.: a day much as any day :.

I discovered something incredible in a park near our house today... my strength. As I was walking to the bus stop, I suddenly came across a renewed sense of identity. Why? Why like this? Why now, God? I hadn't done anything different. In fact, I kind of managed to forego my morning devotions. So it couldn't have been the instance of a quiet time of reflection. I hadn't prayed a long or honest prayer (as if those two ideas are synonomous)... so that couldn't have been where my new found confidence was coming from.



To tell you the truth, as I really thought about it, the only reasons that I could think of were the fact that I was wearing a brand new dress shirt... and that I had spent the morning working through a case study for my counseling class. Those two things were the only elements that I could point to and say, "Aha! A method... a pattern... a way of getting it back if I ever lose it again!". Clothes (pause... take a breath) and homework. How un-stinking-orthodox is that! But that is the truth... those are the only reasons that I could come up with.



Now I could try and break this down, make it sound all spiritual. I could embrace the fact that it just feels good to be wearing new clothes. There is something about unwashed fabric that makes a person feel bold... strong enough to take on the ego crushing blows of any female! So that is the answer to my problem - just changing my wardrobe on a consistant basis.



But come to think of it, for some goofy reason, I chose to wear the same shirt today that I wore yesterday. (Okay, for those of you who need to, take a moment and acknowledge just what a bacholar thing that is of me to do!) And I didn't have the sort of "owned honesty" about myself 24 hours ago that I am possessing this moment. So despite my flashy American Eagle threads, that cannot be the real reason.



Was it my homework? I had to work through a simple case study in which I am to write a couple pages about how I would counsel someone through a range of issues and emotions. Was that why I was suddenly feeling so sure of who I am and what I have been called to in "life"? That almost seems to make more sense. After all, I was touching on an aspect of the type of pastoral ministry that I feel called to. But it was just typing a paper - I didn't actually change anyone's life. So as close as it may be to explaining this renewal, I don't think that was the cause for it.



Do you want to know what I think the answer really is?



I think it simply occured around 10:30AM in the middle of some random park in downtown Vancouver... because God just chose to speak to my heart with such passion at that moment that I suddenly felt renewed in such a powerful way. At that point in my life, His heart chose to speak to mine... and through that speaking, He cleared my view and allowed me to see myself once again. In that moment, He simply chose to offer me grace.



The same grace that He chooses to speak to me - as quiet and subtle as it may be - throughout each day. The type of grace that I cannot manipulate. Try as I may, I cannot control it or make it occur upon my command. Grace that is poured out on me... beyond my ability to reasonably manage it!



Father, give me eyes to see that grace... and the desire to hold on to it with such passion!