.: throwing in the towel :.

There seems to be no room in my life right now to quit. Everything that I have been working on has been a "working towards". This is all going to mean something greater than just the routine chores before me. My rehearsals and memorizations have been preparing me for the next step. But where is there any sort of place in me to take advantage of any sort of out? How might I go about calling this whole thing off and finding a pause within which I can readjust? The world isn't exactly begging me to take it easy... or is it? Somehow everyone took an extra step while I happened to be glancing away. And now what lies before me feels threatening, and may intend to expose me for what little remains. I guess that it is just the ever-growing weight on my shoulders that seems at times to be too much to bear. If I could only cut away from these little things that are filling up the space of each day, maybe then I could find a way to fix this condition of fear, which is feeding upon my apathy. No thanks to you all, I have been busily working away at trying to make the world a better place, one soul at a time. I do not make that previous jab because I am left alone in this. More so, I feel like I have been far too guilty of taking my cues from a world in love with its strenuous work ethic. All one needs to do is just close their eyes and allow themselves to dwell upon the ways that we have driven ourselves so merciless in the past. A little hard work never killed anyone, or so they have claimed all along. But let me be the first to express that I cannot take one more burden of existence, no matter how crucial you swear it to be. My life has been thrown between scores of souls that have staked their claim upon one way of living and one mode of thinking. And wouldn't you know it, no one seems to agree with each other any more (as if they ever did). I wish that I could say that these past few years have produced in me some kind of intelligence. All they really have done is filled me with more questions, along with the sense that I may not even remember what had been cleared up for me along the way. Am I playing small or possibly shying away from being known? Who is to say? All I know is that when I cross that stage and receive what I have worked long and hard for, there is no reason for me to believe that I am any further along the path towards being able to help others in the same direction. And what is to even be said for those seemingly dead set against the whole thing to begin with? What do I have to offer them, in terms of a well-crafted argument or refined skills of refutation? This whole thing could drive a soul mad; trust me, it is doing that very thing right now! So I guess that I am resolved to be one of the lone voices claiming that we must confess what we know, and be honest with that which we do not. No one soul holds the keys to all the questions, though some may claim to hold more than others (myself included). I certainly know where to look, where to point, and possibly how to pursue it. But my memory only serves me in retaining the basics, with a certain awareness of where we go from there. I have been taught to be unsatisfied with such. But I no longer see how I can hold both of these in comfortable tension, the knowledge of that which I am not more fully aware of, alongside of the deep contentment of knowing who I am and what I have to offer.