.: the days ahead and behind :.

I have been hanging with my brother for the past couple days, which has been a refreshing change of pace. Just a few more days and I am out of here... and eventually back to Vancouver for more school. This past month has been a different one in that I find so much of my daily attitude has shifted from being the center of attention and interested in staying out front (so to speak), to being far more quiet and contemplative and even sorrowful, far beyond what I typically experience. Some have mistaken the shift for being anything from mad to frustrated to wounded. And maybe in some ways I have changed with regards to some sort of wounds. But at the place I find myself in life lately, I would never know. For I am far too tired, far too clouded of mind, and far too indifferent to everything around me to be fully aware of what is going on in my heart.

I feel so many things, but cannot muster up the strength to follow them to their roots or ends. I catch myself at times flooded with thoughts, only to find myself distant from those very thoughts minutes to hours later. A few things I know to be true; this summer revealed something deep within my heart, as well as my circumstances and situation in life. It revealed just a little bit more of who I am, and what I mean to those around me. It caused me to realize the nature of many of my relationships, and it has managed to catch me off guard with feelings familiar to years far-gone from today.

My future fails to truly take my breath away... and knowing myself, I will refuse to go along with it for much longer than I can manage to tolerate. I guess what I really just miss beyond all these things is just a close friend, for these days are ones of a lonely journey... one which will continue for who knows how much further.

This one thing I know: I have no promises that I feel like I can cling onto.