My fear? That I am going to blow it before I even arrive to the place that I am not preparing myself for. Lately, it has been a fear that I will have wasted my life at seminary, excusing away my need to be actively involved in communicating the Gospel in clear and tangible ways to nonbelievers on account of my studies and education. I have been wrestling with the reality that life is not secure in such a way that I do not know how much longer I will live on this earth. And one of the fears that I have been living with is that I will have disappointed my Father because I was studying when I should have been serving in missions (a place that requires no education, therefore no "wasted life" at school). That I will die having never lived out what He intended for me.
But an even deeper fear is that I will say or do something that will cost me everything that I have been working towards... and I don't know how I can rule out that possibility with any permanence. So I guess that I will just have to trust that my Father will keep me from that (unless that is His plan all along. No, that can't be!) His desire is to use me in pastoral ministry. But I am called this day, and the days, weeks, months, and years to follow... to faith. Faith that I will arrive at my final destination (which is greater than a pulpit, but it is a place of wholehearted abandon to Him in love, in such a way that His will for my life is accomplished). Faith that I am enough and I have what it takes, especially through the work of the Spirit, to do what I have been called to do... to be what I have been called to be. Faith that His plan for my life is greater than my daily moments of truly thinking that I can find real life elsewhere. Faith that thinks, moves, and lives in harmony with my identity... not just someone who longs to be accepted by others, but someone who is a threat to our Enemy when I am exactly where I need to be (at the center of the Father's good and perfect will).
My being here in this place is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. My being involved in academic study for three years is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. My heading into ministry, being who I am, having lived how I have lived... and still live even today, is no mistake, though the Enemy wants me to think otherwise. He is desperate to throw me off track. He is desperate to blur my focus and get me distracted. He is dying to root fears into my heart that will cause me to trust my own ability rather than the heart of the Father. And in some areas, he is succeeding greatly. But my Father promises that His own strength is greater than that of the Enemy, so I need not fear. But that lack of need to fear comes only through faith and love and devotion. And that is what I am called to; faith... love... and devotion. I am called to abandon myself to these things... and to live in such a way as to not betray my own identity.
Father...
Walk with me in such a way that I regain a clear focus of who I am. You have been silent for some time now, but I am beginning to see Your silence as part of the plan. I desire to walk in harmony with where You are leading me, and though my heart so often is drawn to realities so much easier to obtain (ones that are within my grasp, such as being liked, rather than ones that seem to elude me, ones that we must work together towards), I desire to desire what You are slowly but surely creating as new desires within me. Speak to me in ways beyond words, the ways that You have been speaking for some time now, and walk with me in all of this. For I cannot... I will not... make it if You are not clearly guiding me through the uniting of our hearts and lives. And allow me to sense Your closeness, and in that, remind me of who I am... and who I am in terms of Your deep love for me.
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Dave, I'm sorry if I'm playing the part of "the Enemy" here, but I hate to see people get so worked about "disappointing the Father", failing, stumbling, disqualifying, etc. If there is a god, don't you think s/he desires your good as well as the good of others? How could attempting to learn more about that god be a disappointment to him/her? How could attempting to understand faith be a waste of time?
ReplyDeleteSure, you could be some missionary in some back-woods tribe, but there are millions of other "Christian" things you could be doing as well. What makes deep reflection on the nature of god less valuable than translating a bible or sharing your faith? Isn't all of that part of Christian living? Aren't there seasons in life where one takes priority to another?
I know your post isn't really a response-oriented one, that it's more of a prayer than a question you want input about, but these are the types of feelings that make me react so strongly against religion. I read the stress that you are placing on yourself and I wonder, "Is that freedom? Does religion really help anyone? Does being a Christian mean that you have to doubt everything, fear yourself, fear ruining 'God's plan' for your life? What good is a religion that makes you walk on eggshells? What kind of god wants his/her followers to live in such ambiguity? Why must a Christian re-interpret God's persistent silence to be 'part of the plan'?"
Maybe this isn't the place for my comments about this. It's just that your post started an inner dialogue for me and I shared it. I doubt you want my reflections on your reflections, but I guess blogging invites this, doesn't it? So maybe don't take this comment as a reply to your post, but rather, as a dialogue it sparked for me.
In relation to your words, Wes... I guess that I simply see those words as coming from a couple things: 1) The reality that is daily setting in that this life is not my own. I have recently been caught up in the idea that God directed His Son to the cross, prepared Him for it, which in some wild way meant that He would protect His life until He accomplished God's plan. No freak accidents would keep Christ from the cross. So in my life, as I struggle with what to make of my "one go at it", by faith I am able to enter into the fact that God has prepared me also, and will guard my life until I am used as He sees fit.
ReplyDelete2) The mindset that "missions" ministry is the ultimate sacrifice to make. I have been hearing so many people (through church, fellow Christians, media, even some of the mindset has slipped into Regent) communicate that message. Add that to an already deep desire to live a life of purpose, and you can see where the angst is. That sort of message even extends itself into the role of a "pastor", as if to say that we are the spiritual elites. My words were speaking out of all that.
3)The reminder that I am called to enter into relationship with the Father by faith. Faith which releases me from the sort of guilt and anguish that you were seeing that I still struggle with. Faith which has no half-hearted commitment, but calls for everything or nothing. Faith which allows for silence from the Father, and doesn't chalk it up to having somehow failed. This is the faith that I daily find myself wanting to enter into more fully, a faith that does allow freedom, the grandest of permission from God to enter fully into who He is making me into... who I am by design, who I am as His creation and His child.
May I remind you to take this, and all other posts, with a grain of salt. As you are seeing, I so often see myself (much as David did in the Psalms) either on a mountaintop or in the darkest of valleys. This clear and distinct "sunshine" and "rain" way of viewing life is also part of God's creation in me. That part of me I cannot (I will not) ever tame!