.: this whole time :.

I have been longing for sweet success this whole time... I don't think so anymore. I have been waiting for my time to arrive... I don't care if it passes me by any longer. I have been hoping that my name would mean something... it wouldn't be so bad if I faded into an oblivion. I have been praying that I would explode onto the scene... I wouldn't mind if I catch no one's eye from here on out.

Have I given up? I doubt it. Have I seen the fraility of it all? Most definately. This whole time I have been following others down the path, looking for what so few find... only to discover that it could potentially cost me everything that I hold dear. The light that I have been searching for this whole time seems to be a bit brighter than I anticipated... to the point that I am discovering how it blinds some of the best of us. And the people are finally listening... but now the question surfaces: what do I really have to share?

What do I really want to share?

The enemy has a powerful way of encouraging me towards celebrity with some of the godliest decoration around. But at a moment when I stand to finally possess it, I am tired and worn out and carefree... at least from the things that I have been caring about for longer than I first realized. And at the end of the day, what has been accomplished? Anything greater than my own kingdom? Is it really as I see it? Have we been using the name of Christ to create our own space and time and history? It saddens me to see it over and over again - how much worse as I begin to survey the potential shame in my own life.

There was a time when I thought there was something to be made of what I am good at. Now I see that I am not the first one to risk making a mess of everything for the sake of finding "just a bit more". None of us can reasonably claim that we are beyond it all. Not one of us can think ourselves high enough - or even low enough - to escape bringing on ourselves the results of what we have secretively set as one of our noblest goals. And amidst all our claims that we want everything that He has to offer, we wake to learn that we simply wanted to blaze our own path... and possibly use what He gives us to go after even more.

I certainly am not above such things, and were it not for the Father's grace, I would most surely have some of my worst fears come true. But I am finding out that I am at a point where I am not convinced that that would not be quite possibly the greatest thing that I could hope for. Are we to shipwreck ourselves in the hopes of getting beyond what hangs over our heads? I don't know anymore. There will always be a way to spin the things that could be a disservice to our own reputation, but in the end, we accomplish what we have been dreaming of for so long. And we become the kings and queens of blazing castles, set aflame by the goals that we developed from everyone but the King of Kings.

There have been collapses in the past. This world is run amuck with the deepest of disappointments. And just when we thought we had it all under control, we let down the ones we were hoping to impress and influence... only to discover that the crash has brought a release that is strangely far sweeter than having kept everyone for so long cherishing the traditions and heritage that we have been driving to establish.

But I will always question the fraility of it all, while continuing to risk everything to find what lies just beyond my reach.

.: remember and return :.

To the child of My grace;

It seems like just yesterday that I gave you a wake-up call. In a matter of moments, your life was clearly revealed as "not your own", and many all around you thought that they would surely lose you. But I spared your life... and called you to return to Me. But having moved years away from that event, I am once again losing your heart. You no longer follow Me as you once did. What happened? Who called you away or wooed you with a seemingly better life? How have you managed to lose your first love? It breaks My heart to see you give your best strength away to that which is fading and temporary. It saddens Me to watch you bury yourself deeper and deeper into such shame and disgrace. And it hurts Me so deeply to watch you walk away from everything that I have promised you for that which you can have right now, though at such a tremendous price. Need I remind you of My great love for you? And though you may be far removed from Me, you are far from gone.

Remember all that has led up to this very day. Remember that I spared your life and gave you a new outlook on what it means to remain in this world. Remember... and repent. Confess your weariness and I will restore you with strength beyond limits. My son, I have held your hand through all of these years, and though you desire to leave Me behind, I refuse to let you go. You are far too valuable to Me as both My creation and My child. Seek me while I still may be found... and surrender your own plans to those that I have etched out before eternity. Enter back into My love, and walk with Me as you did not so long ago.

Return. Return to me. Return to your family - to friends who are waiting to take you back in and support you. Leave your old ways, your old habits, your old life... and come back to Me. I am willing to do what it takes to make you my own... but I will not force my perfect will upon you. I love you far too much to sabotage our relationship like that. I cannot make you love Me - that is a choice all of your own. But turn even the slightest and I will come to you - I will meet you in your brokenness. My grace awaits you. All you must do is cry out... and I promise - I will hear you.

.: thanksgiving :.

