.: this whole time :.

I have been longing for sweet success this whole time... I don't think so anymore. I have been waiting for my time to arrive... I don't care if it passes me by any longer. I have been hoping that my name would mean something... it wouldn't be so bad if I faded into an oblivion. I have been praying that I would explode onto the scene... I wouldn't mind if I catch no one's eye from here on out.

Have I given up? I doubt it. Have I seen the fraility of it all? Most definately. This whole time I have been following others down the path, looking for what so few find... only to discover that it could potentially cost me everything that I hold dear. The light that I have been searching for this whole time seems to be a bit brighter than I anticipated... to the point that I am discovering how it blinds some of the best of us. And the people are finally listening... but now the question surfaces: what do I really have to share?

What do I really want to share?

The enemy has a powerful way of encouraging me towards celebrity with some of the godliest decoration around. But at a moment when I stand to finally possess it, I am tired and worn out and carefree... at least from the things that I have been caring about for longer than I first realized. And at the end of the day, what has been accomplished? Anything greater than my own kingdom? Is it really as I see it? Have we been using the name of Christ to create our own space and time and history? It saddens me to see it over and over again - how much worse as I begin to survey the potential shame in my own life.

There was a time when I thought there was something to be made of what I am good at. Now I see that I am not the first one to risk making a mess of everything for the sake of finding "just a bit more". None of us can reasonably claim that we are beyond it all. Not one of us can think ourselves high enough - or even low enough - to escape bringing on ourselves the results of what we have secretively set as one of our noblest goals. And amidst all our claims that we want everything that He has to offer, we wake to learn that we simply wanted to blaze our own path... and possibly use what He gives us to go after even more.

I certainly am not above such things, and were it not for the Father's grace, I would most surely have some of my worst fears come true. But I am finding out that I am at a point where I am not convinced that that would not be quite possibly the greatest thing that I could hope for. Are we to shipwreck ourselves in the hopes of getting beyond what hangs over our heads? I don't know anymore. There will always be a way to spin the things that could be a disservice to our own reputation, but in the end, we accomplish what we have been dreaming of for so long. And we become the kings and queens of blazing castles, set aflame by the goals that we developed from everyone but the King of Kings.

There have been collapses in the past. This world is run amuck with the deepest of disappointments. And just when we thought we had it all under control, we let down the ones we were hoping to impress and influence... only to discover that the crash has brought a release that is strangely far sweeter than having kept everyone for so long cherishing the traditions and heritage that we have been driving to establish.

But I will always question the fraility of it all, while continuing to risk everything to find what lies just beyond my reach.