.: all there is :.

My fear? That I am going to blow it before I even arrive to the place that I am not preparing myself for. Lately, it has been a fear that I will have wasted my life at seminary, excusing away my need to be actively involved in communicating the Gospel in clear and tangible ways to nonbelievers on account of my studies and education. I have been wrestling with the reality that life is not secure in such a way that I do not know how much longer I will live on this earth. And one of the fears that I have been living with is that I will have disappointed my Father because I was studying when I should have been serving in missions (a place that requires no education, therefore no "wasted life" at school). That I will die having never lived out what He intended for me.



But an even deeper fear is that I will say or do something that will cost me everything that I have been working towards... and I don't know how I can rule out that possibility with any permanence. So I guess that I will just have to trust that my Father will keep me from that (unless that is His plan all along. No, that can't be!) His desire is to use me in pastoral ministry. But I am called this day, and the days, weeks, months, and years to follow... to faith. Faith that I will arrive at my final destination (which is greater than a pulpit, but it is a place of wholehearted abandon to Him in love, in such a way that His will for my life is accomplished). Faith that I am enough and I have what it takes, especially through the work of the Spirit, to do what I have been called to do... to be what I have been called to be. Faith that His plan for my life is greater than my daily moments of truly thinking that I can find real life elsewhere. Faith that thinks, moves, and lives in harmony with my identity... not just someone who longs to be accepted by others, but someone who is a threat to our Enemy when I am exactly where I need to be (at the center of the Father's good and perfect will).



My being here in this place is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. My being involved in academic study for three years is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. My heading into ministry, being who I am, having lived how I have lived... and still live even today, is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. He is desperate to throw me off track. He is desperate to blur my focus and get me distracted. He is dying to root fears into my heart that will cause me to trust my own ability rather than the heart of the Father. And in some areas, he is succeeding greatly. But my Father promises that His own strength is greater than that of the Enemy, so I need not fear. But that lack of need to fear comes only through faith and love and devotion. And that is what I am called to; faith... love... and devotion. I am called to abandon myself to these things... and to live in such a way as to not betray my own identity.



Father...

Walk with me in such a way that I regain a clear focus of who I am. You have been silent for some time now, but I am beginning to see Your silence as part of the plan. I desire to walk in harmony with where You are leading me, and though my heart so often is drawn to realities so much easier to obtain (ones that are within my grasp, such as being liked, rather than ones that seem to elude me, ones that we must work together towards), I desire to desire what You are slowly but surely creating as new desires within me. Speak to me in ways beyond words, the ways that You have been speaking for some time now, and walk with me in all of this. For I cannot... I will not... make it if You are not clearly guiding me through the uniting of our hearts and lives. And allow me to sense Your closeness, and in that, remind me of who I am... and who I am in terms of Your deep love for me.

.: oh so quiet :.

So you thought that I had abandoned my blog in an attempt to do something more productive with my time!? HA... not likely. No... instead... the server that my blog runs through has been seriously messed up (I would go into details, but little kids may stumble upon this webpage and I don't want their delicate consciences to be seared), so needless to say (but I will say it anyway)... the Blog Less Traveled hasn't been letting me post to it.



But a new day has come... my faithful servant, Jason Nelson, worked his fingers to the bone (literally up into the wee hours of the morning)... and righteousness has prevailed once again.



As for me, I have a huge project that I am working on that consists of writing a review for Rick Warren's bestseller, and presenting to my class on what the book and Warren himself have to offer to contemporary churchs and pastors. It was only supposed to be 15 pages long... so far I have written 21 pages. (Yicks!) And in addition to that, I have a sermon for my "Preaching and Worship" class to get ready for (Matthew 20:1-16) so I do not have time to post much more than this brief update.



But hang with me and I will see if I cannot get some thoughts up on here pretty soon that we can all ponder.

.: candles of thought to light my way :.

These are the top ten quotes from Rick Warren's book, "The Purpose Driven Life", which it just so happens that I finished today. I am usually not given to reading the Christian pop culture materials that come out, which everyone and their mom reads, but for the sake of theology and the possibility of personal edification, I thought I would give it a go.



