.: making sense of the makeshift :.

I have been living someone else's life for some time now. These aren't my feelings... at least they aren't the ones that I have been growing used to. This home I find myself in has new walls, with pictures and colors that feel like they may belong to me one day... but just not right now. Truth be told, I had been in the midst of being graced with such company. But these days, I am once again walking alone. Each hour seems to carry me along with the least amount of passion that one could bear to survive on. The world burns all around me as I bear with days that are stretching me to my limits. Were You expecting to do this to me all along? And where is Your Spirit in all of this? This expected variation leaves me grieving in profound, yet debilitating, ways. My soul feels speechless, wondering if anyone truly has been down this road too. Yes, you are all right! I too will get through this. But such lines of reasoning cannot seem to pass through to the very core of me. And beyond what eyes can perceive, there is an ache that lies past the story presented. We are called to bear our own loads - this one will surely not crush me! But the sting comes in the space left vacant for weeks to come. It all presents me with the reality that this one human space mimics the space divine. There is no life here without what it requires. And in the absence comes the sense wash over me that solutions to medicate and insulate abound all around me. But I doubt I really have the strength to take any one of them that serious. Nothing remains here that will allow me to coast on daily emotions, outside of the memories already set in stone. But to enter into the presence of where so many of them remain requires that I be present to both joy and grief. Claims towards the future keep popping up, with the hope that the themes of so many of those days fall by the wayside. I continue to cry petitions to the Father, asking that He guide us more fully than what we have already allowed Him to. Success is found in remaining focused, both today and in the days to follow. But great reasons lie before me to both concentrate, as well as to absorb myself with the busyness of this makeshift life.