.: our christmas letter :.

We wake to find ourselves virtually at the end of another year... and what a year it has been! On December 30, 2006, we were married in a beautiful ceremony at Burlington Lutheran Church, followed by a snug reception at the Hillcrest Lodge (Mount Vernon). The day flew by so quickly for both of us, but our memories include feeling overwhelmed by the loving support of everyone around us... and having to go back to the lodge after our grand exit so that Dave could get his keys. Our hearts are full of recollections about taking the next blessed step of marriage and entering into our new life together.

That new life has been full! Our honeymoon took us through both Seattle (watching the fireworks over the Space Needle from the Westin) and Leavenworth (getting snowed in at the Enzian Inn). From January to April, Dave had the opportunity to serve in a college ministry ("Monday Monday") as a part of his church internship under Pastor Bill Mueller. This was a great time, spent getting to know some of the students that attend the junior college in our town. In March, Kelly threw a surprise birthday party for Dave (who turned the big 3-0). Much of the Spring and Summer consisted of numerous trips down to Safeco Field to cheer on the Seattle Mariners. In fact, we attended our first ever "Opening Day" game, which was one of our favorites. The only downer was having Dave's car get broken into during a subsequent evening game, though it turned out to be a positive thing in the end (a new car stereo!). And many-a-time, we were "thunderstruck" by the pitching of closer J.J. Putz. In June, we packed three adventures into one. It began with a couple days at Crescent Bar in Eastern WA with Dave's folks, followed by camping at Lake Easton with Dave's sister, and finishing with Kelly's side of the family at Lake Cle Elum. We both attempted to fish, though our efforts were in vain. It was still good practice for our time at Diablo Lake in August (our first catch of the season).

One of the biggest changes in Kelly's life came in August through the arrival of the new principal at Washington Elementary. Despite her being different from the previous principal, Kelly has been blessed with a good working relationship with her. In August, Dave had the privilege of returning the favor to one of his groomsmen by being in his wedding In Toronto. This was our biggest trip of the year as a couple. Once the ceremony was over, we traveled to one of the greatest honeymoon sites in the world, Niagara Falls. We still reminisce about our adventures on the "Maid of the Mist", getting drenched in Bridal Veil Falls, and taking in the evening fireworks over Horseshoe Falls.

About the time you receive this letter, Dave will have finished his last Regent class ever. All he has left to do now is learn the Hebrew language and he will be on his way to officially receiving his Masters of Divinity (a journey he first began in January 2004). This next summer, we will begin the search for where the Lord might lead Dave to serve as a pastor. It is our heart's desire that we stay in the Northwest, but we are excited to see what God has in store for us both.

Each of you has played a special part in our first year as a married couple. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. May God bless you now and throughout the year to come!

In His Name,
Dave & Kelly McAllister

.: a cure for this pain :.

This is for the days when we do not feel like ourselves. We have seen that face a million times before, but the person looking back at us is far from recognizable. This is for the days when the sadness that echoes within our hearts finally overtakes us. We have dodged its glancing blows, but our strength has finally failed us. This is for the days when life just does not seem manageable. We each are only one person, and can only do so much with what we have been given. This is for the days when it seems like this may never end. We tell ourselves that we just need to get used to it, and we settle into troublesome acceptance. This is for the days when we feel like it all is a little too much. The weight has finally tipped our emotional scales, and we find ourselves scrambling to make sense of it all. This is for the days when we feel out of it. Each morning finds us in a place that we never expected to feel trapped by. This is for the days when we no longer like the person that we see. We had been learning to be more comfortable in our own skin, but that all seems lost now. This is for the days when we forget who we are. The places that we were called to stand in now remain empty. This is for the days that are over even before they begin. We are tired of playing all the games in which we cheat, knowing full well that we are only cheating ourselves. This is for the days when we feel like we are burning from the inside out. Who was it that taught us to make ourselves as crazy as we do? This is for the days when we feel like we have made the hugest mistake. This path had felt like it was so right, but now it seems like things may not work out. This is for the days when we are able to love everyone but ourselves. We know our own flaws far too well to ever reason with the acceptance of another soul. This is for the days when we feel like the biggest inconvenience. We are convinced that everyone is laughing at our situation, only to bite their lips when we enter the room. This is for the days when it hurts even to breathe. We could not bear enough of all our doubts to ever be set free from them. This is for the days when we swear that no one is coming for us. It is terrifying to realize the sort of trust that our lives demand. This is for the days when the light in our eyes seems to have gone out. The luster that once drew them closer is suddenly gone and we drift from memory to memory. This is for the days when our lives feel shattered by the mistakes and tragedies that we never asked for. The night has enveloped us completely, and our eyes cannot help but fall closed. This is for the days when we are a little too much, or maybe just not enough. We rush back into hiding with the hope that our glory years will be in the mental forefront of every spectator. This is for the days when we are no longer attracted to ourselves. It seems like the best that we can hope for is that there is something within us that is somehow appealing. This is for days such as these, the ones that we will never find a way to avoid. They cannot be scheduled, for they arrive only at a time when they can cause the most damage. And though we do everything we can to hold on in the thick of every one of them, we know that somehow they shape us into who we are becoming. We desperately need the very things that we so deeply detest. The rain comes down for a reason - we can trust even in this one truth! Fear not; it will not wash you away. The sorrow that you now feel will work so as to carry you on through the similar days still to come. Though we wonder what wisdom could ever come of this, rest assured that we will one day be proven wrong. For there is One working so that regret and anguish will not have the final word in our lives. His blessings will fashion something beautiful in each and every child that welcomes His unhindered touch. He alone can separate us from the desperation that we so often feel left to cling to. We can come into the light, boldly or with the greatest of caution, for He has promised to meet us in that very place. But even more, we can be comforted by the reality that even in the darkest of times, He is there beside us.

.: the one on the outside :.

I should have guessed that I would never get to be one of you guys. I should have known that I would never belong. Friends far too attached to let anyone else in. I thought that I knew you. I thought that our friendship meant that I was one too. But I was wrong all along. At least extend me the courtesy of letting me in on the secret, the reason for why I remain outside. Why can't I be in the inner circle? It kills me to know that what is going on goes on without me. Do you not know what I have to offer? Do you not know who I am? The beauty that is created amidst you all will never be revealed to someone such as me. You make your mark through the cutting edge, failing to claim the underlying exclusivity. Do you not remember what it felt like to be left behind as well? You give each other names. Jokes are fashioned as passwords through which you grant each other access. I could sleep much better knowing that my day will soon come. Instead I am haunted by never being known by any of you. And maybe I am in fact better missing from it all. Maybe you are right in saying that it is out of your hands and out of control. But I hope that you realize that you have omitted the one thing that could have given you new life. Your best laid plans are a mess because you did not include me in them. Or so I so desperately wish! I could use a friend like you in times like these. So hurry up or you too might be replaced. Still I have a place in my heart for you. But it is a hope that is quickly fading, for I am a master at teaching myself to no longer desire what I cannot have. Still I cannot believe that I let you do this to me, even in these years far removed from the beginning. There was a time when I wished that you were mine and I was yours. All the same, I think I can finally stay that I am glad that you failed to pick me. So I will never the invitations that I have been starving myself for. I won't crawl up those steps back to the place that we once shared. But I am not content to be find pleasure in your recent sadness. I cannot let myself get away with pushing you back into the silence and begging for your own dismissal. But I must admit, I find it difficult to see how you convinced yourself that you treated me like any other. I thought our alliance was one struck in the darkest of times. Now all you have done is left me feeling dirty. And in spite of what once was, as soon as the light came back around, you made your way back into life... and away from someone who was close not too long ago.

.: a lull in the midst of the new :.