1) "God invites you to participate in the greatest, largest, most diverse, and most significant cause in history - his kingdom." (p. 298)



2) "Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface chit-chat. It is genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level, sharing. It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer." (p. 139)



3) "Because God is love, he treasures relationships. His very nature is relational, and he identifies himself in family terms: Father, Son, and Spirit. The Trinity is God's relationship to himself." (p. 117)



4) "One of the most profound examples of serving from a secure self-image is Jesus' washing of the feet of his disciples. Washing feet was the equivalent of being a shoeshine boy, a job devoid of status. But Jesus knew who he was, so the task didn't threaten his self-image." (p. 269)



5) "Pain is the fuel of passion - it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess." (p. 98)



6) "God develops the fruit of the Spirit in your life by allowing you to experience circumstances in which you're tempted to express the exact opposite quality!" (p. 202)



7) "Seeking a feeling, even the feeling of closeness to Christ, is not worship." (p. 109)



8) "People often build their identity around their defects." (p. 220)



9) "Surrendering is not repressing your personality. God wants unique your personality. Rather than its being diminished, surrendering enhances it." (p. 80)



10) "When we focus on personalities, preferences, interpretations, styles, or methods, division always happens. But if we concentrate on loving each other and fulfilling God's purposes, harmony results." (p. 162)



There is enough fodder here for my blog for the next month, but I cannot fully deal with all these outside of possibly relating to them as it seems appropriate in the near future. I just wanted to offer the nuggets of a book that I approached with some skepticism... and ended up discovering some things that really resonated within me. They were what made the book worth the price that I paid for it... though I am not sure that I would put it on my top ten list of books. Any thoughts?

.: words :.

I must write...

I am given to write...

I have a gift... and that gift must be used.

Words...

Words pour forth from my heart and from my head...

And I must write them.

Such words are like fire within my bones...

I am compelled to pour them out through pen onto paper.

Ideas...

I have ideas that cry out to be captured.

They are fleeting...

I do not honestly know if I can contain them.

My heart speaks to me at the most inconvenient of times...

In the silence, too, such ideas come to me.

Thoughts...

Ponderings that have shifted and have brought new life and light into my soul.

Thoughts that give my identity...

Or better yet, speak to that which has been confirmed within me time and time again.

Thoughts that form precise phrases within me... and I am suddenly caught up in a dream.

Thoughts that carry melodies...

Thoughts that sing rich songs within my heart.

If I fail to capture such thoughts, they will surely carry themselves off to other people who will give them greater care and concern.

That is at the heart of my identity as a writer - to be truly remembered.

But I do not create such things within myself...

No, rather, I allow for such to flow out of me...

And I am caught up in the beauty of capturing them as they present themselves.

Thoughts of grandeur... thoughts of romance...

Words of hope... words of frustration...

Ideas of adventure... ideas of rich joy.

And I am the vehicle through which they choose to travel.

I did not ask of the Father for such... He has rather prepared me for this!

He created me... He crafted me...

He designed and designated me for such.

And these words... these words carry me beyond the place that I so often find myself.

These words are a means of escape... they transport me to places that I long for.

They are words of realities yet to be found, though always searched for.

I am a man caught up in "creation"... by the hand of my Father.

I, too, have been made a creator.

So many have been given so much to dream of and create.

My own creations come through words.

.: the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day :.

I can honestly say that today was the worst day of my entire graduate school career, at least for as far back as I can remember. It was going to be such a lovely day too! I woke up early at 7 AM to get a jump on the day and I was going to spend the majority of it at one of my favorite libraries, where the 6th floor offers a great overview of some of the UBC campus. I had had a good breakfast and was already to go...



But then as I was walking out the front door, I noticed that it was raining (as predicted), and decided to run back inside to grab an umbrella. But with the doorframe being as low as it is (you have to step up to get out the door), I managed to hit the side of my head pretty good. Good news / bad news: good news... I didn't have a headache. Bad news... I managed to tweak my neck somehow and it instantly began a pain that I have had for the past 8 hours. And I'm not even talking about the kind of pain where you just take an aspirin and rotate your head a bit until the pain goes away. This pain has been deep within the back of my neck, spreading out to my shoulders, up into my head, and down into my upper back. It has even spread into my arms.



