.: just w(o/a)ndering :.

Correct me if I am wrong - I may just be seeing things from a poor perspective...



But I am having one of those days... one of those weeks... one of those months... where I am beginning to feel like I could pour out my heart to God in prayer and He wouldn't even be moved in the slightest way. I feel like I could passionately write of my life and how He is moving in it (though I fail so often lately to see where He is at work) in my journal... and it would just be ink on a page. My faith seems so inconsequential and because of my failure to have any real impact upon others, my identity feels up for grabs. There is impending tragedy in my life, and when my deepest fears are finally confirmed, I will acknowledge in my heart that I was in fact right all along. I feel cut off from any real fellowship, and am not really moved to find any that I can think of. There is very little spiritual food being offered to me that isn't causing me to either gag or be uninterested.



There was a fire stirred within me, at one time... but now, I simply feel huddled now around smoldering ashes. I am sure that there is a remedy - a pattern to follow and I will be able to recover. But I have no desire for such a remedy. No desire to follow a pattern. For I am the King of Short-cuts and I refuse to let myself assign a simple solve to my deeper questions and fears. So as I remain desperately confused, I am prone to believe that I am compeled to faith. I am no longer in control, and maybe the whole thing was a facade in the first place. My life is completely out of my own hands... but where I go from here seems bleak.



What is the future for me? To continue to live amidst hills and valleys of faithfulness and abandonment of God. I cannot even begin to find the words to explain how shallow and empty and "grey" that feels to me. I am at a religious school right now - one that does a better job than most at calling me to authentic holiness - but I feel like the best thing that I have going for me is the upcoming break. Than and maybe than, I will be able to recover and find rest for my wandering soul. Maybe I will recover my passion, but my spirit so highly doubts it!



Family and friends seem the closest to my true nature right now... and with the Christmas season around the corner, maybe I can live off the aroma for a couple weeks in January. But life seems so lifeless right now... and God is seen as being more than out of my own control. I am weak, I am miserable... and I feel like I am right where both the Father and the enemy want me. Hurting, lonely, lost, wounded... faithless, dependant, selfish, and scared.



FATHER... come meet me in my sense of "out of control"-ness!