.: not buying it :.

I'm not buying it anymore!

This philosophy of living that says that the more productive a person is with their life, the more deserving of honor they are. This idea that the harder we work, and the more fires that we have our irons in, the more "worthwhile" we are living. This haunting belief that I am simply not doing "enough" (as if there were a set limit to how much I need to do to have reached the exalted amount) - I simply refusing to live like that anymore. Not to say that I am cured or fully resolved or will never go back... but I am well into the journey of learning to live the sort of life that Christ calls us to - one that centers on Sabbath. The very thing that flies in the face of everything that this world is trying to mold us into. Rest like He speaks of is the antithesis of even the standard jargon that the Church uses, both verbally as well as implies by the very lives of its given leadership.

Christ says...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

This idea that we have to stay well-published... this idea that we have to stay on the "circuit" of sought-after speakers... this idea that there are always new conferences that we have to be a part of... this idea that there is always more that I can do, and more involvement that I am capable of, and more groups that I can head up... this idea that we have to spend 14 hours a day pouring over the vocation that we have chosen... this idea that we need to keep all our plates spinning - I was never made to live like that!

Christ says...
"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

That is His design for me... those are the intentions of His plan for my life. And how often do I simply burden myself with that sort of soul-killing, consuming mentality that drives to live like the very people who are paying the price of healthy families and peaceful homes... for the sake of a career, a name, and a future? It only seems to me that we play right into the hands of the enemy to "steal, kill, and destroy" by living in ways that achieve his aim and goals.

I am waking up to the reality that the "full life" is a rested life... a paced life... a life disconnected from those sorts of selfish agendas, no matter how much we dress them up with spiritual garbs and claim them as the actions of someone redeemed. Especially as a seminary student, there is a philosophy of living that creeps into our hearts and minds, which obligates us to live in un-human ways (i.e, not the way we were created to live, in harmony with the principles of Sabbath, rest, refreshment, and above all things... wholeness). The reality is that even our school walls are filled with people well into the work of living fractured lives of esteemed busyness... with multiple classes, hours of work on the side, a church (or two) to minister at, as well as other ministries towards which they can cast the remaining moments of their lives awake.

In a way, I feel His living Spirit granting permission to seek out things that I desire rather than things that I feel that I "ought to do". I feel freedom to actually commit myself to rest, rather than claim it in the few minutes between studying and sleeping. I even sense Him creating "space" within my life to be restored, even before I find that I desperately need it (after all, we tend to only reward ourselves with a break after we have driven our very souls into the dust, don't we?).

No more lifestyle of "all-nighters"... no more lifestyle of cramming sessions... no more lifestyle of bearly getting by... and no more lifestyle of shaming myself out of listening to the voice grown weary of crying out for rest. And in the place of such praised activities... a place where I can find rest for my very soul... a place of discovering encouragement and strength to continue on (note I did not say "drive myself forward", a task I am well familiar with)... a place where such a "pause" is even mandatory.

The sad reality is that what awaits those who live like this (not just for days or weeks, but years and centuries) is somewhere along the lines of having guilt cast on them... being accused of being lazy or weak... finding themselves as the punchline of jokes told behind closed doors... and claims that "they just don't have what it takes".

World... I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES... not to live like you are wanting me to live. But I am learning to resign myself to that healthy awareness... and I am only now finding reasons for why I could not keep up the sort of pace that you held before me all these years!

And I refuse to feel bad for living in a healthy and whole manner any longer.