.: the one on the outside :.

I should have guessed that I would never get to be one of you guys. I should have known that I would never belong. Friends far too attached to let anyone else in. I thought that I knew you. I thought that our friendship meant that I was one too. But I was wrong all along. At least extend me the courtesy of letting me in on the secret, the reason for why I remain outside. Why can't I be in the inner circle? It kills me to know that what is going on goes on without me. Do you not know what I have to offer? Do you not know who I am? The beauty that is created amidst you all will never be revealed to someone such as me. You make your mark through the cutting edge, failing to claim the underlying exclusivity. Do you not remember what it felt like to be left behind as well? You give each other names. Jokes are fashioned as passwords through which you grant each other access. I could sleep much better knowing that my day will soon come. Instead I am haunted by never being known by any of you. And maybe I am in fact better missing from it all. Maybe you are right in saying that it is out of your hands and out of control. But I hope that you realize that you have omitted the one thing that could have given you new life. Your best laid plans are a mess because you did not include me in them. Or so I so desperately wish! I could use a friend like you in times like these. So hurry up or you too might be replaced. Still I have a place in my heart for you. But it is a hope that is quickly fading, for I am a master at teaching myself to no longer desire what I cannot have. Still I cannot believe that I let you do this to me, even in these years far removed from the beginning. There was a time when I wished that you were mine and I was yours. All the same, I think I can finally stay that I am glad that you failed to pick me. So I will never the invitations that I have been starving myself for. I won't crawl up those steps back to the place that we once shared. But I am not content to be find pleasure in your recent sadness. I cannot let myself get away with pushing you back into the silence and begging for your own dismissal. But I must admit, I find it difficult to see how you convinced yourself that you treated me like any other. I thought our alliance was one struck in the darkest of times. Now all you have done is left me feeling dirty. And in spite of what once was, as soon as the light came back around, you made your way back into life... and away from someone who was close not too long ago.