I think that today I would just like to be left alone. I do not want to hear of another soul's joy. I cannot bear the weight of another soul's complaint. Today I would simply like to ball up inside and live this existence by myself. I do not think that I could cope with one more person's happiness, though I do not feel any sort of sadness that would resist such an emotion. It is just that I feel far too broken to have my life filled with anyone other than me. Maybe it is a case of the "blahs". Maybe it is me being bested by my selfish pride. But there is something deep within me that wants to begin a spring-cleaning of my soul, pushing everyone away that has a story to tell. Can I find the words to say it; I just do not care! No, actually it is that I just do not care right now. That's great that your life is so simply wonderful. But it just seems that I have far too much going on right now to have the perfect set of ears to hear. I cannot face one more group of people that have it all figured out. So I disconnect from my past. I disconnect from my future. I disconnect from everything that is going on all around me. And with one loud resounding cry, I proclaim my dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Out go the humble, out go the emotionally needy, and out go the self-righteously pure of heart. I cannot take it anymore. Away with your diagnosis, even you souls that sit this very minute trying to make sense of these inward expressions. Do not try and make sense of my desires to bend my world into something far more manageable and suitable. No worries, for my joy will soon return. But it escapes me at moments such as these when I am begging for some sort of release from my social obligation to you. I do not have the perfect words for your reckless questions. I fear that I just will not be able to deal with it all today, at least for the time being. And though my eyes drift upon the images of a life at its best, nothing but the worst seems to be consuming my hopes of staying connected with you. It is not a case of my life being worse than yours. It is just that I cannot seem to find what it takes to keep up with this foolish exchanging of days and years. Yes, I truly am happy for you. But those actual words will have to wait for now - I am just not in a place where I can utter them. I guess all I can ask for is that you bear with me as I stumble through this reconciliation of my heart and my head. But do not expect that I can appease you while I am in this state of mind. There are parts of me that seem to have disconnected from the rest of me. And a disconnected creature cannot help but disconnect from the communities all around, even from those that look to him for any sort of reason or action.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
.: not today :.
I think that today I would just like to be left alone. I do not want to hear of another soul's joy. I cannot bear the weight of another soul's complaint. Today I would simply like to ball up inside and live this existence by myself. I do not think that I could cope with one more person's happiness, though I do not feel any sort of sadness that would resist such an emotion. It is just that I feel far too broken to have my life filled with anyone other than me. Maybe it is a case of the "blahs". Maybe it is me being bested by my selfish pride. But there is something deep within me that wants to begin a spring-cleaning of my soul, pushing everyone away that has a story to tell. Can I find the words to say it; I just do not care! No, actually it is that I just do not care right now. That's great that your life is so simply wonderful. But it just seems that I have far too much going on right now to have the perfect set of ears to hear. I cannot face one more group of people that have it all figured out. So I disconnect from my past. I disconnect from my future. I disconnect from everything that is going on all around me. And with one loud resounding cry, I proclaim my dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Out go the humble, out go the emotionally needy, and out go the self-righteously pure of heart. I cannot take it anymore. Away with your diagnosis, even you souls that sit this very minute trying to make sense of these inward expressions. Do not try and make sense of my desires to bend my world into something far more manageable and suitable. No worries, for my joy will soon return. But it escapes me at moments such as these when I am begging for some sort of release from my social obligation to you. I do not have the perfect words for your reckless questions. I fear that I just will not be able to deal with it all today, at least for the time being. And though my eyes drift upon the images of a life at its best, nothing but the worst seems to be consuming my hopes of staying connected with you. It is not a case of my life being worse than yours. It is just that I cannot seem to find what it takes to keep up with this foolish exchanging of days and years. Yes, I truly am happy for you. But those actual words will have to wait for now - I am just not in a place where I can utter them. I guess all I can ask for is that you bear with me as I stumble through this reconciliation of my heart and my head. But do not expect that I can appease you while I am in this state of mind. There are parts of me that seem to have disconnected from the rest of me. And a disconnected creature cannot help but disconnect from the communities all around, even from those that look to him for any sort of reason or action.
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