So what did I do? I took two 222's (a Canadian aspirin which is like a slice of heaven) and went into the rain, hoping that the pain would go away. This is where bad instantly went to worse. The rain has managed to melt most of the snow, but now we have to walk around on a mixture of wet ice and 4-inch deep slush, which just so happened to seep into my new shoes. I then got on the bus, having gotten soaking wet on my entire left side (my umbrella is pathetic to say the least), only to be stuck at the front. And the driver was super jittery, so we kept getting jerked around, which only aggravated my neck pain that much more.



Then as we got to the campus, I stepped in a huge puddle (I can seriously hear you laughing out loud right about now!) in an attempt to jump over it. I finally made it to the library, where I did after everything manage to get the perfect seat on the 6th floor... only to suddenly realize that a great view means nothing when the rain and clouds are out (that shot to the neck must have disconnected my brain). But after reading for over 4 hours straight (which was frustrating with my aching neck, which was only getting more and more inflamed as I sat there), I found out that the library didn't have two of the books that I needed, and that I now needed to go all the way over to Regent, which is only a 10 minute walk, but in the rain I was reintroduced into the misery happening outside. And the rain had now turned horizontal, which made my pathetic umbrella even more inadequate and made my hands itchy because of the loss of feeling outside from the blistering cold.



So I finally made it to Regent and found what I needed... but as I was trying to get through all my reading, a friend came along and hit me on the head... which made me want to scream. So I finally counted my losses, packed up, and came home... only to remember that Monday is laundry day. I did manage to cheer myself up with twice as much pain medication (though it did nothing for me, so I don't really know why I decided to take more, other than the fact that there is nothing else to take for my pain), put on old warm clothes and slippers, and post to my blog.



About the only beautiful part of my day was the fact that I wrote a poem (I guess you could call it that), but I am seriously in too much pain to post right now (I will try tomorrow!). If there were any sleeping pills around here, I think I would take twice the suggested dosage, crawl into bed, and pray for a better day tomorrow. But tonight is roommate dinner night, and I really don't want to miss that! So I will deal with the pain, have myself a great meal and some good conversation, and hit my pillow tonight (which I think is the source of all my problems since it was aggravating my neck all last semester).







Please feel free to post all your bad day stories...

.: salvation of our stuff :.

I have been in the habit lately of beginning my mornings by listening to some of my favorite pastors and teachers, so as to focus my heart and mind on life in general, as well as specific issues that I want to hear more about. It also keeps me from just jumping into my day and allowing it to blur into every other day. This morning, I was listening to Rob Bell talk and it was stirring within me some things that I have already been wrestling with. Having just come through Christmas, I have more than a couple items that cost more than a couple bucks. So in light of the couple specific missionaries that I can instantly think of that could be more than blessed with such money (that which went towards my Christmas presents), is it appropriate that I have them? A good question, indeed.



This is one of those subjects that I would love your thoughts on! I have been thinking for some time now that something needs to change in my own life - not just in terms of what I have or don't have, but rather in terms of how I view my material possessions and the place that they have in my life. Rob had some pretty insightful stuff to say, especially in terms of how Zacchaeus was redeemed in terms of his finances. I want to be someone who feels open to have nice things, maybe even nicer than what would be considered average. But even more, I want my finances to demonstrate my new life in Christ. What that looks like is seemingly different for different people. What are your thoughts? Do I sell my car, my stereo, my iPod, my laptop... and give it all to the poor? Especially in terms of the Tsunami Relief Funds all over the place, do I deserve (that is not even the right word, I know) to have such nice possessions? Post away...

.: graduate fears :.

So on the day of my first class for the 2005 Winter term, I was gripped with a fear that has become somewhat common to me during my time here at Regent; the fear that today might be the day that everyone finds out that I don't belong here. I am studying among some mental heavyweights, so you will understand why I so often am faced with such a possibility. I am downright fearful that I will somehow be singled out by either a professor or specific students, and by way of something that I either say or don't say, they will realize that I am playing in a league higher than I am geared and prepared for.



But then I did as I so often do, just as when I have been confronted with that fear in the past. I reminded myself (but better yet, the Spirit reminded me) that I have everything that it requires to be here. I reminded myself that I deserve to be here... and even more, that I have been led here by the Father. I may feel myself to be an oddity at this graduate school, but in the end, Regent needs people like me as much as it needs other types. No one holds an advantage over me in terms of being any more human... any more created by God... or any more worthy in the eyes of the Father.