So often it seems that we live for every subsequent moment of amusement. We live for every chance to be fascinated with something that captures our attention and sends us off in a tirade. But once it all catches up to us and there is nothing new to be enthralled by, we sink into the shadows and the spotlight moves away from our shoulders. We love to have something, sometimes anything, to build a life around. The common and familiar is fine for everyone else, but we desperately crave for that new thing that will take our breath away. We need something fresh and innovative to use as a basis for furthering our own kingdom. Our eyes are caught by even the slightest glimpses of glitter, something that informs us that we must have it. We internally beg for new words to move forward on, often in a direction unlike all others. And something within us grows silent and eerie. But who of us can wrestle wisely with such maddening silence? Something within us refuses to settle for what we have already seen and heard. We figure that there must be some new formula, something that gives us an original principal for a more authentic way of life. Authors earn their temporary notoriety by capturing it within their best seller. Actors win their awards by performing in a way that touches upon it as well. And day-by-day, we grow more numb to what we have already experienced. What is it within our hearts that needs that novel element to continually appear before us? Why are we not comfortable with old lessons and the rehearsing of wisdom? No question, it is there! And it rules our lives in such a way that we pour out our riches, energy, and attention in the hopes of finding it before everyone else. We yearn to be the ones informing the masses rather than being one of the later informed. Then we preach it in our loudest voices, we practice it in our workplace, we frame it and nail it to our walls, and we make it our newest rule to abide by and defend. We constantly need something to tell us each morning that this life is actually worth living. And it needs to be here and it needs to be now. Our world tells us that we cannot afford to wait. So we rush in, and thus rush right past what the Father has been longing to tell us. I guess we just feel that His words of life can wait one more day, and that there are far more important details to hammer out in the hours given to us. But then we are given all sorts of choices, and we decline to really pick any one of them. We want to truly be satisfied, to find what we have been, and always will be, looking for. Unfortunately we repeatedly sell out on our real hopes and we let ourselves land once again in that place of disappointing resignation. We settle for the things that only fill our sails for moments at a time, knowing full well that something deeper still awaits us. Yet we cannot ever teach ourselves to create the kind of space in which He might confront and console our bleeding hearts. But would we truly be content if His only words were that everything is fine, that there is no problem, and His feelings towards us are only thoughts of joy. Maybe we are convinced that there must be some sort of problem, and that it is buried deep within us. So we form such habits of digging away at what we can only assume needs to be brought out into the open. Regrettable far into the future, we make these decisions on our own terms, devoted to the dying efforts of our own feeble strength.

.: a moment in time :.

I was alone there. Though surrounded by many, I was alone there. Just to go back there in my heart brings deeply-rooted tears of sorrow to my eyes. No one was coming for me there. I was left to go it by myself. Company was just outside my door. And people loved me there. But at the end of the day, I was alone there - completely alone. Some of those months should have been my brightest. But I don't know if they truly were. There were ways of entertaining myself, methods of making myself laugh. But these times were soon drowned out by the rain that fell outside, the drops on windows that mimicked the ones running down the face of my soul. Even the snow that came down at times seemed to surrounded me so that I could not go anywhere; they seemed to muffle the cries within me. I needed You there. I know You were there. But, Father... FATHER! I was alone! Those people that were at times closer than my own family only served in temporarily calming my fears and subduing my sadness. But then the time came... and even the ones that I held close were pulled away from me. If I could have pulled it off, I would have brought them into this new(er) life that stands before me now. Those days were precious. Those were the days in which You so often reminded me of how much You loved me. But I was alone there. Nights of gazing through the cracks in my blinds, being mesmerized by the night and distant stars that engulfed my world, are forever captured in my head. That... and aloneless - I cannot escape that fact! I must have been so deeply wounded that even now I weep. So distant from the moment of betrayal. Will anyone ever know me once again? How long must this go on? Moments pass when I swear that I could know my heart no better than this. But now an unguarded moment and a repetitious melody stir me in a way that I had almost forgotten. Once more, I throw together the elements of a recipe called "that time of life", and the flood gates of my heart and mind are ripped open. Yet I do not get those days back, do I? Maybe I don't want them. I am sure that I could convince myself for moments at a time. And maybe I can convince myself that far better days are ahead. I never want to hurt like this ever again. Can I not find a deeper sense than just the pain of certain memories, paired with the cries of wanting to return? Why would I want to go back? These days were never meant to last. You knew yourself that they were only in your life for a time. Yet the meals, the warmth of a fire, the promise of companionship whenever one so desired, the passion of a shared adventure - that is why you want to go back! Yes, they knew you! But you can never go back. My son, new days await you. Hold on, take heart, and do not lose faith. Embrace those songs that stir within your heart - do not push them away! For those memories will serve to draw you further on. They will carry you in a way that few can comprehend. And understand that I cared for you all along the way. And I will continue to carry you, even in days such as these. You are My Son, the joy of my creation. I know you are one of My own. Is there anything deeper than that? Now... live! Do what I created you for. Find your deepest joy in fulfilling your design. But, no... never forget. For those days were forging in you my plan from the beginning. In every moment, in every area of your life, my hands were fashioning something amazing - something beyond the lights and the sounds, the feel and the touch, the laughter and the applause you try to take hold of even now.

.: love and addiction :.

Someday I will clearly see the difference between everything that I loved, and everything that I was dependant upon for survival. Someday I will see all that I surrounded myself with, and know clearly why such things were important to me. Someday I will see my needs and realize the objects of desire in disguise. Someday I will realize everything that I did to make it all okay, as well as the times that I intentionally made a mess of life (mine or someone else's). Someday I will glory in the things that I counted as my flaws, little things that went unnoticed by the rest of the world. Someday I will see everything that I did to make a good impression on everyone around me. Someday I will live in a new world, which will make this old one look so pathetic. Someday I will suddenly enjoy my own voice, for it will have found its proper place and tone. Someday I will find that I can relax and rejoice in everything around me. Someday I will awake to a brand new day, and I will live with the joy of knowing that it is only the beginning. Someday I will find that I am no longer wasting away. Someday I will not expect as much as I do right now, for it all will have found its truest fulfillment. Someday I will be caught up with visions of people running towards me, those that I have longed to be with for years gone by. Someday my spirit will be free from the weights that hold it down. Someday I will truly understand all that you and I say to one another. Someday I will see everything and everyone that pulled my strings. Someday I will be able to quit this facade that I am so committed to. Someday I will see the fine line between being needed and being free to go at any time. Someday I will smile at the desperation that used to control everything about me. Someday I will be separated from the burdens that I know far too well. Someday I will no longer need to compromise to find what my heart is longing for. Someday I will finally know what it was I was doing all along. Someday I will find the freedom to approach the Father fearlessly, and ask for what it is that He wants for me. Someday I will find that He was pleased with me far more than I assumed. Someday I will laugh at the petty things that I made such an issue about, as well as share in the same sort of laughter that pours from others. Someday I will live like someone who truly knows how to live. Someday I will learn to handle my expectations far better than I do right now. Someday I will live the life of grace realized and accomplished. Someday I will find out who all was listening when I was pouring out my soul. Someday I will be more than fine with it all. And someday you will be with me again... and this life that we have lived will have only been faint whispers of the life to come.

.: one real clue :.

