.: a moment in time :.

I was alone there. Though surrounded by many, I was alone there. Just to go back there in my heart brings deeply-rooted tears of sorrow to my eyes. No one was coming for me there. I was left to go it by myself. Company was just outside my door. And people loved me there. But at the end of the day, I was alone there - completely alone. Some of those months should have been my brightest. But I don't know if they truly were. There were ways of entertaining myself, methods of making myself laugh. But these times were soon drowned out by the rain that fell outside, the drops on windows that mimicked the ones running down the face of my soul. Even the snow that came down at times seemed to surrounded me so that I could not go anywhere; they seemed to muffle the cries within me. I needed You there. I know You were there. But, Father... FATHER! I was alone! Those people that were at times closer than my own family only served in temporarily calming my fears and subduing my sadness. But then the time came... and even the ones that I held close were pulled away from me. If I could have pulled it off, I would have brought them into this new(er) life that stands before me now. Those days were precious. Those were the days in which You so often reminded me of how much You loved me. But I was alone there. Nights of gazing through the cracks in my blinds, being mesmerized by the night and distant stars that engulfed my world, are forever captured in my head. That... and aloneless - I cannot escape that fact! I must have been so deeply wounded that even now I weep. So distant from the moment of betrayal. Will anyone ever know me once again? How long must this go on? Moments pass when I swear that I could know my heart no better than this. But now an unguarded moment and a repetitious melody stir me in a way that I had almost forgotten. Once more, I throw together the elements of a recipe called "that time of life", and the flood gates of my heart and mind are ripped open. Yet I do not get those days back, do I? Maybe I don't want them. I am sure that I could convince myself for moments at a time. And maybe I can convince myself that far better days are ahead. I never want to hurt like this ever again. Can I not find a deeper sense than just the pain of certain memories, paired with the cries of wanting to return? Why would I want to go back? These days were never meant to last. You knew yourself that they were only in your life for a time. Yet the meals, the warmth of a fire, the promise of companionship whenever one so desired, the passion of a shared adventure - that is why you want to go back! Yes, they knew you! But you can never go back. My son, new days await you. Hold on, take heart, and do not lose faith. Embrace those songs that stir within your heart - do not push them away! For those memories will serve to draw you further on. They will carry you in a way that few can comprehend. And understand that I cared for you all along the way. And I will continue to carry you, even in days such as these. You are My Son, the joy of my creation. I know you are one of My own. Is there anything deeper than that? Now... live! Do what I created you for. Find your deepest joy in fulfilling your design. But, no... never forget. For those days were forging in you my plan from the beginning. In every moment, in every area of your life, my hands were fashioning something amazing - something beyond the lights and the sounds, the feel and the touch, the laughter and the applause you try to take hold of even now.