To celebrate the 2005 Thanksgiving, I had breakfast with my family, turkey with my relatives, watched the Broncos defeat the Cowboys in overtime... and drove my uncle's 2006 Corvette Sports Car! I missed last year's get-together, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until today. I had the chance to see my cousin and his wife's year old baby, Kaile. It is so rich how a person can feel so connected with family over something as common as a meal. There are so many things that I have to be thankful for... blessings that have been given to me, that I don't deserve by any means... people, situations, and gifts that the Father continues to pour out upon my life. And one of the greatest of those such blessings are men and women who are a part of my heritage - people that know me and love me, and that I continue to be stirred and deepened by simply through knowing and loving them.

Thank you, Father... for such things, for such life, and for all of You!

.: an unspoken hierarchy :.

What exactly is it within me that so often accuses me of pursuing a second-rate profession? I come from a church that exalts overseas missions as the godliest of works, as well as am attending an (un)seminary that puts the push on to be working with the underprivileged, with the minorities of this city, and with those who are being persecuted. So... serving as a pastor in a small church in the middle of America... or working with AIDS victims in Africa? Stay here, in a place that I admit offers comfort on some levels... or move across the ocean and give my life to working with those who would never have heard of Christ without my having gone there (which some of my missionary friends would say also offer avenues towards safety, though this is quite foreign to my own thoughts and experience)? And some could say in the same vein that to work in a church is even more noteworthy than those who choose a sort of "marketplace" profession, though I myself would disagree on the basis of the priesthood of all believers.

Yes, yes... it is all a matter of perspective! But coming back to the question at hand, why am I continually haunted by the thought that to be a pastor is not as commendable as being a missionary? There are two realities (which I must be reminded of daily) that seemingly factor in; one, I wrestle with the concept of using the role that I have been called to by God to glorify myself. I have been given a gift... and it resides in the life of someone who loves to honor himself. So these issues reveal my own desire for more self-exaltation. But two, which is along the same lines, I have been called to do this. This isn't just some profession that I have chosen out of an array of other veisible options. The pastoral ministry is my goal... it is my drive... it has become to me a passion that is touched upon and excited in me all the time. This is what I want to do... though sometimes I question how that will ever become a reality when my own inability seems to shine through at any given instance.

So who has the right to question or even demean my desire for service in light of all believers being equal before God? I must fight against that which furthers that sort of vocational / spiritual hierarchy within the Body. And I myself must be reminded that God has called different people to different roles... and who are we to say that one person's role is far more valuable than another's? If we have been called, we are compelled to follow He who invites us into what we are to make of our lives. I sense that there is a glory that awaits each and every one of us who remains faithful to the Father, who sees far better the plan that He has intended for the vision of His Kingdom than those who are submitted members.

The way I see it, some people have been unqiuely gifted and prepared for overseas work. At this point in my life, I am being crafted for a different role - filled with the Spirit and anointed to do this task. And it would be wise of us to carry our vocations in a place separated far from the place of our identities (primarily the source for such). What would it look like for a person to hold his or her vocation with an open hand, rather than using it for selfish gain and status within their community, church, or world? At the end of the day, we must seek the Father's will and do what He lays upon my heart (though it is this very heart level in which I wonder if I have just been successful in avoiding work that I just don't want to do... or even fear is not in me to do). But for me, I fear that I am possibly seeking glory in the process of being treated so poorly. It's a shame that I so often play into the Devil's hands by twisting that which has been given by God to build His Kingdom to fashion my own.

.: just what you need :.

I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is wishing you had a certain song... only to find it on a CD that you already own. It's desperately wishing you had a pair of warm gloves for your bike trip... and opening a drawer to find a pair that you got last Christmas. It's wishing you could see the commerical that everyone is talking about... and then turning on the TV and it being the next thing you see. It's being reminded that you wanted to buy that one item, and have wanted to for some time... only to find it that same day on the clearance rack as you roam to the back corner of a store. Some would call those moments "kisses of God"... others would just figure them to be random occurances that hint at luck. Whatever they are, it is so exciting to live the sort of life that is just chock full of them... and spread throughout an entire lifetime. They seem to stir a joy that is strangely deep within me. Never knew such little things could touch my heart... but they do.

I needed that tonight, having just come out of the weekend that I did.

.: refreshment :.

