.: damaged by departures :.

Is the promise of a friendship even a reasonable expectation anymore? How can we commit to remaining in fellowship with another soul whose destiny we have no control over? To even think that our proximity is manageable is a farce. Yet for so long, I have fought to keep almost every friend that I have discovered along life's pathway. I did as best I could to take the reins of our future and work things out so that the distance wouldn't cost us what we once held so dear. But I guess as I have listened to my heart this past year, I am learning that what I have struggled to do has been the equivalent of trying to hold a handful of sand. Try to hold your hand flat and steady, but it still manages to leak out little bits at a time. Squeeze your palm with all your strength... and you only succeed in losing even more. I am not speaking of burning relational bridges, for that bears internationality. My heart aches for the friendships that fall by the wayside as the years so cruelly pass us by. And for those who have perceived themselves as the only one fighting to keep intimate alliances alive, you must agree that we soon grow tired and frustrated in the face of feeling crushed under such burdens.

Well, I guess it has taken 30 years for me to discover that we are the ones who so often place such burdens there. Therefore lifting our hearts up and out from under them comes as easy as committing ourselves rather to something else. I suggest that instead of bearing a weight that we were never meant to endure, we free ourselves up by appreciating friendships throughout the time that they appear. But once we are separated by space and time, we both glory in what once was and hope for what will be on into the future. History has proved this true in my own life as someone who refuses to take relationships lightly. But all attempts to "keep things going" have been in vain and closeness soon turns to resentment when we do not feel like that other soul partners with us in doing the same. Part of me screams out against what appears to be my choosing to no longer care. However the deeper part of me sees this decision for what it is, recognizes my own human limitations, and rejoices because of all that is good. One of those good elements is my ability to still care for another person beyond our failure at "keeping in touch". We are parted for a period of time that we can never have power over. But should we ever be reunited, there remains a foundation that can be brushed off and redeveloped (even remodeled as the case may be between certain friends).

Come to think of it, this is exactly the sort of thing that touches upon how my heart longs for heaven. I long for friendships without boundaries or restraints. I eagerly await the endless years of never having to utter the words "goodbye". And when I stop to consider it, I suppose that is precisely the thing that make marriage so desirable, for it is the closest we can ever come to finding a friendship that escapes such social limitations. We all are marked with the scars of having close friends ripped out of our lives. The same thing used to shatter our worlds as children. I guess we have only learned to live with such pain as we have grown more and more used to its presence in our lives. But I still do not know what to do with the growing tendency within me to always prepare for such inevitable disintegration. It is almost as if I refuse to be hurt anymore by losing the presence of those who have been so close to me. I refuse to let my emotions be wasted away any longer by having allies stolen from me by situations we may never have expected. I would far rather rejoice in those who are in my life at any given moment, all the while extending them the liberty of no longer being there in the unseen tomorrows. Truth be told, it was never their desire to lose our friendship as well. But life has a way of weaving our paths together with souls that we care so deeply about. And as we mature, we become accustomed to that very pattern of unity and separation that makes up the whole of what it means to be human.