.: somewhat unbearable :.

If you love me, then why did you let me go? If you care so much for me, why did you turn away? Where were you in the moments of my greatest need? When I sought an answer, I got everything but a response. Never has it been so clear to me that you have no obligation to never leave me exposed. And now your movements have succeeded in only leaving me numb. I feel a sadness that wrenches away all hopes of sharing in another soul's joy. Was the pain that I felt in those hours enough to accomplish what you were hoping for? I was nothing short of completely foolish to ever think that I was untouchable. I had no doubt that both good and unpleasant have their place in the lives of those that follow and those that do not. But in times like there, I am only left wondering if I truly do stand where I have staked my claim so many times before. These are the days that consume the barricades of my heart and soul, melting away anything that does not have some sort of substance to it. And I have kept myself quiet long enough, or so I think, long enough for you to make your presence felt. But I fear you may have come and gone in the time that it took me to gather my thoughts and give credit where credit was due. Is there any way that you could speed things up, maybe allow the time that you hold within your hands to heal all my gapping wounds? Oh me of little faith, but I could have sworn that you said that you would be with me through it all, giving me nothing that would push me beyond my limits. This right here feels pretty deafening. Hard or soft, my heart may never be the same past this line on the floor. All the elements of life and death have served in volleying me between hope and discomfort. And I repent of taking anything and everything for granted. Shame on me for believing that I could trust in the One that holds my life to not expose me to that which purifies beyond recognition. I mean, can I really ever get my hopes up again? Or should I let disappointment guide my every mixed emotion? There is little to no honor in these words, but they come from a soul that is learning to rebuild a life one piece at a time. Far below them are attempts to know for certain if this is a sign of things to come. Have all these glances towards glory been to prepare me for when the rug would be completely pulled out from under me? Or has it been to make known all the doubts and dismissals that I have swept under it? I pray that what this has cost me is worth it in the end, for I would hate to think that you are in the business of overdoing it to simply prove your point.

.: the passing of a blessing :.

I found myself in the middle of a divine appointment today. A lunchtime call sent us up to the hospital, thinking that we would be speaking our final words to a passing friend. But when we got there, word came back that he had already gone. Never have I ever walked into the kind of setting that I found myself in today, surrounded by friends and family impacted by the loss of a loved one. There he was, a soul that said so much to everyone without saying a single word. He was a man who made me long to end my life in the sort of place that I saw him living in. He lived in a place of incredible contentment and selflessness. His life spelled out for everyone he knew what it meant to live with grace and compassion. There are very few people who have laid their lives and ambitions down for my own sake, but he was certainly one of them. He showed us that life was best when it was shared. And there he was, a soul that had fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith (2 Tim 4:7). A number of times, I found myself looking at his life and longing to be where he was years from now. Rarely did he ever allow the conversation to remain on him, always shifting the spotlight to my own life and situation. Even towards the end as he faced incredible personal pain, he never missed the chance to show how deeply he cared for me. I must admit, I was not ready for that moment when goodbyes could no longer be spoken face-to-face. Now all I can do is weep and rejoice, broken by his passing and lifted by his finally being released from the suffering found in his earthly body. I will miss him more than anything, for his was a life that gave life to everyone around him. He knew what it meant to give himself away. He spoke love and hope to me in every encounter. He cared himself as a man who deeply loved Christ, and longed to honor Him in any and every way. He proved that he was willing to pay the price to be used by the Father, investing in lives that continue beyond his own. He possessed such a resonating joy and contagious delight. He had a way of helping others realize what the Father has in store for those who abandon themselves to His control. And by His grace, I will never forget the example set by this man who was so devoted to the loving heart of our Heavenly Father. I rejoice on such a sad day, for this is the day that he receives his eternal reward for a life well-lived. We were truly blessed to have him with us!