Had a great weekend. Went home to celebrate my dad's birthday. Ate at one of my favorite restaurants (Anthony's Homeport). Saw a couple good flicks ("Kingdom of Heaven" & "Batman Begins"). Bought a sweet Trek mountain bike (first one in 15 years). Had dinner with family and relatives. Got the majority of my fatty History research paper done. Saw some old friends at church and around the Valley. Got my pastor to say the word "weasel" in his sermon. Watched the Seahawks smash the St. Louis Rams for the second time this season.

Excited for tomorrow. Refreshed for the week ahead.

Can't wait to get back home and ride my bike some more.

.: not buying it :.

I'm not buying it anymore!

This philosophy of living that says that the more productive a person is with their life, the more deserving of honor they are. This idea that the harder we work, and the more fires that we have our irons in, the more "worthwhile" we are living. This haunting belief that I am simply not doing "enough" (as if there were a set limit to how much I need to do to have reached the exalted amount) - I simply refusing to live like that anymore. Not to say that I am cured or fully resolved or will never go back... but I am well into the journey of learning to live the sort of life that Christ calls us to - one that centers on Sabbath. The very thing that flies in the face of everything that this world is trying to mold us into. Rest like He speaks of is the antithesis of even the standard jargon that the Church uses, both verbally as well as implies by the very lives of its given leadership.

Christ says...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

This idea that we have to stay well-published... this idea that we have to stay on the "circuit" of sought-after speakers... this idea that there are always new conferences that we have to be a part of... this idea that there is always more that I can do, and more involvement that I am capable of, and more groups that I can head up... this idea that we have to spend 14 hours a day pouring over the vocation that we have chosen... this idea that we need to keep all our plates spinning - I was never made to live like that!

Christ says...
"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

That is His design for me... those are the intentions of His plan for my life. And how often do I simply burden myself with that sort of soul-killing, consuming mentality that drives to live like the very people who are paying the price of healthy families and peaceful homes... for the sake of a career, a name, and a future? It only seems to me that we play right into the hands of the enemy to "steal, kill, and destroy" by living in ways that achieve his aim and goals.

I am waking up to the reality that the "full life" is a rested life... a paced life... a life disconnected from those sorts of selfish agendas, no matter how much we dress them up with spiritual garbs and claim them as the actions of someone redeemed. Especially as a seminary student, there is a philosophy of living that creeps into our hearts and minds, which obligates us to live in un-human ways (i.e, not the way we were created to live, in harmony with the principles of Sabbath, rest, refreshment, and above all things... wholeness). The reality is that even our school walls are filled with people well into the work of living fractured lives of esteemed busyness... with multiple classes, hours of work on the side, a church (or two) to minister at, as well as other ministries towards which they can cast the remaining moments of their lives awake.

In a way, I feel His living Spirit granting permission to seek out things that I desire rather than things that I feel that I "ought to do". I feel freedom to actually commit myself to rest, rather than claim it in the few minutes between studying and sleeping. I even sense Him creating "space" within my life to be restored, even before I find that I desperately need it (after all, we tend to only reward ourselves with a break after we have driven our very souls into the dust, don't we?).

No more lifestyle of "all-nighters"... no more lifestyle of cramming sessions... no more lifestyle of bearly getting by... and no more lifestyle of shaming myself out of listening to the voice grown weary of crying out for rest. And in the place of such praised activities... a place where I can find rest for my very soul... a place of discovering encouragement and strength to continue on (note I did not say "drive myself forward", a task I am well familiar with)... a place where such a "pause" is even mandatory.

The sad reality is that what awaits those who live like this (not just for days or weeks, but years and centuries) is somewhere along the lines of having guilt cast on them... being accused of being lazy or weak... finding themselves as the punchline of jokes told behind closed doors... and claims that "they just don't have what it takes".

World... I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES... not to live like you are wanting me to live. But I am learning to resign myself to that healthy awareness... and I am only now finding reasons for why I could not keep up the sort of pace that you held before me all these years!

And I refuse to feel bad for living in a healthy and whole manner any longer.

.: longing to be distracted :.

This semester is turning out to be a time in which I am getting far more done than I have in the past. This is certainly essential, considering the fact that I have far more to do this term. But as I so often fail to see, God has been preparing me for times such as these in terms for greater strength and deeper passion.

But that doesn't mean that I still don't groan with the slightest bit of jealousy when I see people playing games or watching movies as I head off to work on one of my three papers for the term. Sure, I have little things (such as this small post) to offer me "pauses" within my busy day... but they aren't the same as having the opportunity to throw caution to the wind and wasting an entire day (maybe even a couple hours would be just as fun), far far away from books and notecards and homework.

