need to stop keeping people from making the mistakes that they are dying to make. Sometimes, we need to let them feel the warmth on their faces from the bridges that they are burning. And we certainly need to stop assuming that we know what leg of the journey they are at in their lives.

Could we dare to hold our tongues, and could we possibly choose to offer silence as opposed to our home-cooked remedies? Would that be as tragic as we have so quickly assumed? People need to sometimes be given the sort of patience that gives them over to their preferred modes of functioning. And instead of only adding to the pressure that leaves them feeling like they are dying on the inside, could we choose to honor them by not offering them the maps that we have fashioned for our own paths? What is it that makes us so quick to think that people want to be saved?

I guess that I am just growing tired of those who drain others through their particular style of showing care and concern. Some of us have way too much of ourselves invested in our role of helping those all around us. Is there any space even left for us to fulfill our callings and still never receive any praise? This fixation upon success has subtly attached itself onto our sense of simply obeying the Lord's aim for our lives. None of us wants to just fill a role. None of us wants to just be there. Yet that is sometimes the very thing that our friends or family need. I realize that very thought only leaves us with feelings of discouragement and disappointment, causing us to maybe assume the worst. But is there something to be gained by not presuming that we know why something might be happening to someone else? Perhaps we could even grow by first deciding to no longer think that it somehow centers on ourselves, or that we are the key to another person's future or freedom.

I long for the Body of Christ to be a gathering of people who see themselves in the business of setting others free. Unfortunately (for all who stand guilty), that begins by doing it in a way that they do not even notice it. And though some of us see ourselves in the role of naming reality for others, we need to not require that they take our words as the Gospel truth. I will be the first to admit it - I don't want to be average! I want to have an impact and make a difference upon the world all around me (though in truth, I would be fortunate to have even a slight impact upon even one of the communities in which I live). But we need to be allowing others to fail, especially when that definition has been self-fashioned. What will it take for us to set others free from any and all expectations?

As followers of Christ, we don't get to be their savior and healer. At best, we can only help in the process. But there is much to be gained in seeking the Spirit's leading in His work, rather than placing the foundation for our own upon their hearts and minds. Since we all see so dimly, we would be safe to assume that we are never able to see the full picture. Our visions are bound to be blurry. So let us commit to moving forward under that conviction. And though it is terrifying at such a deep level to have our meter of success intrinsically tied to something that we cannot control, we need to move away from saying something, even if it is lying on our tongues. The boldness to speak is not the same as the permission to speak. I promise you here and now - your life is sure to be filled with a long list of people who have failed to come through for you time and again. Truth be told, there isn't even anything to be gained in comparing such lists. But maybe we could enter into other people's world only so far as they open the doors... and no further.

The Spirit stands ready to act and move once we choose to hold off on our own attempts to do so. We are called to love one another. That begins by seeing that it is His work to make them holy. Sometimes, all we get to do is watch and pray.

.: full life :.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my heart. Waiting for something to come together, that I can offer to you. Plenty of passion, yet there are so many different avenues that I struggle with running down. I doubt I could travel down any one of them for much longer than a sprint. People from the past are making their way back into my story. Wishing I had held then that which is finally in my grasp. Never have I felt so misunderstood, but I guess that is the price of growing older and more set in my beliefs and behaviors. I feel saturated in feelings of both deep love and intense confusion. Where are the people who won't try and force their way of life upon me? I need to rethink and relearn how to breathe all over again. My soul is ready to find a quiet place and be restored. Is what I have right before me made up of the things that I have been longing for? Why do the pages of this next chapter that is being written in my life waver so frequently between seeming so real, yet so strange and foreign only moments later? To be touched is to feel my burden lifted, just when I was needing it most. Set me apart. Set me aside. Set me beyond all that weighs me down. For those who mean to help are only setting me in my new ways of life. You cannot form the paths of those you know for your own peace of mind. They must be allowed to walk where life has led them thus far. The struggle to remain in control will only expose you far more greater than what you anticipated. Learning to leave them (and us) alone is a skill mastered by few. You don't get to control us any more. Loosen your grip and set us free. I for one could use that sort of freedom right now.