Certain people may get things quicker than I do. That's okay. Certain people may understand a particular field or system or author than me. That's fine. Certain people may be able to recall every single thing that they have been taught since Kindergarden. But I have no reason to run or hide. I have no reason to play dumb or avoid situations that might expose me as not knowing as much as everyone else. That doesn't mean that I am ignorant! I have worked hard to be where I am... and even more, I have been brought here and belong here. Other people's abilities fall far from dictating who I am as a person.

.: a new season :.

It is late into the evening... there is snow outside my windows... and a brand new semester begins tomorrow for me. I am beginning a brand new term here at Regent, and within me is a mixture of excitement and sadness. Sadness because my break is over, and for as much as I desired to be back here, there certainly are feelings of wishing for just a few more days back home. But then again, that is how vacation so often goes for me - the desire to be home during it and the desire to have more when it is over.



But along with my sadness is a rich excitement. An excitement as I fill out a fresh 2005 calendar with school assignments! An excitement as I make covers for each and every one of my classes! An excitement as I hear my roommate coming through the door once again (someone who continues to be a close companion on this current leg of my journey)! An excitement for the new start that I have as I walk through those doors tomorrow and see old familiar faces! And tonight, on the eve of the next big chapter of my life, I am hoping that God allows me to continue to see beyond all the homework and tests that have the potential to drown out my joy... and soak up the rich enviroment that I have the privledge of being a part of. And as friends of mine who are reading this even now, I invite you to partner with me in this prayer... not just for me but also for those all around me at Regent.



May this term be a created space for the Father to meet me in powerful ways... may He meet me in ways that seem far and unfamiliar to me (ways that I have seen Him move before, though not for some time now)... and may I discover passion, joy, love, excitement, hope, and renewal in and through things and people in ways that I could never have anticipated. May the Father catch me off guard and restore my heart beyond where I feel it is even tonight!

.: much ado about jack squat :.

My severe lack of blog posts deserves an explanation. Time away from school has culminated into living day to day in a way that I don't typically do. With school delayed for a couple days, I haven't been in the normal schedule of things, one of them being posting to TBLT. But knowing that I have plenty of faithful readers, I don't want to lose you because of my inability to keep up like I am used to.



In all honesty, not much has happened... at least nothing of writeable and readable interest. There have been some interesting thoughts culminating in my life, but not a whole bunch of time to do it... or at least the enthusiasm to take the time to post such thoughts to the web as of yet. So all that to say that I do plan on continuing to update my blog throughout 2005. I just cannot promise much for a couple more days!



In other news... in 24 hours, the world will be blessed with 4 straight hours of Season 4 of 24!!! That show continually amazes me and keeps me and my loved ones stunned and captivated. That Kiefer is one energetic stud to keep doing so many things throughout a 24 hour period that would drain a normal man or woman. Having just gone through Season 3, and finally being caught up as a latecoming fan, I am excited to be up to date and be able to watch them as they are released... though I don't know just how emotionally exausting it may be to only get to see one episode a week. Thank God for the upcoming premiere!



Long live Jack Bauer!!!

.: ushering in a new year :.

Vacation has a way of powerfully distracting me. Unfortunately, my blog has been one of the things that has suffered because of my recent provision of freedom from school and studies. I must say that this past week flew by way too fast, and it is suddenly a brand new year. My New Years was a lot like my Christmas - it was coming, it was here, and then before I knew it, it was over! Some good things have occurred while I have been home, but a part of me is ready to get back to Regent so that I can feel more productive. Watching the entire third season of 24 has a way of making a guy feel extremely lazy! But rest is good because it allows for some calm before the storm. I guess that I just don't feel like I deserve a break since school felt more manageable this past semester. I still have a couple things to do before I head back, but until then I will probably just play things cool and allow myself to be a total sluggard for one more week.



And as I begin this New Year, I hope for incredible new paths to discover and even blaze. 2004 was quite a collection of rich, hard, deep, self-exposing, and emotional moments... and being a year older, I see how time has changed me in ways that I would have never anticipated! May 2005 be a year in which we all see ourselves and our God more clearly, make we be called to deeper and richer faith, and make the next 12 months bring about His will for our lives in such a way that life becomes more meaningful and we as people become more alive.