Let's just accept it - they may never truly get it! This world in which we live knows very little about real love. To start with, genuine love begins by being genuinely selfless. And how can a whole world of people that are bent on glorifying themselves have any clue about what it means to take that first step? Thus they have no real idea of what it means to think of someone else higher than they tend to think about themselves. How can a human world that teaches us to rule over everyone else through manipulation and control and every kind of human advantage know anything about seeking another person's highest good? How can this world that is so quick to use another human soul to achieve some end be in a place where it can be caught up with sacrificing everything that it may have to benefit someone other than itself? And the truth be told, how are we as Christians any better? Who are we to say that we truly love Christ when we do not take seriously His call to love others above ourselves? Let's face it - our churches have become places where those who say that they are following Christ are more concerned with being theologically correct and spiritually superior to those all around them, more than they are concerned with authentically loving their neighbors. To follow another is to imitate their every move, to be caught up with their ways of thinking, and to be consumed with what that other soul was or is consumed with. But is that going on in our own lives, if we truly are honest with ourselves? I fear that I fall miserably short of doing even that; following Christ. Real love begets real love. But when I continually allow myself to be fascinated with how I can advance my own agenda, as subtle as the case may be, all I succeed in is begetting more selfishness. To love someone would mean to let go of my own set of ideals for them. But how could I ever reach that sort of place, especially in a world such as this one? To love someone is to remove all hopes of somehow profiting myself in that endeavor, and giving all for the sake of another. What lies around me that would ever prompt me to live like that? I know the arrogance of this world far too well, for I bear it myself in forms far too cloaked for my neighbor to detect. And though I claim to know this love, you would never know it by ever knowing me. So I release all hopes of somehow just getting it. I release myself from thinking that this world will one day come through for me and point me in the right direction. For I know now that it knows nothing of love. We ourselves know nothing of love. Well, maybe almost nothing. We have been satisfied with the mere shadows of it, but very few have truly tasted of what the Father has intended all along. We make much noise about what we think it looks like, but every instance comes up short in some way or another. We fail... and in turn it fails, time and time again. When and where might we ever come face-to-face with what true love looks like? Its faint whispers are calling out to everyone who is discontent enough to listen for it. It begs us to come taste of something that is liberating, that sets a soul free to become what it was intended to be, rather than weighing it down even more. I pray that it seizes every one of us before we find a soothing alternative. No question, it is there. He Himself stands ready to teach us, though it is far beyond us. But do we truly want to learn to love like that? The question remains, unchanging from day to day.

.: any one of them :.

"No one is ever going to love you as much as I am going to.
No one is ever going to love you as much as I do right now.
I may never get over you.
Life with you feels virtually endless.
Even when everything seems to be falling apart all around you, I am here for you.
I would do anything to make you smile.
You might be better off without me, but I would never be, apart from your love.
To simply be with you is enough for me.
Any sort of fear that I might have is no match against the sort of love that we share between us.
No one ever told me that love would be like this.
Has anyone else ever felt towards another what I feel towards you?
There is nothing better than being in this moment with you.
You matter to me more than you may ever know.
Anything that I might give up is worth the price of getting to be with you.
You fill my heart in ways that I never could have imagined.
The thought of you ushers such joy into my heart, all in a moment's worth of time.
Life seems richer and fuller and brighter because of your choosing to be with me.
Nothing ever takes so long as the time it takes for you to return to me.
Life feels far less cruel knowing that you are with me in and through all of it.
Our being together simply makes sense.
I do not need you... but I want you!"

Any one of these words has the power to give us life. But what will it require for us to speak them? What will it take for us to get to hear them?

.: our heaviest words :.

You would never know, but often times, humor hurts. No offense intended does not always mean no offense at all. My advice? Please be careful what you say! Before every word you speak, before every thought is formed into audible phrases, think thoroughly about what you are planning to say. For it is by the very things that we say that we present ourselves. In a way that we so often miss, when we speak about anything and everything, we are at some level speaking about ourselves. When we share our thoughts, we are sharing a vision of ourselves with that other person. Better yet, we are casting that vision upon them as a sort of outline to go by. Our opinions carry our fingerprints, and what we say to that soul right across from us places a certain weight upon them to think (and thus act) as you yourself do. Even the medium of humor! And in that, we must proceed with caution for our words have the power to both bring life, as well as steal it from another person. It is through our words that we exercise the power to both encourage and discourage. And as we have so often witnessed first hand, our words can soon provoke a battle of sorts, whether or not we intend to do so. We choose to mindlessly throw out a statement based upon even the slightest whim, only to find out moments to years after that it was a spark to the fire that soon consumed our listener and us. I admit that there is a fire within me, even as I write these words myself - one that feels out of control. And with that comes the urging to fuel it even higher with words of my own. We all reach a point where we become sick of being told "how it is" or even "how it is going to be". Something within us clenches with incredible force as that other individual goes head-to-head with us by means of a flippant comment. Take a step back and we quickly realize that what is important to us is not as important to the one who spoke so casually to us. They intended humor, but it felt like a jab. They intended sarcasm, but it felt like a direct attack. What was unintentional felt like something more, and we are suddenly off to the races in terms of our response. No doubt that they would be sorry for what they said. But how we go about prompting that says something about us as well. Serve and return - it is as simple as that! I guess that the irritation plants itself within us when we are exposed by someone who has no clue that they are doing so. It would be one thing if they intended to go up against us. That sort of thing we could plan for. But when their verbal guns are unloaded on us with the hope of getting some laughs, we are instantly set up to play the fool when we over-respond and go straight for their jugular. We generally have little to no real understanding of what kind of day someone is having. We have no idea what emotional weight they are carrying at any given moment. So when we run free with our words and carry out our tactless agenda of self-indulgence, we set that person up to take the fall for our momentary advantage and glory. We intend to disarm that person with humor, only to leave them bleeding under their armor. Needless to say, some of our God-given gifts (in terms of our individual personality) can just as easily be used for harm as they can be for good. The only problem is that we assume the later reality without any healthy sense or awareness of the former. All such situations call for liberating grace on the part of both the wounder and the wounded. Grace to set another person free, as well as the grace to never oppress them in the first place. But this also includes the grace to release a person from their thoughtlessness in that moment. We release them from every social "I.O.U." that they write through a verbal faux pas. But that capacity calls for incredible strength from the Father, as well as distance from the need to protect our own reputation. May we be the kinds of people that seek personal and public peace above a successful punch line! We must work at perfecting our holy hush, knowing that humor can end up being some of our heaviest words spoken.

.: when grace speaks :.

If and when our lives are truly touched by the grace of God, we cannot help but respond. And that response is not just inward, but by the power of the Spirit of God, it is also outward. When our lives are touched by grace, that grace cannot help but cause us to speak.
And, my friends, when grace speaks, it does not steal from that other person, but it introduces even greater grace into the lives of those that hear it.
When grace speaks, it does not communicate a grudge that it has been holding onto, but it lets that person off the hook that we put them on in the first place.
When grace speaks, it does not obligate others to think like we think, but it frees them up to think their own thoughts.
When grace speaks, it does not brag about what it has accomplished, but rejoices with what others have done in life.
When grace speaks, it does not parade all that it knows in front of that other person, but it draws out their own thoughts and feelings about an issue.
When grace speaks, it does not seek to weigh another soul down, but it lifts it up through encouragement.
When grace speaks, it does not humiliate a person because of what they have said or done, but it allows them to save face (even at the speaker's expense).
When grace speaks, it does not judge a person upon what he or she does or does not know, but it affords them the chance to teach as well as (possibly) be taught.
When grace speaks, it does not trumpet all that it has achieved, but it rejoices in what others have accomplished.
When grace speaks, it does not work to impress those around it, but it allows itself to be impressed by someone else.
When grace speaks, it does not pride itself on all its various ambitions in life, but it works to nurture the hopes and dreams that lies in the hearts of those all around it.
When grace speaks, it does not compare itself against those who are supposedly inferior, but it realizes that God is doing different things in different lives.
When grace speaks, it does not assume that it is the first to speak the truth to that person, but it understands that the Spirit is already engaged in some sort of conversation with them.
When grace speaks, it does not proclaim its own agenda under the guise of spiritual truth, but it calls every individual to live within the freedom that Christ has won.
When grace speaks, it does not say one thing to one person and the opposite to another, but it is consistent with everyone who hears it.
When grace speaks, it does not stir up strife between anyone (itself included), but it speaks words of peace that cause others to drop their guard.
When grace speaks, it does not allow itself to damage or destroy another person's reputation, but it takes that other person's heart and life into consideration before it even utters a word.
When grace speaks, it does not come to collect on whatever debt it feels like it is owed, but it releases that other person from any kind of obligation.
When grace speaks, it does not sing its own praises about all that it has done for the Lord, but it celebrates when God has been glorified, no matter who was involved.
When grace speaks, it does not show favoritism towards those that it prefers, but it chooses to bless everyone who it interacts with.
And when grace speaks, it does not act artificial so that others might be impressed, but it is genuine and open with everyone whom its encounters.

