.: space to speak into :.

Just recently, I have really been wrestling with feelings of being let down by others. There have been a handful of experiences that have left me confused in terms of the space between who I thought they were... and how they end up expressing themselves to be somewhere along the way. Within the past couple weeks, there was an instance in which I tried to take a stand on a particular issue, only to end up being dismissed and laughed at. And I am telling you, being misunderstood like that really makes one not only feel isolated, but the event itself functions in such a way so as to prime you to isolate yourself even more (in a sense, confirming what you already perceived). Another dynamic and potential reaction is the subsequent desire to just remain silent in the future and "go with the flow" (just that phrase alone makes me sick because of it's inherient implications)... which in turn leads me to become - at least in that one moment - someone I am not... or at least someone I do not want to be.

Which brings me to a deeper haunting question: will I ever be able to break the vicious circle of my own inconsistencies? It seems like I cannot even take a stand against anything because, as so often happens, I only later choose to give in. And those whom I once opposed seemingly stand ready to judge me (and hopefully my own words of opposition and/or correction were not words of judgment and condemnation of another individual, but rather words spoken out of wisdom and love). But it seems that because I am a fallen creature, I will never be able to draw a line in the sand and refuse to do something in particular. This is seemingly because I have either done it in the past, or I later soften my once firm stance and choose to do it later on down the path.

The reality is that there is no voice given to those who have already acquiesced. They cannot be the same ones who later steer people away. But interesting enough, no one likes a "stick in the mud" and if you haven't soiled your own hands, people tend to write you off... and in turn, you find yourself with very few friends. Therefore, what I have been coming to believe is the reality that to be a prophet seems to be equated with living on the fringe of culture and society, to be listened to, but to share intimacy with very few others (possibly only other prophets). But to have done something even once somehow implicitly means to have commited yourself to a lifetime of such actions, with no voice whatsoever to speak out against it... for such people are labeled and dismissed as hypocrites.

I am left in a world where I can virtually say nothing because the error of my ways is just as evident as anyone elses... more so at times though, or so it feels that way so often.