.: rain :.

It rained today for the first time in a while... Welcome to Vancouver!

Last night, we hosted our first community dinner. I had the privledge of preparing the main course... an hour and a half before everyone was ready to eat. So as the food got put back into the oven for another hour, I went into my room and felt myself begin to slide into a cruddy mood. Looking back on it now, 5 PM is kinda early to have dinner... but to have the remaining missing roommates slide in the door an hour after I had notified them to be here (the beauty of a community board), I felt myself grumble at a pretty intense level, just beneath the surface of my smiling face and anticipated words of forgiveness.

The night was an interesting one to say the least, because once again, I was reminded of how I can so easily become an introvert even in a crowd of good friends. Very few of the subjects were ones that I felt like I could offer good imput into, so instead I simply waited on our guests and took in the whole scenario. Yes, I am blessed to have a good amount of friends here at Regent... but so often I feel tempted just to slip into the mood of just focusing on my studies and really only offering myself to two or three people.

Even at the Retreat this past weekend (at Warm Beach), I was feeling some of this. I mean, I seriously have not felt that alone and exposed (as I was during certain parts of the Retreat) since High School. There just were so many people there... and they choose to organize all these events throughout the weekend, and then just head us off into them, assuming that we all already know each other. And I just sat there, thinking and reminding myself that I don't need anybody else... which is a great thing to tell yourself when you feel like no one is coming for you. I needed rescuing, and in a way God used a couple people to do just that. But these past 3 weeks have been a period of extremes where I so quickly fly from feelings of complete adequacy to ponderings of why exactly I am where I am at any given moment.

Sometimes all you can do is thank God that you yourself were rescued from those situations (if in fact your were) by something... anything. But a part of myself certainly says, "Do not let yourself end up in that situation ever again!" And you leave mental notes to yourself in order to remember such scenarios that left you dazed and feeling somewhere between out of control and just simply out of your element!

.: something :.

Life bears a deep unspoken sadness... but there are also new things happening all around us - even deep within us - which stirs us and we become (in turn) excited and eager for God's new work... to the world... in our church... in our families... in our friends... in our own hearts and minds.

Yes, indeed... God is at work!

.: he knew :.

One of the deepest realities that I have been waking up to lately is the idea that if I don't do things God's way and I take matters into my own hands, I have great cause to worry... for at that point, I am the one in control... and control over my circumstances is one thing I do not have. I need Him... I need Him in control! Thus, the sense and desire to be fully honest and upright have been heavy upon my heart as of late. I want to know more fully that He is indeed the One who is in control.

A particular passage I was wrestling with this past Sunday morning is that of John 2:24-25;

"But Jesus would not entrust himself to them... for He knew all men. He did not need man's testimony about man, for He knew what was in a man."

My thoughts: what exactly is "that"? What does Jesus know... and is it what I am maybe just now beginning to discover in everyone around me, as well as myself? The fact is, Jesus saw them for who they truly were - frauds, liars, manipulators... many of whom were trying to kill him. I get the sense that this passage is saying that he didn't need them to come through for him, and frankly he refused to trust them... for he knew exactly the thoughts and desires and motives of their hearts. He pulled no punches. He saw them fully, and so he carried himself with incredible wisdom and discretion around them.

Where do I fit into that, especially regarding how I carry myself around others... as well as in what ways I "entrust" myself to others? Just with regards to my expectations of others to come through for me; those come into a different light and I begin to discover much of my own personal heartache.

.: back for now :.

At 12:52 PM today, my brother and I pulled into our driveway from our trek home from Santa Cruz, CA. I have tons to do in order to get unpack from 3 months of life elsewhere... and to get repacked for 8 months of life back in beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia. I have missed this place (the Skagit Valley). I knew I had, but it hit me as I saw some of the most familiar sights (Mount Baker being one of the best things to see in a long time). It is over! I cannot believe it, but it is over. I was realizing today that this 3 month period was the longest that I have been away from home (at least on a permanant basis) since I went to Israel in the Fall of 1997. WOW!!! Well, what an amazing time I had down there at Mount Hermon.

Will there be a "next year"? Sign-ups begin in early February.

We shall see...

.: the days ahead and behind :.

I have been hanging with my brother for the past couple days, which has been a refreshing change of pace. Just a few more days and I am out of here... and eventually back to Vancouver for more school. This past month has been a different one in that I find so much of my daily attitude has shifted from being the center of attention and interested in staying out front (so to speak), to being far more quiet and contemplative and even sorrowful, far beyond what I typically experience. Some have mistaken the shift for being anything from mad to frustrated to wounded. And maybe in some ways I have changed with regards to some sort of wounds. But at the place I find myself in life lately, I would never know. For I am far too tired, far too clouded of mind, and far too indifferent to everything around me to be fully aware of what is going on in my heart.

I feel so many things, but cannot muster up the strength to follow them to their roots or ends. I catch myself at times flooded with thoughts, only to find myself distant from those very thoughts minutes to hours later. A few things I know to be true; this summer revealed something deep within my heart, as well as my circumstances and situation in life. It revealed just a little bit more of who I am, and what I mean to those around me. It caused me to realize the nature of many of my relationships, and it has managed to catch me off guard with feelings familiar to years far-gone from today.

My future fails to truly take my breath away... and knowing myself, I will refuse to go along with it for much longer than I can manage to tolerate. I guess what I really just miss beyond all these things is just a close friend, for these days are ones of a lonely journey... one which will continue for who knows how much further.

This one thing I know: I have no promises that I feel like I can cling onto.