But what will it cost us to speak like this with one another?

.: assured by sunrise :.

This morning I woke with the deepest sense of self, deeper than anything that I have felt for the longest time. I woke to find that I am less afraid than I have been all week, all year, maybe even all my life. I woke to discover that I could not be any more in love than I am already. I woke to find that my heart feels so in touch with genuine beauty, it is almost frightening. I woke to find that immense knowledge no longer intimidates me. I was awakened by the rediscovery that warmth is one of the greatest senses of safety. My eyes opened, only this time I find that I see much deeper and wider than ever before. Something has struck a chord in me, and every passion is firing off in me with the hope that I can share it with the entire world. Something eternal is making itself known to me, revealing that I get to play a central role in the greatest event known to humankind. My hands feel like they could save someone or something. I woke to find that I am capable of moving in a way that protects the weak and brokenhearted. Though I have feared death for so long, something within me has stirred in such a way that death no longer holds its grip on me. I am awake and alive, thriving on the thought that so many of my expectations will soon become realities. This morning I was stirred by the truth that I could not be any more filled with life than I am right now. My soul feels like it has years and years left in it. I am in a place where moments of heartfelt joy feel more like home than the confidence of a filled mind. I woke this morning with the impression that I have nothing left to fear and no regrets that I will carry to my grave. My heart is overflowing with the sensation that comes right before finding that you have been fully set free. I woke this morning with the feeling that I am only moments away from being released. I have known that there is something to fight for. But only now do I feel fully prepared to engage in the battles that are calling me out. I no longer need to draw from the wells around me. For I have woken with the sense that I can now begin to give what has been fixed and fitted within me. No longer must I be inspired, for now I am an inspiration. There is no one more to impress. This morning finds me in a place where I can fully be myself, for that is more than enough.

.: my existential wish list :.

I wish that I could walk around this world and remain unaffected.
I wish that I did not have to look certain people in the eyes.
I wish that I could disconnect from the things that make me cry in my sleep.
I wish that I lived further away from the broken people that surround me.
I wish that I was not so aware of the places that they have been.
I wish that I made greater connections with the joy all around me, rather than all the pain.
I wish that I was better at communicating with a simple smile.
I wish that I could remain detached from the endless expressions of suffering.
I wish that I could wake to a world where there were no poor or underprivileged.
I wish that I was not so familiar with defeat and loss.
I wish that I was not so good at finding so many other places to go to escape.
I wish that I could hold off the reasons that demand so great of a sacrifice.
I wish that I could make it so that what everyone had was exactly what he or she required.
I wish that I could face every sickness and disease with brighter eyes.
I wish that I could fix it so that anger and resentment was not a way of life.
I wish that I could let my sadness reach only so deep and no further than that.
I wish that I could enforce laughter as a mandatory rule of being.
I wish that I was better at keeping it all together myself.
I wish that I could promise others that all the confusion serves a noble purpose.
I wish that I could provide a way for others to escape their fears.
I wish that I could settle my soul with the truth that no one is alone.
I wish that I was better at mending a broken heart.
I wish that I could get away with using more than only what I truly needed.
I wish that I could convince everyone of something greater than simple survival.
I wish that I could provide them with a safer place to live.
I wish that I did not have different sides to pick.
I wish that I could allow every child to keep their innocence throughout their early years.
I wish that I was surrounded with sweeter melodies than the dirges that more often fill my ears.
I wish that I could take away the shame that weighs everybody down.
I wish that I did not feel so bound to my neighbor.
I wish that I could find a way to silence the inward urgings to make a difference.
I wish that I could suddenly find myself in a better world, with or without a reason.
I wish that there were far fewer questions than convincing answers.
I wish that my words were a cure for it all.
I wish that they made even the slightest difference.
I wish that my happiness was more contagious and incurable.
I wish that my every hope was here and now.
I wish that I was not so aware of all these ideas in my head.

I wish that I could remain untouched by it all.
But more than all these things, I want to be awake and alive.

Even so, I cannot find a way to embrace all such realities with my whole heart.

.: 7/30/07 :.

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
- "Funeral Blues", W.H. Auden -

Life is made up of memories that we so often find we wish we could remain within. Those memories typically revolve around the experiences that captured our senses. But even more, they are deepened by the people that we once shared them with, men and women that we were drawn to because of our having gone through it together. That being said, there are memories that I have of my friend, Jason Kessler, that have returned to me in light of his recent death. Jason and I attended the same church and youth group throughout our High School years, and later attended college in Southern California for three of our four years down there (including a semester in Israel). During that time, we grew up together amidst the same communities and faced so many of the same issues. There was a time in our lives when we felt like the poster boys for pastoral ministry at our church, considering the fact that we were both heading in that direction academically.

But life and time have a funny way of trying to dissolve even the closest of friendships, and in the years that followed our individual college graduations, we slowly but surely began to head in two different directions. We often tried to carve out time together, to simply catch up and remain invested in each other's lives. But over the past couple years, we allowed ourselves to become accustomed to less and less times such as those, and we became satisfied with occasional exchanges while passing on a street or in a hallway. My last encounter with Jason was during a break in our church service. I had seen that Jason was home and had made it to church, so I rushed back to give him a hug (something that we never failed to do as ongoing friends) and let him know about the love of my life (whom I would propose to only months later). Good intentions gave way to missed conversations and we let each other get away without moving any deeper in our initial exchange. I have carried with me since that morning the hope that I would one day get to introduce him to my new bride. I have carried with me since that day the hope that we would one day get to catch each other up on all that was happening in our lives. But I remained far too neutral about seeing such hopes be fulfilled, and death has silenced them all by stealing away my friend.

In my heart, I know that we were once close. But I now carry with me one question; "Were we alright?" Was everything okay between the two of us? Truth be told, I did not always know exactly what to do with Jason. He was a man who never settled for pat answers, and he drew life and passion from delving deeper into every mystery that stood before him. He was talented and often allowed his capacities to serve as an encouragement and inspiration to me. But I never had him figured out, partially because he always held his cards close to his chest, and partially because I struggled with my own insecurities. But there are incredible memories that I carry with me of adventures that he invited me into, whether it was giving the gift of a dry ice bomb at two in the morning to our pastor, or me giving him a lift ten feet up into the classroom through the narrow window, only to watch him fall hands first (one of which were stitched up) to the floor. Watching him run to disarm the alarm, only to be caught by the ringing sounds that woke up the entire moshav, was just one of the handful of memories that I have to remember my friend by.

Now? Now I live with the sense that I both miss him dearly and am saddened by the fact that I never did anything to continue on while he was still alive. But as happens in all of our lives, we remain in fellowship with those whom we share a common path with, and Jason's and my path was only for a while. My eyes are now opened to the fact that my friend gave his life away for a cause that he saw as great, as worth defending, as worth laying his life down for, if and when the cause called for it. But I never once believed that the cause would ever call for the sacrifice of a life such as his. He and so many others (friends and family) had not too distant futures to be shared for years to come. And the deepest pain that still lingers in my soul is that we will never get to share what we had been planning for for so long. The years of our youth were spent dreaming of how we were going to change the world, years filled with days of constantly pointing each other towards the same goal in the hopes that we both would remain awake and alive. But with his death, I cannot help but feel like one of the greatest stories ever told to me came without the sort of climactic ending that I had been anticipating. Chapters and chapters both written and revealed to me, to us both... only to have the story come to an abrupt stop when I first heard of the tragedy. My heart is still breaking at the reality of one less happy ending.

