.: what can now become :.

I want it all to change. I don't want to return to what I once was. Time had bred familiarity, and that familiarity had caused me to assume that what I have been is what I will always be. But distance has pulled back the covers, and I am finding myself aware of places in my life that I have given up control. Sure, what has gone on has been the pieces of some of my greatest days. But the shame that now tries to seep into the memories of such leave me feeling confused as to why I ever allowed for such indiscretions. I want to be free. I want to be at ease when I consider all that has taken place. I want to be filled with the kind of joy that comes from living in the light. In the places that I have thrown off all caution, I want to regain these footholds and keep moving even further. She deserves far better than this. I have given her the offer of a half-self, and have acted upon curiosities mixed with assumptions. We cannot undo the story thus far, but her return can make for far better days. There would be nothing greater than to trade all moments of anxiety for the knowledge that we are where we need to be. This certainly calls for a large portion of wisdom, but we have not because we have failed to ask and wait. There is further to go in my own story. I know that each day will present me with the spaces in which I can make that decision over and over again. Consistency has not always been my stronger suit, but by holding onto these lines in the sand within my heart, I can see progress rather than regress. This life that has been shared with mine fills me with the sensation that it calls for all that I am. I have slipped into the belief that my patterns are truest reality. But I am seeing things now in a way that I haven't in years. With the assurance that this is only the start of something far more beautiful, I want to turn my face towards the sky and run with the kind of passion that I knows lies within me. Unfortunately, I have allowed it to come out in misguided directions. Those temporary desires had felt deeper than that at the time, though none of us escape those kinds of motives that disguise themselves. Everything has surely not been a waste. But the chance to turn a corner and enter into something grander and deeper, something more centered on an eternal kingdom, cannot be silenced with any sort of commitment to indifference. We make these choices so that we might grow and learn and find intimacy beyond physical proximity. We see the best self that lies within that other. If we move towards drawing that out, we can become what we have been dreaming of for some time.