.: an ode to the moment :.

If I lost you, my heart would most surely break. I may claim to be strong and think that I would go on, but I know myself. That one thing would certainly change it all. My identity may shift, but nevertheless my whole life would change for good. If I lost you, everything within me would come to a stand still. I would watch myself take slow breaths, and my ears would ring with the sound of an eternal sensation. My hands would freeze and my eyes would lock upon that one thing that I had been glancing upon only moments earlier. I would tell myself that it was bound to happen, but something deep within me would deny that I ever really thought it to be true. The inevitable would come crashing into the perishable. My mind would go to the last time I saw you, racing to find the final words you spoke to me in haste. If I lost you, I would fear beyond so much else the suggestion of returning home. I would find a way to numb myself, all the while begging myself to stay more sober than ever before. I would laugh in a way that I found uncomfortable, followed by tears to drench my anguish. I believe that the ache would begin to creep in, as much as I swore to friends and family that it would be okay. I would curse myself for ever having made myself vulnerable in the first place, while acknowledging that we had what so many only long for. I would claim it as my solitary moment in history, our wonderful life together. If I lost you, I doubt that I could ever seal the tear that I would forever carry inside of me. My loss would change my thoughts, my aspirations, and my principles. Every ideal that had formed within me would come up void, and pieces of me would feel the need to start all over. His voice would calm me, and would refuse to scold my unbelief. Every one would put together their finest speech and I would be the audience to hundreds of souls that really did mean well. The truest beauty would ring hollow and colors would soon fade to gray. Once those words reached my ears, I would struggle at first. Then I would tell myself to let go and not fight it. I would promise to willfully surrender all control over any and every subsequent urge. I would let the full weight of the report hit me, in the hopes that it would soon move on to some other poor soul. If I lost you, life as I know it would remain, but I would bear the will of a man who asks for nothing more. His glory would be noted as accomplished, but all suggestions to trust His hand would be rashly flung aside. I would speak my mind and He would understand my heart. If I lost you, I would wonder what I could have done better, knowing that the days gone by were some of our best. I would rejoice that you were spared from such pain, while offering all that I have to go through it with you one more time. Our friends would support me. Our families would share my lament. We would say our parting words and close the door on chapters of life shared with you. And though years would certainly treat me as fair as one might expect, my soul would long to have its closest friend back. My tears would bear witness to the shattering of once held confidences. My cries would resonate throughout my whole being and I would grasp onto anything that might offer me a firmer grip. If I lost you, my days would be marked with remembrance. My path would seem longer. My pace would feel slower. I would fight to stay present, but would catch myself living in the space that we used to share. And I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything about this was meant to be. Ours were the lives of two souls who communed together, if only for what might one day feel like mere moments.