Our friend, our son, our brother, and the love of our life; he has been stolen from us, even when we least expected it. The questions that we knew he carried with him were seemingly never answered, though he and the Father know far better of the conversations that took place in his final days. What sense are we to make of the loss of a friend at such a young age? No sense... only the conviction that not everything is as it seems right here and right now. We have little to no answers, and yet are still invited into our own continuing journeys, with the divine hope that we will remain open to His hands and veiled intentions. He is good, even when His divine providence feels like a sucker punch to the stomach. Does He owe us any answers? Yes and no. Does He want us to know? I am not so sure, from where I stand right now. But He is definitely up to something. And I know that He longs to bless us, as He did throughout the 29 years of Jason's life. So we mourn the years that we thought would be ours, as well as rejoice with the years that were given to us (as fast as they seemed to come at us). I will miss my friend for as long as I walk the same earth that his feet once trodden. I am proud to say that I was a friend of his, for I am deeply proud of him! Some days will be harder than others. Unfortunately, this feels like the first of many to come. May God grant us the strength to continue on amidst pain and confusion, the eyes to see how life ought to be lived (to the fullest, as Jason sought to live it), and the enduring hope of being reunited with those who share our faith in the Father - a faith that He alone sustains!

.: only scratching the surface :.

Kelly and I are a week away from heading back east to Toronto to see one of my closest Regent friends get married. While we are there, we are going to spend a little time exploring the area, as well as a couple days and nights at Niagara Falls. This will be a first for both of us! I have seen almost none of the world's famous landmarks, so I am excited to get to check this one off my list of many. Summer is going far quicker than any of us could have hoped for. The weather has been great, though it has made for a warm condo and only a couple fans in the evenings (I guess that's just the curse of having a sliding glass door that faces the sun in the afternoons). Time feels so fleeting sometimes. You wake up, follow the routine, get what feels like a couple moments together with loved ones, your head hits the pillow, only to repeat the whole thing hours later. One of things that I have found enjoyable is Kelly's temporary break from school. It has provided time for longer lunches together, space in our weekly schedule for more adventures, and less overall stress (both perceived and communicated). At times, I feel surrounded by blessings beyond full recognition. So I take time as best as I can to breathe in every moment, for around the corner is a couple more classes that will demand my full attention if I want to finish off strong. Certain fears have been trying to take hold of my heart, but I refuse to let them steal my joy and hope for the future. As so many summers gone by, this one has been unique, offering pleasures that I never expected. My mind has been recently noting the shift of many relationships in my life, only to simply say that they are different now. My past breaks through every once in a while, often in unguarded moments. The view is not what I was expecting from here, though not without previous warnings. Not bad by any means... just different! All this to say that I am looking forward to boarding that plane seven days from now and taking hold of the final break before the cold reality revisits us both. May we not find that it comes at us too fast to not be able to soak up all of our surroundings and the company that comes with every one!

.: learning to let go :.

"Believe as I believe, no more, no less; That I am right, and no one else, confess; Feel as I feel, Think only as I think; Eat what I eat, and drink but what I drink; Look as I look, Do always as I do; Then, and only then, Will I fellowship with you."

Are you and I in the habit of letting others go? Are we practicing the art of letting others off the hook? Are we teaching ourselves to always be setting others free from our own unsaid obligations? Every one of us has a way in which we subtly fashion debts that we believe we are owed by people all around us. Some way or another, we find a way to place certain requirements upon others. And until they meet those certain requirements, we withhold our hearts and fellowship from them. The problem for many of us is that we care too much about what others think. By doing so, we give them more than enough weight to use against us to get what they so selfishly want. Every single one of us has a good idea of how life ought to be lived, most often times according to a certain set of rules. Unfortunately, none of our rules line up perfectly with those of everyone else.

Therein lies the rub, for we as human creatures have a habit of placing the expectations that we have for ourselves upon others. And when they fail to live up to that standard, we hold them in our grip by means of our attitudes and expressions. We even go so far as to gather those around us who think just like us, providing the comfort of thinking that life as we know it is within our control. But then someone outside the circle soon goes beyond what we deem as acceptable, and our way of life suddenly feels threatened at its very core (for if they do not live like we do, they must inherently be wrong... or so we think). Someone we know fails to come through for us as we were hoping, and we begin to subtly look down upon him or her. We fashion within our hearts how a person ought to act, and then we hold that model before others as the pinnacle of existence. And for those that fall short, we pride ourselves on the fact that we succeed where they supposedly fail.

It is a scary thing to allow a system or preconceived idea to dictate how we treat those who do not take our same ideals to heart. When we choose to remain rigid towards that person, we have crossed a boundary. When we deem someone immature because of a choice that they have made, we have placed ourselves as the judge concerning their motives. When we seek to coerce someone into a manner of behaving that is somehow foreign to them, we have determined their life to be secondary to our own existence. In essence, when we do such things, we take away that person's freedom to be who they choose to be. We force them to live according to our own standards rather than living according to how God has created them. We write off their ability to dictate for themselves what is right and wrong, and we push our own agenda upon them so that we might feel justified. In moments such as these, it is less about them doing what is right than it is about you being proven right before other.

Ask yourself about the last time you sold a certain point to someone with the words, "I would do the same thing for you." That is nothing less than guilt and shame. If you do not do what I think you ought to do, then you are constrained by me to feel a particular amount of guilt for your "wrong choice". Do you and I even understand how we are voiding a person's call to a liberated life whenever we limit them to one lived by our own definition? Every one of us is tight in some areas and loose in others. And in the midst of our scrutinizing your sister or brother over a few choice issues, we need to comprehend the reality that not one of us has a corner on the truth and how to live according to it. We have been set free from the law of sin and death, and invited to live in that freedom by means of the Father's grace. How we treat others is either an expression of that freedom, or evidence of our choosing to live under a different set of laws.

Never once are we called to the role of making others holy. Rather we are called to love them wherever they are at, with the hope that we might be able to somehow enter into the conversation that continues on between them and the Spirit of God. But for us to continue on as spiritual fruit inspectors demonstrates how it is in our nature as fallen creatures to turn even our faith in God into something by which we might gain an advantage over others. When we identify such differences in the lives of others in contrast to our own, we ought to rejoice in the freedom that that other person experiences in their own life, rather than working to stomp it out. All of us are in process. Every one of us is hopefully in route towards becoming more fully human. And for many of us, part of our journey is spent learning how to move deeper into our relationships. As far as the Kingdom of God is concerned, we never have been able to afford the cost of isolating others from genuine fellowship for the sake of selling our system of so-called living through manipulation.

.: never beyond His hand :.

I think we all have experienced moments of incredible despair. We all have faced situations in which we feel completely desolated. We have felt abandoned by anything and anyone that might offer even a glimmer of hope. There has been that one thing that suddenly left us feeling trapped, and the only way to get free was to do something to solve the whole puzzle. And is it even reasonable for us to expect even one other soul to see or feel that thing that no one else seems to? Though this body is a temple, something it can feel like nothing less than a prison cell, with this earthly life presenting itself as a life sentence. If we are honest with ourselves, to even say a word to anyone else only leaves that friend or family member feeling like their hands are tied. Are we not the ones that are to have some sort of eternal hope? Yet so often it rings hollow when confronted by a soul that feel desperate to find any certain reason for living. We can call it foolish thinking. We can condemn it as a lack of common sense. We can even expose their self-centered thinking for what it truly is. But when that fellow soul is asking for an explanation, and when they are confronted by deeply rooted pain, all we can do is weep with them at any and every level possible.

We must realize that the hope in our own life makes all the sense in the world to us, but there is something keeping them from embracing it in like manner. Below the surface of it all is a lie, or even a whole series of them, that they have been convinced of. These lies are the ones that cheapen true meaning and genuine expectations. They tell the soul that delight is found only in the passions that we believe to be the highest. They drive the soul beyond its means, only to rebuke it when it finally gives out and gives up. What I am suggesting is that we have all been there. So how does one soul that bears the scars of hopelessness from years past speak to another soul whose path has led them into similar despair? What words or images do we use to open their eyes to the world that is truly alive all around them? How do we carry their burdens for the time being, until they can recapture their wits and senses and continue on as they were before?

