.: all i cannot seem to say :.

I want the Spirit to have His way, first in me and then through me. I want to find that this life that I am entering into is actually becoming the reality and less of an ambition. I want the things of this world to pale in comparison to the glorious beauty of God's goodness. I want every day to be lived with the reminder that I am in Christ. I want the words of my mouth to bless those that I once used to use as a punch line. I want a joy that will sustain me through the darkness. I want the pressures of my life to expose me to all the philosophical idols that I live by. I want His name to be the first and last thing on my mind throughout all my conversations. I want to turn to Him before I end up running out of other places to run to. I want to know that He is listening closely to my heart as I pour it out to Him. I want to learn what it means to die daily. I want to be ready to die before that day comes. I want for there to be no words left unsaid when I am gone. I want to see healing in all my fractured relationships. I want to feel the Lord's compassion in the midst of being completely overwhelmed. I want to know right here and now that this will all work out for His good. I want to know why I really thought those things would satisfy me to begin with. I want to feel the full weight of my helpless human state. I want to acknowledge that my God is the same God of Moses, David, Peter, and Paul. I want to know more fully the God that I am dealing and wrestling with. I want to get to the real meaning of the various stories of Scripture. I want to speak as they spoke. I want to see His return in my lifetime. I want to eradicate every motive I have for making God my inferior. I want a fresh sense of the Father's readiness to forgive His loved ones. I want to know that He is indeed not indifferent towards our circumstances. I want to bear the full expectation of a divine response. I want to feel how I want to feel. I want to know what a truly godly life looks like. I want to find myself in that place and remain there. I want His hands to draw together all my divided interests. I want to be sincere and genuine, and not just real. I want the first words of each day to acknowledge what the Father He has already done for me. I want to see that this isolation is just not working for me. I want to learn to give up my comfort for far greater things. I want to share in the sufferings of Christ so that it might change how I see the world. I want my ever-changing situation to no longer dictate my perception of the character of God. I want to be released from the burden of my ever-growing bitterness and resentment. I want to truly believe that God is good in the midst of my frustration and weariness. I want to be comforted by the fact that God cares. I want to sense the Father's presence at the center of my pain. I want to quit hurting those that I love. But over all these things, I want to quit hiding behind the facade of an upright and moral life, and I want to enter more fully into what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.