But within these recent times, I am discovering a touch of clarity concerning the benefits of using my time wisely. Sure, it's fun to get to talk about a movie that you just saw... but I am discovering a real joy in sticking my nose in a book - any good book (am I really writing this?). And yeah, it's fun to get away from the community house and do something fun and unique with friends... but within me cries out the potential benefits of possibly going even deeper in my current studies.

All than to say that school has become richer lately. But once I can get this Augustine paper off my shoulders, I think I just might enjoy being here a little bit more, what with some (seemingly) extra time on my hands and the light at the end of the tunnel in my sight!

.: our presentation :.

Maintaining a regular quiet time is such a tricky thing. And for most of us, we wake each morning with far too much on our hearts and minds to even make the smallest attempt. After all, what is the use? Being children of our self-consumed culture, we fail to see how it benefits us... and we rush into our days off to activities that seemingly make more sense to enter into. Because the purpose isn't blazingly obvious, we seek out things to entertain ourselves with that seem to come with better instructions and results.

But I think the very heart of such a divine habit centers on daily presenting yourself before the only One who can soften our hearts. As we enter into a time of inward reflection and worshipful meditation, or even continue our wrestling match with the Father over issues that may seemingly cost us our very faith, it is as if we are mustering up as much strength as possible and placing ourselves back into His open hands (for it so typically only takes us somewhere between hours to mere minutes to crawl out of them in search of that self-controlled life). And once we are in His presence, we drop our defenses (as best we can, for much of it lies against the Father Himself) and invite Him to once again soften our hearts.

That for me is the essence of what it means to have a habitual devotional life, for our very act of devotion is driven by humbling submission and crying out from the very core of our being for God to speak to us at such a level that we are united with His own heart and mind. We present ourselves in any way we can think of (to think that in our unique creativity, in harmony with our very design, and through knowing our own hearts, we approach Him in manners that are deeply personal to us), asking for Him to soften our calloused hearts and deeply rooted cynicism and refusal to take Him at His word. And we do such things knowing that it is His very desire for us to be softened and truly known and possessed by His Living Spirit.

I fear that we have come to some sort of a belief that there is one right way to "have devotions" (that very phrase strikes a chord within me that causes me to run in the very opposite direction from wherever it came), and that unless we figure it out, we are merely wasting our time or going through the motions. But the truth be known, we are given access to the Father by our very nature, which has been changed forever by the work of His Son. And the Father has no expectations or proper manner for how we are to approach Him, but rather He bears the deep desire that we simply come... and enter into deeper communion with Him.

Isn't that refreshing... even inviting?! I do not have to have the right words (which I so often don't), but I can simply offer as much of me as I am in touch with and aware of... and I can lay it before Him. And in deeply personal ways, the Father moves towards us (at ways we don't even realize or sense) and takes what He offers. Sometimes He simply takes what we offer... and yes, sometimes (often times) He asks for more, though not in a demanding fashion but in a manner that reveals His passion for intimacy with us (again, to know us and by known by us). But all we must do is come... with our guard dropped... with our own agendas hand-in-hand with as much of His will as we know at that given moment (we certainly must acknowledge both since both lay heavy upon our hearts)... and with a readiness to receive whatever He has to offer, which most always is a taste of the "everything" and the "eternity" that He is so desperate to give us.

We come before Him as often as we can, crying out for Him to breathe new life into our weary state of being. We acknowledge our deepest feelings (both frustration and thankfulness, anger and pain, sadness and joy), we ask some (if not all) of our hardest questions within the reality that it simply may not be for us to ever know this side of existence, and we stand ready to receive anything with somewhere between little to lots of expectations of how He ought to reciprocate.

But the beauty lies in our presenting ourselves before Him at such a level that we commune with Him... even if it is for moments at a time. The King is not sitting pridefully on His throne, seeking to keep His distance from His unworthy subjects. He is reigning beyond our wildest imaginations, far beyond what we are even capable of acknowledging... and that reigning King is seeking to reveal His glory within our lives within the context of our growing fellowship with Him. The awesome reality is that the mighty King is our loving Father who longs for us to see Him as He truly is.

But how can I when I am daily taking myself up on the offers and excuses for avoiding Him, whether it be out of confusion, frustration, or even simple unawareness?