.: alive in the silence :.

I figure that today is the day that I break the period of silence on this blog with some kind of expression of sorrow for having not written for some time, matched with shedding some light on why exactly it went down like this. It's not as if I began to believe that no one was reading my thoughts. Many of you have been such a consistent encouragement to me with regards to keeping up with this medium of communication and engagement (for which I thank you once again - it means more than you may think). And it's not as if I forgot that I had a blog to begin with. There have been more times than I can even count that I stared at a blank page wishing that something would come together that I could offer to you all. And every time I booted up the internet on my laptop, I was reminded of how long it has been with even the smallest glance of my homepage (this very website - surprise, surprise!).

But the truth be told, I haven't written for some time because I have really been in a new sort of place recently with certain events that have occured in my life. And every time I thought of sharing some of my thoughts from the various highs and lows that have happened along the path, all of them felt way too personal to simply lay out on such an impersonal format such as this. Strangely enough, day and night find me in a place where I feel more isolated than ever before... though not completely alone. But the very things that I would love to share with you are ultimately unfit to print because they would be nothing short of dishonoring, in the sense that I would be casting them as less meaningful than they have felt. This certainly is not to say that this blog is designed to be shallow dribble for you to consider on your way to better web pages, but nothing that I have run into (or better yet, has run into me) feels like it is even remotely close to being something I would want to share.

I haven't been here before, in a place where "personal" and "intimate" felt so doggone threatening. But even greater than that, it has left me feeling like very few would have no clue about what I am wrestling with... but feelings, fears, and pains as deep as I have been experiencing them recently have no words to them that can be published. Not ones such as these! Even to the point that a sense of repackaged apathy, paired with an apparently self-consuming refusal to care about my impact upon others (for good or bad), have been dogging my heels.

There is nothing more crushing to experience at times than the sense that you could not be more fully aware of your own faults, inconsistencies, and habits than you are at that moment... and than realizing that there is not a single space in your heart or mind that seems to have any clue as to how to bring a radical halt to all of those ruthless inner companions on the journey of faith (which at this space in time could be just as much away from it as towards it - the reality of it going either way even seems to be one of the last cares on my mind). Liberated... freed... roaming... shocked... existing... eyes wide open... awake... overwhelmed... speechless. These have been some of the very words that touch upon what keeps me from what seemed so common and compelling before. And where it goes from here in every sense of the concept remains to be seen. Very few promises from here on out!