.: holding out for hope :.

This morning we talked. Better yet, this morning I decided to listen for once. In the midst of a transition, I found some silence in which to enter into a conversation, as one-sided as it seemed at the time. I wish this were more the habit than the exception. But rather than scold myself, I remained where I was before Him. My first movement was to confess the weight that I have been bearing, as well as fight back some unrealized emotions. I laid out my fears and frustrations in the hopes that He was listening clearly. I asked what I have been dying to know, with no quick responses in return. I owned up to some of the fleshly realities that have been dogging my heels for years and years. I confessed my apprehension and timidity, asking what exactly it is He thinks He is doing. And if there were any new truths that I stumbled across this morning, it was that He can use even me, that I am a deeply relational being, and that I have every reason to be concerned and no reason at all. So there I sat in the silence, with little to no motion. It has been far too long since I placed myself before Him with nowhere to be for a while. It felt good. It felt real. And it felt both disappointing and liberating that I have been reminded of such an event that I can so easily return to, given that I desire to do so from here on out. In those moments, I was reminded of all my unsatisfied promises and well-intentioned agreements. I recalled that I am being called to lead people into the very things that are still so new and undiscovered to me as well. And I was instilled with a fresh sense of hope, that I will be what I have been called to be in so far as I place myself where I need to, when I need to. You may not realize how being exposed in that space makes me want to hide. It makes me want to clean up my tracks and fill in the gaps lest someone misconstrue what I have felt the freedom to partake in. But with that comes the sense that I long to be a part of a community where both followers and leaders are genuine souls with genuine lives that are genuinely messy. Notice that I have not made provision for the flesh, for I do not want to do so many of the things that by my very human nature I choose to say and do. But how can I offer a real heart to both God and man without being governed by the fear that something I say or do may be taken out of context or used to discredit me in any way? I guess that I am forced to realize any sort of control over such things. But with that comes the sense that if I am who I am called to be (though I still struggle with being convinced that I can do that apart from His mercy and provision), I will end up being led to where I both need and desire to be. But this morning's words brought no sort of guarantee that I will get everything simply handed to me. Yes indeed, there will be some sort of work and effort demanded of me if I am to reach my goal. But by placing myself in His hands, I have the luxury of knowing that I can rest easy in His loving embrace, the very hold that demands faith and instills hope and love. By placing myself in His hands, I allow myself to be more fully equipped for serving others so that ultimately the body of Christ might be built up and strengthened. But that requires the sort of obedience that springs out of waiting and listening, far before running forward and doing.