There are situations that absolutely strip people of any and every cause for continuing on. It begs them to throw their arms up and admit defeat, only the kind of defeat that it suggests is one in which you never recover. The Enemy steps in and captures our hearts through humiliation and shame, giving the terms by which we might internally crucify ourselves. We would not even stand a chance against His agenda were it up to us alone. But on the other side of experiencing such realities is the certainty that we were never created to hold the life of another individual in the palm of our hands. Our will, as earnest and passionate as it may be, is divorced from the decisions of everyone around us. We can point the way. And try as we might, we can attempt to drag that other person. But we cannot force another human soul to go where they have no desire to be led. If they choose to not see, we cannot make them see.

Yet this is the very issue that weighs me down, for so often a person's inability to see does not derive internally. Sometimes they are not ready to embrace the truth, for something has defiled their perspective and they do not see things as they truly are (though so often things are not only as they might appear). So what is the word that we might extend to them, beyond a word of life? We were fashioned for the sort of life that is worth living, one that reaches beyond itself and is built up amidst deep fellowship. We need each other if we intend to complete the journey that remains before us. We need people that will pry below the surface and not settle for patterned responses when the situation calls for it. We need souls that care enough to dig deeper and not refuse to follow-up even the faintest cry for help. We do not need to be fully understood, but we do need to feel loved and be given the chance to love in return. The Enemy would have us to be so clouded by our own hurt and resentment that we cannot partner with that person next to us. But we cannot give up offering the hope that has carried us thus far; the hope of a world that will one day be renewed, as well as our own hearts and lives. This pain that we now feel is only temporary. Yet no matter how deeply it roots itself, it will never reach beyond the caring and curing hand of our Father, who allows all things for our maturity and confidence.

.: damaged by departures :.

Is the promise of a friendship even a reasonable expectation anymore? How can we commit to remaining in fellowship with another soul whose destiny we have no control over? To even think that our proximity is manageable is a farce. Yet for so long, I have fought to keep almost every friend that I have discovered along life's pathway. I did as best I could to take the reins of our future and work things out so that the distance wouldn't cost us what we once held so dear. But I guess as I have listened to my heart this past year, I am learning that what I have struggled to do has been the equivalent of trying to hold a handful of sand. Try to hold your hand flat and steady, but it still manages to leak out little bits at a time. Squeeze your palm with all your strength... and you only succeed in losing even more. I am not speaking of burning relational bridges, for that bears internationality. My heart aches for the friendships that fall by the wayside as the years so cruelly pass us by. And for those who have perceived themselves as the only one fighting to keep intimate alliances alive, you must agree that we soon grow tired and frustrated in the face of feeling crushed under such burdens.

Well, I guess it has taken 30 years for me to discover that we are the ones who so often place such burdens there. Therefore lifting our hearts up and out from under them comes as easy as committing ourselves rather to something else. I suggest that instead of bearing a weight that we were never meant to endure, we free ourselves up by appreciating friendships throughout the time that they appear. But once we are separated by space and time, we both glory in what once was and hope for what will be on into the future. History has proved this true in my own life as someone who refuses to take relationships lightly. But all attempts to "keep things going" have been in vain and closeness soon turns to resentment when we do not feel like that other soul partners with us in doing the same. Part of me screams out against what appears to be my choosing to no longer care. However the deeper part of me sees this decision for what it is, recognizes my own human limitations, and rejoices because of all that is good. One of those good elements is my ability to still care for another person beyond our failure at "keeping in touch". We are parted for a period of time that we can never have power over. But should we ever be reunited, there remains a foundation that can be brushed off and redeveloped (even remodeled as the case may be between certain friends).

Come to think of it, this is exactly the sort of thing that touches upon how my heart longs for heaven. I long for friendships without boundaries or restraints. I eagerly await the endless years of never having to utter the words "goodbye". And when I stop to consider it, I suppose that is precisely the thing that make marriage so desirable, for it is the closest we can ever come to finding a friendship that escapes such social limitations. We all are marked with the scars of having close friends ripped out of our lives. The same thing used to shatter our worlds as children. I guess we have only learned to live with such pain as we have grown more and more used to its presence in our lives. But I still do not know what to do with the growing tendency within me to always prepare for such inevitable disintegration. It is almost as if I refuse to be hurt anymore by losing the presence of those who have been so close to me. I refuse to let my emotions be wasted away any longer by having allies stolen from me by situations we may never have expected. I would far rather rejoice in those who are in my life at any given moment, all the while extending them the liberty of no longer being there in the unseen tomorrows. Truth be told, it was never their desire to lose our friendship as well. But life has a way of weaving our paths together with souls that we care so deeply about. And as we mature, we become accustomed to that very pattern of unity and separation that makes up the whole of what it means to be human.

.: an absense of the essence :.

The Son of God came that we might be set free - not so we might be forced into another manner of oppression. Yet there is a wisdom without love that exists within so many of us. There is a wisdom without love that has cost us more than we may ever know. There is a wisdom without love that causes some to see themselves as kings, when all the while they are paupers. There is a wisdom without love that draws clear lines according to traditions and comfort. There is a wisdom without love that allows us to think that we are justified in doing so. There is a wisdom without love that has prepared us for self-destruction. There is a wisdom without love that fashions our words with sharp edges. There is a wisdom without love that prompts actions that bear diminishing results. There is a wisdom without love that clothes us with a vanity that everyone but us can so clearly see. There is a wisdom without love that divides our beliefs from authentic life. There is a wisdom without love that teaches us to shelter ambitions that are centered only in ourselves. There is a wisdom without love that uses theology to bring people into line rather than set them free. There is a wisdom without love that raises the concept of knowledge above that of relationships. There is a wisdom without love that drains all sense of passion out of genuine love. There is a wisdom without love that renders faith a heartless function. There is a wisdom without love that lives according to regulations. There is a wisdom without love that prides itself on maintaining every last rule. There is a wisdom without love that works every angle to advance its occupant. There is a wisdom without love that puffs itself up and struts amongst those whom threaten it the most. There is a wisdom without love that tears apart close fellowship. There is a wisdom without love that cares more for being right than for speaking to another heart. There is a wisdom without love that thrives upon rumor and reputation rather than character and purity. There is a wisdom without love that throws caution to the wind. There is a wisdom without love that rolls over others on its way to fulfilling its agenda. There is a wisdom without love that intends to rule over others. There is a wisdom without love that sees submission as weakness. There is a wisdom without love that exposes all faults but the ones that lay within the exposer. There is a wisdom without love that prides itself upon the wounds that it provokes. There is a wisdom without love that is determined to dominate its neighbor. There is a wisdom without love that uses any and every advantage that it holds over another. There is a wisdom without love that uses thoughts and opinions as a form of judgment and power. There is a wisdom without love that hides itself behind religious jargon. There is a wisdom without love that foolishly thinks one's context to be everyone else's. There is a wisdom without love that is deeply biased. There is a wisdom without love that preaches only the policies that it sees as fit. There is a wisdom without love that refuses to see or move beyond oneself. There is a wisdom without love that crushes out all sense of life, joy, and freedom within others that Christ intended to inhabit our lives. For the souls who pride themselves on having it all right and all together are so often the very ones who have missed the essence of the gospel of grace.

.: reasons to hear :.

