.: say hello, wave goodbye :.

What with being involved in two different places - Regent in Vancouver and back home in Mount Vernon - I often feel like I have the best of both worlds. It just seems that I have the constant joy of showing up, whether it be with my family or my roommates, and getting a warm welcome. In both of these places, I am made to feel like a king. Simply by entering back into that "community" of people once again, I feel the deepest of feelings... like I matter to those people. And yes, I do... and they also deeply matter to me! But it just seems that I love that "hello", to the point that I so often feel oblivious to the "goodbye" that it cost me to be in that place.

Below the surface of such warm feelings is the desire to always be somewhere new. Why is it that I so often grow tired of wherever I am at any given moment, even if it be ever so slightly? Why do I love traveling, and even more what awaits me once I get there? Why do I love having a space that only I can fill... even a variety of spaces? What is stirring within me that causes me to enjoy absense, and could it be simply because, as the proverb predicts, it makes the hearts of loved ones grow fonder... for me? And possibly, I may carry a fear within me that I may overstay my welcome somewhere. But to always have a means of escape, a promise that should things go bad, I can bail and cast my lot in with another group for as long as necessary. Neither situation (school nor home) is so bad that I ever find myself running from either place. Rather it seems like I live as the child who runs from ride to ride within an amusement park, anticipating some new joy or experience that will shadow the previous one. But am I possibly so unsatisifed with things as they are that I have to mix life up at such a pace and degree that I keep myself so amused, lest I ever become fully aware of its actual finiteness or failings?

No doubt, I long for "home"... though I find I rarely, if ever, dream about it. I long for something - anything - new. And I long to be with those who accept me... ones who will receive me time and time again. Never have I had it so good that I have various places that involve me - even require me at some level. But not one of them leaves me truly satisifed, for at every corner is the potential for them to turn sour and expose how they cannot come through for me as I have been hoping for for some time now. Better to keep my options open, I guess.