.: undone by the call :.

I am starting to see how our very calling as followers of Christ undoes everything we might hope to accomplish in our flesh. If I am to imitate His example, how can I also carry the weight of making a name for myself? If I am to soften my heart towards the weak, how can I maintain the kind of rough exterior it requires to "make it in the real world"? And if I truly see this world as my home, how can I keep my eyes upon the eternal kingdom that awaits me? I guess what I am trying to say is that all my hopes of being something big are slowly being unraveled by the call to remain small and low. In those moments when I begin to pull away from the community of faithfulness, and I use any sort of advantage I may have at the time over another soul, I am seeking to undo (as it this were even possible) the very work that the Father wants to accomplish in and through all of creation. How can I remain a vessel for divine compassion and Christ-like tenderness when I am force-feeding a different strand of work in my life? Time and again I am captured by the beauty of idea of making myself nothing. The kind of obedience that I want to demonstrate has nothing to do with the various ways in which I use the random minutes of each day to scratch a particular itch of my fallen nature. And rather than throwing myself upon His grace, I blaze a path that takes me nowhere in an arbitrary collage of words and actions. I hate those days when I have let myself get away with throwing together a plan with me at the center and then carelessly making it my new ambition. Fresh and new have been enemies of mine at the most unexpected times. And the thought of being genuine has left nothing but a scattered mess of memories from a time in which eternity was the last thing on my mind. I grieve far too little for the times when I have exalted myself under the banner of doing a work that belongs primarily to the Spirit. And in those choice moments when I could have chosen to serve another, I only choose to serve myself. I am so far from what I was hoping to be. But am I anywhere close to where He longs for me to abide? I wish I had this sort of clarity about releasing my own baggage so that I can lift the load of my brother or sister. But I am arriving at the conclusion that real love doesn't bring with it a parade or spotlight, for simple obedience fills it with enough passion to carry it throughout the day. And this life was never meant to end in the belief that we ended up right where we always wanted to be. So with my own plans out of the way, I can now begin to work towards the benefit of another. But how do I carry this ambition with me, if it is not the voice of the Lord that I am pushing everything else aside to hear so clearly? He is teaching me to see how risking it all for the ambitions of one falls so short of working towards the deepening of so some many more. To serve and to be poured out so that He might see His will fulfilled. That in and of itself has far more beauty and fervor to it than days filled with making something of myself. This idea of building myself up so I can reap the rewards of being that one sought out is coming up empty right before my eyes. So I would be a fool to not work in such a way that I might catch even a glimpse of His kingdom coming to life in my own lifetime. For His love is stronger than every mistake that I can come up with, and it is moving forward whether I choose to follow His leading or not.