The reason we come together is to hear the Story told again and again. We must be reminded of our past. We must recall all that has led up to this day in which we live. We sit and, as children, we listen to the tales of history. By means of the preacher, we are invited to remember our past, present, and glorious future. She or he brings to mind the variety of reasons why we are who we are, and all that binds us together as the family of God. Their words call us once again into action, nurturing lives that demonstrate the Gospel that we first received ourselves. The Story is brought once more before us so that it might continue to take deeper hold of our lives. We are made reminiscent of the kind of love that we ought to have towards one another, as well as the grace that makes that even possible. A space is created in which we can see, if for only moments at a time, how our own stories intertwine with our sisters and brothers in Christ. The eyes of our hearts are opened all over again to the purpose of our lives. We hear one more time the invitation to take part in the Kingdom of God as it becomes a greater reality upon this earth. We hear one more time of the freedom that is now ours because of the work of Christ, accomplished on our behalf. Our joining together in that building or gymnasium or chapel marks over and over again how those who were once His enemies have now become His beloved bride because of His resurrection. In the same way, we too are reminded of our own rebirth. In that place of confession and praise, we come together in such a way that we draw fellow souls back into fellowship with the Father, as well as with each other. We do it so that we are given reasons to not lose hope, to not grow disappointed, nor to wander away from the new life that we have received. Yes, there are days when it sounds far too familiar. Yet there are also days in which we hear such news as if for the first time, with new ears that work to awaken dying hearts. Through hearing the numerous stories that make up the grand Story, we see how the streams of our lives run in like fashion to those that once walked with our Savior. We receive comfort in the face of acknowledging our own failures as we see the similar failures of so many of those whom we call heroes. We receive direction in the midst of frequent voices that bid us to play it safe, to satisfy our own needs, and to fight for our own rights. And we receive a clearer vision for the Father's Kingdom in contrast to our own kingdoms that are quickly fading. There is new life that comes to us in the spaces where the Story is told to us. It is breathed into us through every inward recollection of the roles that have already played out, ones that encourage us to live out our own that much more fervently. The preacher faithfully jogs our memory (for that is his or her role) and we are reminded that our lives are not our own, that they have been bought at such a great price. There is power in the words that we receive. There is the call to great expectations that will in fact not be disappointed in the future. The years of our lives make sense once again. And once again we enter back into the mission field, each of us carrying the Story in our own words to those among whom we work, play, and live. That which we have received stands ready to be offered to those whom the Father has been preparing to share in the Story themselves.

.: taking you home :.

We have been away for some time now. Part of me is beginning to long for home. It feels like we have been through much, though so little of it could ever have been prepared for. We remain with family, but these places we come to are only for a little while longer. My health is waning. I feel like I can focus on nothing at all. We had sought this freedom for a while, but now that we are here, I feel caught in the plain and common. This has been a break from what we have grown used to. But just when life had changed, we were pulled into this corner of the world. Our time has almost come to an end. Some are never given such time at all. Now that we have given ourselves to every moment, we must say goodbye. I hate goodbyes! But they inevitably come and confront us in the midst of hoping to make it last forever. It is time for us to return, for my words no longer seem to carry any sense of focus or hopefulness. The games have served their purpose. Our stomachs have been filled and anything else we have wanted was ours for the taking. Maybe I could last a little longer if I did not feel like I was aching to come back to the familiar. Rest has not been like it always has been in the past. I have the impression that I am not the only one looking for a fast reason to rush back to where we dwell. My passion feels drained. My heart feels clouded. We have been missing each other by mere inches far more than either one of us ever agreed to. Yet night is now here. Soon the morning will come, and then we will gather what is ours and follow the signs back home.

.: liberated creatures :.

Those who have truly been set free have nothing left to lose. Yet these are the people that appear to be the largest threat to our so-called way of life, the games we have taught each other to play. They are the ones who have not bought into the lie that says that we must protect ourselves from everything and everyone around us. They are the kinds of people who have been liberated from the perceived need to self-preserve. Their guard is down, for there is nothing worth protecting that can ever be taken away from them. As everyone else works to maintain the "facade of okayness", they are the ones who continually give themselves away in the hopes that others might also find real life. These people carry themselves as ones who can no longer be controlled, not by anything nor by anyone. Their will is set free to do what it was created for. They bear a kind of openness that both draws certain souls out, as well as causes other souls to burrow down even deeper. They cannot be threatened, nor can they be any further exposed than they already sense that they are. Their junk is out there for comment and criticism. They are out in the open. They have let down their guard, though it is not due to any sort of failure or weakness.

Because of all that they have come through, they no longer see the need to keep up their defenses. Maybe this is because they know that One is defending them far better than they could themselves. Who knows? But their courage is rare, their strength is unfading, and their vision is 20/20. They are the ones who have finally learned to listen to their lifetime of mistakes. It now guides them rather than disgrace them as it has in years gone by. They seem disconnected from all attempts to humiliate them, for how can you bring any lower those who inhabit rock bottom. Comfort is a luxury that they gave up on long ago. Their methods are unconventional, and their motives are uncorrupted. They tend to give the impression that they can no longer be exploited for any sort of selfish gain. They have been beaten beyond recognition by circumstances and people, so you must look closely if you hope to find one. Their ability to identify oppression is remarkable. They are well acquainted with the kind of suffering that strips a man or woman of all privilege and means of benefit. While we cower from the world, they walk without restraint among the rest of living. We curse them for their freedom, for we ourselves refuse to be that free. They are unrestrained when it comes to how they express their faith. Though their theology may seem poor, their love for others is haunting. They appear as ones that are moved by grace and hope, rather than fear and safety.

We cannot help but notice their willingness to break down walls that remain between them and their neighbor. Their desires look as if they are deeply rooted in something higher or deeper than themselves. Their humility is anything but false. They allow others to speak (and more often than not, misspeak) about them, knowing that their actions will speak for themselves. They are not worried about being misunderstood, for it is something that they have come to expect after all these years. Their joy is intense, captivating everyone around them. They are wise beyond the mastering of any kind of worldly knowledge. They are clever in a way that cannot be taught in an institution, for their education has cost them their lives. These women and men are souls that grant immense light in our dark world because of how they have allowed the Truth to have its way in their hearts. Yet because we so often do not know what to do with them (out of fear or pride), once we discover such a liberated creature, we either dismiss their light... or do everything within our power to stomp it out completely. Their very freedom threatens our resolution to remain in bondage to our addictions. Nevertheless, as we continue to interact with them, their manner of life remains as a constant invitation to enter into the same sort of living ourselves. The subtle disruptions that they create within our hearts potentially become the catalyst for change in us as well.

.: an ode to the moment :.

If I lost you, my heart would most surely break. I may claim to be strong and think that I would go on, but I know myself. That one thing would certainly change it all. My identity may shift, but nevertheless my whole life would change for good. If I lost you, everything within me would come to a stand still. I would watch myself take slow breaths, and my ears would ring with the sound of an eternal sensation. My hands would freeze and my eyes would lock upon that one thing that I had been glancing upon only moments earlier. I would tell myself that it was bound to happen, but something deep within me would deny that I ever really thought it to be true. The inevitable would come crashing into the perishable. My mind would go to the last time I saw you, racing to find the final words you spoke to me in haste. If I lost you, I would fear beyond so much else the suggestion of returning home. I would find a way to numb myself, all the while begging myself to stay more sober than ever before. I would laugh in a way that I found uncomfortable, followed by tears to drench my anguish. I believe that the ache would begin to creep in, as much as I swore to friends and family that it would be okay. I would curse myself for ever having made myself vulnerable in the first place, while acknowledging that we had what so many only long for. I would claim it as my solitary moment in history, our wonderful life together. If I lost you, I doubt that I could ever seal the tear that I would forever carry inside of me. My loss would change my thoughts, my aspirations, and my principles. Every ideal that had formed within me would come up void, and pieces of me would feel the need to start all over. His voice would calm me, and would refuse to scold my unbelief. Every one would put together their finest speech and I would be the audience to hundreds of souls that really did mean well. The truest beauty would ring hollow and colors would soon fade to gray. Once those words reached my ears, I would struggle at first. Then I would tell myself to let go and not fight it. I would promise to willfully surrender all control over any and every subsequent urge. I would let the full weight of the report hit me, in the hopes that it would soon move on to some other poor soul. If I lost you, life as I know it would remain, but I would bear the will of a man who asks for nothing more. His glory would be noted as accomplished, but all suggestions to trust His hand would be rashly flung aside. I would speak my mind and He would understand my heart. If I lost you, I would wonder what I could have done better, knowing that the days gone by were some of our best. I would rejoice that you were spared from such pain, while offering all that I have to go through it with you one more time. Our friends would support me. Our families would share my lament. We would say our parting words and close the door on chapters of life shared with you. And though years would certainly treat me as fair as one might expect, my soul would long to have its closest friend back. My tears would bear witness to the shattering of once held confidences. My cries would resonate throughout my whole being and I would grasp onto anything that might offer me a firmer grip. If I lost you, my days would be marked with remembrance. My path would seem longer. My pace would feel slower. I would fight to stay present, but would catch myself living in the space that we used to share. And I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything about this was meant to be. Ours were the lives of two souls who communed together, if only for what might one day feel like mere moments.

.: fooled by flattery :.

We all like to hear good things said about ourselves. We all love to be caught up on the latest piece of positive gossip said about "yours truly". We love to love the people that love us. We often allow ourselves the simple pleasure of admiring those that are most sure to do the same in return. When was the last time you had to speak the truth about an enemy, no matter how hard it was to pay them that honest compliment? Yet we will give certain others the benefit of the doubt, assuming that their harsh words to us were really not harsh at all. I guess we just allow them to build up relational collateral through the shared journey, upon which either one of you can draw when the time demands such. There are a number of us who thrive on good words pointed in our direction. We depend upon the language of encouragement, and deal in the same currency with those around us as well. Our exchange of boundless respects and good wishes secure us a place among the well liked. Our acceptance costs us only a few extra kind words, so that we can go on making a name for ourselves. Rather than passing on words of grace, we say what we feel will reap what we so desire; recognition. Recognition for who we are. Recognition for what we do. Recognition for the one thing that apparently sets us apart. There is nothing wrong with blossoming in an encounter with admiration. But we must keep a level head in the face of our proclivity to use our nature or characteristics to edge ourselves above the rest. There is nothing that we have that has not been given to us. Who are you kidding, to say that you have created success by your own sweat and time? Your name is not your own. It was given to you when you were still a child. The role you play is one fashioned for you by community, environment, and circumstances. Sorry to say but your degrees and titles are all a smoke screen, one that you all too proudly crouch behind. You have learned to shelter your true self with rewards and abilities that supposedly put all others at some sort of disadvantage. A deep sadness should arrest our souls, knowing that for all these years we have simply been playing people to get them to say what we have longed to hear. But words far more important and central to our being are yet to be spoken, ones that will identify us as we truly are. Why then are we fulfilled with the glory of dying creatures as dying creatures ourselves? We walk a fine line between sustenance and snootiness. The praise of any given audience is a far too feeble shelter to call our home. So we continue on, receiving every declaration through a heart that knows from where it has come. Our past marks us as recipients of unending mercy, that which surrounds us beyond full view. Take what you are given, but know this. One day you will be told the summation of your life, your values and what you made of what you had. There will be no hiding then. So shouldn't we then teach ourselves to come out of hiding even now? Unfortunately, the ones who won't hear this are the very ones who need to hear it the most!

.: clarifying the compulsion :.

Obsession. The domination of all your thoughts and emotions by one single unrelenting idea. Being endlessly consumed by a certain image or desire. A longing that screams throughout your entire being. Anything that draws you away from what you were previously committed to. Call it a test of your manhood. Call it an examination of your determination. It sinks its roots deep within your heart and fills your mind with hopes of even the slightest satisfaction. It soon learns how to reason with you, breaking down your best defenses. It teaches you how to compromise and cooperate with its agenda. Though you try and try again, you so often find yourself moving closer and offering your life to it. It saps you of any kind of built-up strength. It will side with you as a friend, as well as oblige you as the tyrant that it is. It plays to your longings, only to later overwhelm your attempts to gain control.

You begin to form lesser addictions in the hopes that they will distract you from the one starring you in the face. Each moment at hand is far bigger to you than anyone else around. It costs you every time, though the price seemed strangely worth it at the time. You will suffer through incredible sadness in order to slowly present to others why it bears no threat. You have asked yourself time and again why you place your soul under its burden, yet the answer remains unsaid. Why can you not let this go? No one understands who has not been under its kind of influence. Even the most remote mention of its presence creates a halting silence between you and loved ones. You work to foster it even as friends and family strive to tear it down. You unthinkingly offer it the spare moments of your day, not knowing how it longs to master you. It works its way into your schedule. It plants itself into your beliefs, causing you to delicately word every spoken opinion. It conceals itself under the guise of entertainment, enterprise, or even duty. It causes you to become vigilant about condemning every other instance, providing you the chance to protect your own style of engagement. You pledge subtle rendezvous' once everyone around you grows suspicious. You parade the success it brings to those not yet sold, as if success was license for this inward deterioration. You say this will be the last outbreak. But trust me, you will find a new method, a fresh excuse, or some novel way of scratching the itch. You cannot be reasoned out of it. Reason has nothing to do with times of such enticement. If you were not attracted to it in the first place, you would not be working so hard to preserve it soon after. You foster it in isolation, all the while preaching its dangers to the public. It could be anything.

Too bad the church has given it only a handful of titles. We overlook its nature by giving it a specific shape and size. So many have built up walls against its manifestations, these same people fostering it in seemingly far less sinister forms. We all know the intimate pleasure of giving into it, though we would never expose it beyond any benefit it may subsequently propose to us. The reality is that we desperately need to see it for what it is: a competing threat to all that we already have in Christ. Rework the evidence to your heart's content; you will never get to have it both ways. You must choose for yourself, this day and every one to follow, which one you will strive to offer your whole being to. As you learn to hear the sounds of its disturbance within your spirit, take hold once again of the hope and joy that it thrives on stealing from you. Do not give it even another second's consideration! These moments do not come often, though they happen all the time.

.: always asking :.

Your life has changed greatly...
Will you continue to have faith?
This is not what you were expecting...
Will you continue to have faith?
You never could have seen this coming...
Will you continue to have faith?
This is harder than anything ever before...
Will you continue to have faith?

You have a certain reaction in mind...
Will you continue to have faith?

This is causing you to ask deep(er) questions...
Will you continue to have faith?
This is causing you to question Me...
Will you continue to have faith?
Circumstances are threatening to drown out My voice...
Will you continue to have faith?
Nothing about this feels familiar...
Will you continue to have faith?
You thought you had it all figured out...
Will you continue to have faith?
You thought you had Me all figured out...
Will you continue to have faith?
You have come up short...
Will you continue to have faith?
You are desperate and needy...
Will you continue to have faith?

"I have done and been all these things...

I will choose to continue to have faith in Him."

.: blinding abandonment :.

Do you understand what it feels like to be abandoned? Left with no idea how you will survive the road ahead. Stripped of all sense of confidence and peace. Riddled with fears that you may soon be exposed and made the fool. You who so consistently walk away, leaving me to give explanations that I am not prepared to give. Do you even suspect just what this does to me? To be isolated from the stillness that comes in knowing the truth. No doubt, this could have been cured long ago. We could have arranged for moments such as these. Nevertheless, neither one of us could have known that it would go on for as long as it has. What scares me is how you left with such gracious thoughtlessness. Did you really only consider yourself? The season draws you away from community. Fellowship is shattered by rationalized determination, though the cause is none other than you. Your choices were unexpected, but the results leave me with the greater load to bear. And I suspect that even a finely crafted argument would not keep you from walking away. The separation seems profound from where I stand. Was there honestly nothing you could do? Alarms are going off all around me, as well as deep within. I wish that I did not have to depend upon you. Shall I make provisions for the future? It is a frightening thing to place your trust in another soul, knowing that they can abuse it if they so choose. But I cannot have what lies here without surviving such desertion. I guess I would understand, if only slightly, if you had to go. But this was a verdict delivered by the hands of your own misled desires. And it is causing me to genuinely despise the elements that so often lure you away from here. I had hoped that you would stick it out, that you would remain here and find another way. But your history gives you away as a man who cannot make easy decisions such as these. Shall I mark you with the assertion that you just do not get it? Time will bear witness to these wonderings. Until then, I will find another way to escape being crippled by the loneliness. I will trust in the One who holds me in His hand... knowing that He has allowed you to leave.